These are the times I realize how alone I really am. You can say all you want about having close friends and people that care about you, etc. But most of you aren't in this position at all. Most of you are sleeping next to someone who cares about you more than anyone else in the world. What do I mean by times like these?
The times when I'm sick like this and just want someone to be with me through it all. The times when I can't sleep and just want to hold or be held and talk to someone. I know this must be getting old because even I have trouble not being able to get past feeling like this. I keep wondering if there's something genuinely wrong with me or if maybe I'm just supposed to feel like this.
My head really hurts. The pressure is so bad that my eyes keep watering. I'm sitting here in nothing but my gym shorts, but I'm dripping sweat all over and sticking to everything. My ears feel funny too, and I have to keep stopping because reading hurts.
I keep getting the feeling like I want to try something with someone soon (and no there is no particular person in mind), but it's almost impossible for me to feel that way about anyone else right now. I may get transient crushes or feel like I really have something in common with a certain person. But I always worry about fucking things up or just being too fucked up. And then there are times where I have completely normal reasons for not wanting to attempt relationships with people. But sometimes the reasons get a tad mixed up, and I always end up feeling like it's my fault.
I don't want to just get by anymore, but there's no way for me to fix that now. I keep wondering if I made a mistake.
For as confident as I have become in the last few years, I am still one of the most insecure people I've ever known. I feel like if people really knew who I am, they'd run away instead of try to chase after me.
People who are very obviously flirtatious make me really uncomfortable, and I have no idea how to respond appropriately. People say that I flirt with people all the time, but there are very few occasions when I consciously attempt such a thing. I just try to talk to people the way they want to be talked to. And if I am saying or doing something flirtatious, it's usually so extreme that I can't take it seriously, even if other people do.
No matter what I say at any other time, I will say it here again. I can't be with another person right now, no matter how much it hurts to be by myself. I'm worried that that won't change, but I also worry about rushing into something because I want so desperately to be out of this situation.
I'm getting dizzy. Time for more juice and sleep. Ugh.
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I get it.
ReplyDeleteI know what it's like not to have "someone else," I know what it's like waking up to an empty bed, I know what it's like to wish for a moment that you, just maybe, possibly in some foreseeable future, could live with someone else. Could love someone else. But no. Not now. Not in this body. Not in this time. Maybe never.
But you know what else I know? I know that there are reasons we live the way we do, self-preserving reasons. I know there is incredible strength to be gained by relying on ourselves. I know that I, at least, choose this life. Yes, circumstances have led me here, but I choose to stay. I choose to stand up to the challenges and I choose to flourish. Here. The world has important lessons to teach us. And we have lessons to teach the world.
Never forget your own strength.
Never forget who you are.
~B.
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ReplyDeleteB. thanks for including the second part- wish i was brave enough to voice that way of thinking about "the single lifestyle" more frequently...since i so believe and follow it myself.
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