Friday, September 23, 2011

Dinosaur Brains?

I just looked over at the TV, and I'm pretty sure that's an alligator head going through a table saw. Interesting.

Holy shit. It's been almost a week, but it seems like it just happened. Maybe that's because I've been kind of sick for the past few days. No. I've been terribly sick. Jon took me to the ER last night (two nights ago?) because he was worried that my throat was going to close, but he took me somewhere new, so I wasn't exactly talking very much, which is good since that would have hurt anyway. I didn't go to work that day, and any normal human being would have taken the next day off as well, but I'm terrified of getting fired. As much as the job kind of sucks because of insane and/or insanely stupid customers, I really need it right now. I keep checking for new jobs every day, but I do pretty well in commission almost every day.
I won. I can't freaking believe it. I'm actually proud of myself. This time, I did things the way I wanted to do them. I had enough time to do everything I needed to do. I was still stressed out beyond belief, but I'm much calmer when I'm on stage. The waiting is the most stressful part. I could hear my own heart beating just waiting for those names to be read. And then it seemed like everyone in the bar was chanting my name. I couldn't stop smiling. Now I have a little bit of a break before I have to do it all over again come November. I know I've already committed myself to too many different things in the coming months, but I'll make it through.
It hurts a little to be doing this, but I can't just sit here anymore. The fever seems to be getting worse. Still watching alligators.
There is an advertisement for a show called "Rocket City Rednecks" in the top corner of my screen. Only in America.
But, don't get me wrong, I do like explosions.
Not getting anywhere today. Ugh.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


I tried to write something for my "About Me" section, but I got stuck. I didn't know what to put at all. I'm not sure what that says about me. I used to be pretty confident in who I was, and I would be able to describe myself perfectly in just a few words, or so I thought. Maybe it's getting more difficult because I think I'm starting to realize that who I am keeps changing as my life changes. I mean, I'm going to have the same core tendencies, of course, but even some characteristic traits might change as I learn to control my response in any given situation. And I know that I'm a very different kind of person to different people in my life. There are things I enjoy doing that I just can't do right now, for whatever reason. I don't really have a career.

There are a few words that come to mind when I say that. I'm fighting them all the time. I don't want to believe what my entire upbringing has taught me about people like me. I'm not a failure. I'm not useless or lazy.

My writing seems weird today. Maybe this wasn't the right time to start this. After all, I'm only waiting for my phone to charge.

I reached a breaking point yesterday. But I feel good about my decision. I feel bad because my phone died and I slept for 18 hours. But I don't feel sick anymore. And I'm glad I finally decided to take care of myself first. But it doesn't mean that I don't feel guilty.

I' m going on adventures by myself today. I hope this works out well.

I need to clean this place. It's a disaster.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Where would I go if I were to run away right now? I knew this would happen. I knew this feeling would start to take over when things became serious with another person. When I am with someone, I feel stronger. I feel more capable of doing things, more adventurous. The explorer in me comes out. The side of me that wants to see the world and leave a little piece of myself in various places along the way...well, that part has returned as well. I suppose that's not really running away. I wonder if I feel this way for a different reason, though. I wonder if I just want a chance to get a new job in a new place and start all over. I'm not good at leaving things behind, and moving away would probably be the only way for me to make that happen. And even that would take time. Anyway, as exciting and terrifying as it is to think about life outside of Pittsburgh--a life for me outside of Pittsburgh--I'm not ready for that. I could be, maybe. But for now, I think I have more work to do here.

Sometimes pictures make me cry when I know they shouldn't. Nostalgia can be dangerous. I'm not quite far enough away for it to be as simple as that, though. There are fibers here and there connecting me to my old life. And that sounds really stupid considering I'm talking about a year or two ago. But I can feel the fray in the fabric like a tear in my skin. And it's just not going to heal until it finally stops pulling open.
I do miss people. But I miss them as they were, not as they are. And as far as I can tell, there is no going back. Sometimes I just want to be done learning lessons about life.
I don't want this to be as good as it gets for me. I think that's one of my greatest fears.

This is not the kind of quiet that I wanted. It's a loud quiet where I can still hear everything in my head trying to get my attention at the same time. I'm losing it. I know what I need to do as the next step. But I have no way to make that happen. And I'm scared to let anyone know that I'm scared and that I don't think I can do it.

I spent most of my day sleeping. I woke up around two in the afternoon but lay in bed until almost four. And then when Jon left around 930, I fell asleep again. I woke up about an hour ago, wishing I could have just slept a few more hours to make it seem like I had planned to get up early. And now I have a morning full of worry ahead because I don't think I'm going to get everything done. I need to stop saying that I can take care of everything when it's pretty clear that I can't. What would happen if I just let the ball drop this one time? What would happen if I just stopped doing what I always do? That's an experiment for a later date.

I really need a better job.
I need to go back to school. And I hope I'm not just saying that because I feel safe there.
I need to be in control of my space again.

There's never not going to be something wrong with me. I'm not that upset about it anymore, though I still worry about driving people away.

"I want to feel weightless because that would be enough."


For a few weeks, I thought that working at GNC had taught me that I would never be able to stand working in such a heteronormative environment for an extended period of time. But I started to think about how people within my own community respond to the idea of being transgendered, and I'm not actually sure which group I've found to be more accepting. Maybe the people I work with don't have a clue what really goes on with being trans, but they're always respectful when they want to know something, and sometimes you can tell that they really think about how their questions will affect you. I see genuine curiosity in these people and in a lot of the straight people that have interviewed me for whatever reason. Most of the bullshit that I've had to deal with has come from within the gay community. I feel that young gay men in particular are the most problematic. The way the questions are phrased, the way I am seen as an object, etc. I know that this is not a complete picture, and there have been other times in my life where the majority of my frustration came from having to deal with ignorant straight people, but I think the present situation is very interesting.

Topic shift. I'm working on my outfits for Mr. Cattivo. I'm getting excited about it. I feel pretty proud of the one that's almost done, and I've been really excited to do this number for a while now. I can say that I don't care if I win and that I just want to do the number, but I would definitely be lying. I always want to win. I don't know who doesn't. And I have to go through all of the motions with the idea in my head that I am doing this to win. Is that complicated since I am good friends with and live with someone against whom I am competing? Eh, not really. I'm mature about it. I'm competitive, yes. But I'm not an asshole. I'm down to the wire here, and I know it, but I've got a handle on it this time around. I'm in such a different place than I was a year ago (in some ways). And in some ways, that's entirely a lie.

The TV is making it hard for me to write. I have a lot of distractions coming up. That'll be good for me. They make me less likely to worry about making meaning out of my life.

I need to work on music and costumes and my bio tonight. I need to get those things for the bags for Friday. And it's almost 7:30. This isn't looking good right now. I also have to work until 6:30 tomorrow. Ugh. I need to tell people something tomorrow, and I don't know if they are going to like it. But this is something that I have to say because I don't want to explode.

Time Out.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Non-Back-to-School Blues

I realized today just how quickly a place can lose that feeling of home. I had to go to Oakland today for a job interview, which actually went so poorly that I don't even want to mention it right now, and I spent a fair amount of time sitting in the Rainbow office with the new president and vice president and running various errands. I kept looking at the guys playing football on the lawn, the girls walking around in flip flops and carrying purses full of books, the confused freshmen, and everyone else who had that feeling of security because they knew they were in a place that was entirely theirs. I don't have that anymore, and I already miss it. The place still belongs to me in a way, since I did spend so much time there and have known the feeling. But it's not the same. For a split second, I wanted to run back to the bus. I wanted to get away because I didn't want to confront those feelings. In a way, I don't belong there anymore. My time is over. Forever. And that's just one of those words that you never really understand the meaning of until you have to live it.

I'm becoming a shadow. I keep thinking of Dead Poets' Society and how I'm going to be just like the boys in those old photographs in the beginning of the movie. And I'm in between the point of recognition and the point of deciding not to be terribly depressed about the transience of my existence.

I'm on the road to seizing the day, but I'm not prepared for it just yet. But maybe that doesn't matter so much. Maybe I'll never figure out where I'm supposed to be going, but I should probably keep trying because maybe that's all there is.

I'm worried about the same things that everyone else is. I'm worried I'll never really be happy, but am I happy knowing that I'm doing everything I can to try to make myself happy? Does that even make sense? If it does, then I don't think I am because I don't know if I am doing everything I can. What am I missing? This is the question I've been trying to figure out for the last five months.

I'm worried that I'm not good enough or capable enough to do anything. I'm worried that I'm not stable enough to do many of the things that I am interested in doing. I'm worried that this will last forever. I'm worried about everyone else continuing to move forward while I stay exactly where I am. I'm worried that I made the wrong choice. I worry a lot. In fact, I don't remember a time in my life when I didn't worry. I've been anxious, neurotic, twitchy, nervous, etc. my whole life. It's helped me get a lot done over the years, but lately, it's been more of a burden than anything. I find myself worrying so much that I can't even begin to focus on completing a task. I become non-functional. And then because of my anxiety, I am less able to tolerate frustration, and because of my frustration and inability to deal with my own emotions like a normal person, I shut down or freak out. While things haven't been making me go absolutely off the wall lately, I worry that I am hiding myself away. I worry that I'm just avoiding the situations that even might make me a little anxious. And that's starting to catch up to me. I feel like I've put myself up against a wall and everything I've got going on in my life is charging right toward me.

It's roughly three in the morning. I'm still hungry. I'm almost tired. I read an interesting quote on DeJuan Blair's twitter this afternoon: "Just because you miss somebody doesn't mean that they should be in your life." And there's just way too much to say about that, for better or worse.

I'm starting to just feel sad a lot of the time. Summer is almost over. Those things are connected in more ways than one.

I wish I had enough money to just pick a direction and go with it. I have an idea. I think I know what I want to do, at least for now, and that's good enough for me. There's only one problem: I need a little bit of money to do it. I want to take my ACSM CPT exam, but I would need to get the books to prepare for it. And the test itself costs almost 300 dollars to take. This would cost me more than I make in an entire month.

I can't sleep because I think too much. And because I'm hungry. I'm starting to feel disconnected again. But it's strange that there are so many things that do make me happy in my life. I'm just having a hard time really digging my feet into that happiness. I think of happiness like grains of sand, and right now, something is making it feel like solid stone. I'm just not able to penetrate the surface, even though I know it's there.

I was in an office for the second portion of my interview today. I did much better on that than the first, and the one thing that I noticed was that it was quiet. I haven't been in a room that quiet for a very, very long time. And I hadn't realized it until just then. It made me want to stay, which is probably why I did better on that part of the interview. I know I'm not going to get the job because I'm sure I seemed completely incompetent. Maybe it's a sign. Or maybe it means absolutely nothing.

I might be ready to try to sleep again. I need to find time to make a fuckload of lists tomorrow.

The first Pitt game is this Saturday, and I probably won't be able to afford the tickets. I'm hoping some band friends can score me some tickets for the next game, but I really wanted to go to the first one. I've been struggling with a lot of feelings in this area lately. I thought everything had come to a nice point of resolution until I heard some news about band camp this year. I'm going back and forth on what I need to do and what my role should be. It's something I think about a lot. I wish I could be there on Monday as well, but I know better. It's just not the right time.

Maybe I feel guilty about so many things that I am thinking about because I don't like when things are left unresolved.

Maybe I should just go back upstairs and watch Ducktales.

Happy September