The T in LGBT

Why is the T in LGBT when it has nothing to do with our sexuality? I've seen this question arise in a number of support groups for trans people, and I really think we need to look at this from a different perspective. We don't need LGB people to help us or fight for our rights. We need to fight for theirs. Allow me to explain, briefly.

Trans people live in contrast with the binary model of gender/sex that exists in our society, and what we are fighting for is the recognition of our gender identities as valid and the right to express our identities in whatever way we choose. And that is not a right that we alone deserve. All people deserve this right, and I believe it would greatly benefit the people in our society to not have to conform or face social isolation, among other things.

Much of the violence perpetrated against LGB (and T) people, from the time of childhood, is based upon behaviors, mannerisms, preferences, etc. that heteronormative people associate with the "opposite" gender. There is the pervading belief that real manhood and real womanhood are observable and quantifiable, and that one is less of a man or woman if certain criteria are not met. This greatly affects LGB people because society characterizes people who don't have a certain number of manly or womanly traits as gay without hesitation. Well, not all gay men are effeminate, and not all straight men are macho. I'm not even arguing for the idea that many trans people first find acceptance as members of the gay community. Aside from this, we are fighting for the same rights. As a transman, I am fighting for acceptance as a real man just as much as a so-called effeminate gay man. I'm not in the we're-just-like-the-rest-of-you-straight-people camp. No. We are different. We don't have to pretend to be straight or act in heteronormative ways or have body parts that are heteronormatively associated with the gender with which we identify in order to be considered real and granted the real rights we deserve.

And since sexuality, sex and gender are so linked in our society, homosexual behavior is considered a transgression of gender norms as well. We're all breaking the same rules. And we are fighting for LGB people, trans people, and straight people, and everyone else to be able to express their sex, gender, and sexuality in whichever ways they choose. Do you know how many times people have commented to me that certain people just "act too gay" for them? We're fighting against that mindset. People seem not to have an issue with gay people as long as it can be ignored or hidden, but when the gender transgressions occur, it cannot be ignored. Many young boys learn to fear and hate gays because, as they grow up, they are fighting to attain manhood/masculinity, which is incompatible with any sort of feminine behavior or transgression, which homosexuality is again a part of. In fighting for our rights to express our own gender identity, we are fighting for gender justice for all, to quote the IDKE slogan from 2010.

Now I think I will go post this in response. I never do that, but I think this might be one of those important times where people might actually get it.

Winter, Interviews...Winterviews?

One of the reasons I dislike winter so much is that it becomes much more difficult for me to walk to places of necessity. I feel even more trapped than usual, and while I love hockey and playing in the snow, I tend to hate cold weather because I'm apparently extraordinarily sensitive to it. Winter's coming soon, and that means all of the above and most likely, worsening depression.

I was asked if I had achieved any recent goals of mine in my interview today. I couldn't even make something up. I said no. And I am still struggling to find an answer. This also leads me to another point. Interview questions tend to stack the cards against people who are depressed or atypical. Thinking of an answer to that particular question would probably have been easier if my brain were primed to see the positive in things, but I'm constantly fighting to avoid negativity (and often failing). Regardless of whether I had achieved a goal or not, which actually would be indicative of success, the question is more telling about my perception of my success, which in most capitalistic contexts is irrelevant. Also, if you've ever taken one of those silly assessments that asks about what you would rather do or how likely you are to feel a certain way, you've probably encountered questions that seemed like they had no right answer. Sometimes, I want to pick strongly agree, and sometimes I want to pick strongly disagree for the same question. It depends on the day. Asking about whether I prefer to work with people or figures? Is that really a fair question? The only thing I could do was be honest and explain that it is not a matter of preference but a matter of comfort, though I most enjoy a context in which both opportunities are present to some degree. But many times I don't have the option of explaining myself. I think some people believe that because I need to work harder at these things, I'll be worse at them than someone who is naturally bubbly and extroverted. I would argue that my awareness of the situation gives me a more realistic perception and that I may sometimes surpass an individual that remains blissfully ignorant. But then there are times that I will not, and are those few instances what my entire life will be based upon? Again, I keep wondering how fair this is.

I was proud of myself for not completing falling apart after not doing so well at answering the first question. It was one of those questions that is probably meant to break the ice for most people, but it terrified me because I had no idea how to answer it. It was just too vague. I was faced with either saying nothing or perhaps going on for way too long. So I stumbled through an answer that didn't make much sense, now that I think about it. What was this prompt? "So, tell me about yourself."

I'm bothered by that question because no matter what answer you give, you're still giving an incomplete picture, unless your answer happens to be a novel.

(Distracted by the little gray dots on the whiteboard in my room.)

Insight

I've recently decided that I might want to move back to Pittsburgh. I now know why. I spent a weekend with the right people and kept my attention focused on that, instead of worrying about how miserable I might be on the off chance the wrong people confronted me. Despite a few unhappy looking glances in my direction, they seemed to be relatively easy to ignore, almost like they weren't even there. I've already lost my home to ignorant fucks on more than one occasion, and I don't intend to make a habit of it. Perhaps I am so drawn back to the city, not only because it is home but because I also have a lot of unfinished business to tackle. If I am going to leave somewhere, I want to be the one to decide that. The way things went down, I feel as if something has been taken from me, and I don't think I'll be able to live with the feeling of letting go so easily--of abandoning something I wanted so much and was so close to achieving. I wanted to establish my home out there for a reason, and that reason has not changed, and many of the people that helped me make that decision are still out there. I feel bad for not making them a bigger part of my life when it turns out I could have used them a great deal. I think going back would be very different this time around because I know which people are worth the time.

My brain definitely has a funny way of doing things.

Progress

I finally figured out how to write the introduction to my book. And I'm feeling pretty impressed with myself because of my opening analogy. I feel like the hardest part is behind me. Hooray for progress!

Newsflash

I am an awkward hugger. Hugging most people makes me uncomfortable. How I know that I really love someone--I can feel it in the hug. Those are the ones I wish would never end. It's so rare that I can find someone with whom I can share that much. If you can make me feel that comfortable, chances are you've got a shot. But good luck because the list is pretty short.
On Sunday, I just didn't want to let go. I wasn't sure until that very moment. But now I know that I really did and really do love him, in spite of everything. And once again, it's too late.
It never gets any easier to deal with this kind of pain.

Step-Down

It's over. I'm completely sober, and I don't even think I'm tired. But my reign as Mr. Cattivo is over. I cannot even believe how much has happened in these last twelve months. But I think I said that already.

Everybody surprised me tonight. I really am proud of these guys for how much they have grown.

Let me also just say that I absolutely loved being in the backstage dressing room with Lady Rose and Tamara. That was perfect planning on Renee's part, and that definitely contributed to reducing the awkwardness that could have ensued.

What was awkward was staring out and seeing the first few rows of people giving me death glares the whole time. It's surprising how easy it is to ignore people who hate you when you just have to look beyond them to see the smiling, screaming faces.

But everyone was professional. It was nice. The way it should be.

And of course I cried, but I don't think most people noticed it. I don't think many who did had any idea why. And that's fine with me. Only I need to know.

I'm proud of what I have done. I need to keep thinking of it that way. I just hope it matters.

I'll probably have something more coherent to say when I've processed everything. But this is all I've got for now.

It also feels funny to try to congratulate someone who has blocked you on facebook, so you can't tag them anyway. But still, nicely done. And congrats to everyone.

Night.

Nonsense

Sometimes I am scared that what I am doing will not be good enough. But this one isn't meant to be like that. It's more for me than for anyone else, and I'm hoping that people will understand that. At least one of them is flashy and nuts, though.

It feels like it has been way longer than a year. I can't believe that much shit can happen in twelve months. It makes me wonder what the rest of my life is going to be like.

The crying will definitely happen tonight. 12 months or 24 years worth. Not sure.

Roar. I guess I should continue to do things now. Why am I so nervous? It seems silly. Maybe it is because this is how people will remember me. Or maybe they won't, and that's a little scary.

I don't have time for this depression nonsense.