Friday, December 31, 2010

Out with the Old

I'm feeling really funny tonight, and I wish I could more succinctly describe it than I'm about to. Most of my friends aren't going to have anything to do with me tonight. I'm not even that surprised about it because I feel like this has been building up for a while. In addition, I keep thinking about things that happened about 3 months ago and all of the people that are no longer in my life--people I really cared about and assumed felt the same way about me. I just can't believe that not a single person cared enough to say something or to even attempt to make me feel like they thought I was a real person. Maybe I actually fear that there were people who understood what happened and why I made my decision but they just weren't strong enough to speak out against the mob mentality that had begun to reign over the entire group. I hate when I have to question more than four years worth of memories. Was any of it real? Where are my friends now? Where were they when I really needed them--when I had all but lost my own family, was afraid of being murdered, was afraid to go home at night, was having meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day, and was afraid to even mention it to them because I didn't want to have them make me feel like the problem child? I hated being treated like a nuisance and I hated causing problems for people that were supposedly doing so much for me. But I started to question things. I'm a pretty perceptive person, despite some deficiencies. In fact, I make up for those by being very, very good in other areas. I won't say which ones because those of you that care will know what I mean anyway. It also helped to have eyes and ears "on the inside". I guess I knew it had been going on with certain people for a long time. I'd heard it from multiple people, but I never expected to catch the person I did, and on a night like that, that was the last thing I needed. That was one of the most crushing things I have ever felt. I felt every little fiber of my heart being ripped apart over and over again. And I was seriously depressed for a long time, and I don't think I'm completely over all of that yet, but it sent me on a pretty awful spiral. I lost a little over 10 pounds in a few weeks, partly because I didn't feel like eating and partly because sometimes I just couldn't afford to anyway. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I guess I'm just feeling really frustrated, and I wanted to get this all out tonight. The year is almost over, and I'm going to have to leave things behind again. But I hate feeling like I have to leave behind all the good things and happy memories because I can't be sure if they were real. I can't be sure if a certain person was being genuine in helping me out all the times he did. I really don't know anymore. He was the person that made me want to stick around the most this year. He was my connection to the rest of them--the one who had known me longer than the rest. I got through some of the shit other people were saying about me because of him, and he made me feel like it didn't even matter because there were far more people who didn't see me that way. But now I'm not sure that that was true, and I'm not sure that he even gave a fuck about me. Maybe he was just doing his job, keeping the peace. How do I tell? I know I'm going to lose them all forever. I don't want that. But I don't see any other way at this point. I need to proceed this way because it's going to happen again, and some other kid's going to get their heart ripped out. I'm seeing the signs already, and I don't like where things are going for some of the others. What do I tell this trans bass drummer from up north when he asks me about joining the line? Think about that one.
I'm queer. And I'm out. This is something I've been struggling with for a while now, and the whole thing gets me absolutely livid. People don't have a problem with gay people. A lot of people say there is no problem at all as long as they don't "act gay". Well, what does that mean? It really means that they are exhibiting atypical gender behaviors. People don't have an issue with sexual orientation. The real problem is deviance from expectations of gender. If a man displays typically feminine characteristics or interests, people take issue and violence can ensue. If a woman does not, she is invisible, ridiculed, not real. It disgusts me to know that had I just been a "normal" guy and kept quiet about my queer life and interests, I wouldn't have been mocked, harassed, and humiliated like that.
I need to start getting ready for tonight. Hopefully, I will be in a better mood later on, but many of the people who could have cheered me up this time last year aren't going to be anywhere near me tonight or any time soon, it seems. Maybe some of them--perhaps most of them--are gone forever too. But I have found new friends in places I would never have expected. In fact, I was sure that I would not like one of them at all, never having had a real conversation. But that just goes to show you that you really can't rely on first impressions. That's a problem that I've faced before too. I'm not always the easiest person to get. I may not say a lot or may seem disinterested, but I'm probably just overwhelmed and thinking way too hard about the whole interaction. I'm not shy, in reality. If you get to the real me--if you can get past all of that other shit--I'm very friendly and love talking to people. And more than anything, I love to make people laugh. I am the ice breaker, and that's often at my own expense. If I can make it easier for the whole group to interact, I will gladly strip myself of my dignity. But you should be aware that this does not give anyone else that right.
Alrighty. Pushups, then clothes, then to the party.

Monday, December 27, 2010

December 27

I don't need saving. I don't need to be taken care of. I'm sorry that this had to happen, but that conversation really needed to end when it did.

Another one gone, I guess. How many friends will I lose in this new year?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Neuro Class

I have that funny feeling behind my eyes that tells me I haven't slept through the night, but what feels even worse is the way I can feel my heart beating double-time as I lie there twenty minutes before my alarm is supposed to go off. I knew my day was going to be shitty from the very beginning, and things haven't been getting any easier. I have something to say to professors who think that poster presentations for ten people in a tiny ass room with everyone else in the class wandering around while all of these people are talking is a good idea: It's not. I felt like I was going to scream the entire time, and I couldn't really listen to anyone anyway. And now I have to GIVE one of these presentations on Wednesday. Guess who's going to fail.
You know what that means for the class I'm in now? There's no point in being here for me because I'm not able to pay attention. I'm glad I have this here to keep my a little focused on something, even if it's not what I'm supposed to be concentrating on. You have no idea how happy I will be when this semester is over. It's strange, but I know that the reason that this whole semester has been out of whack for me is because of the way it started, and even if I have most of my shit together now, the fact that I didn't start out that way really screwed me up. I need this current phase to conclude. My filter's going to work a lot better when I can clean out all this gunk from the fall semester.
I'm going to graduate after all. I need to fill out a bunch of forms this week, but other than that, it's going to happen. There were a lot of times when I didn't think it would, for various reasons. Maybe I thought I was going to be arrested. Maybe I thought I was just going to quit because I couldn't take it. And then maybe I thought that I wouldn't be able to afford that next payment.
I don't know why I was so uncomfortable last night. I have some theories, though.
I need to leave this class early anyway. Why did I even show up? Oh, because I didn't go on Wednesday. I've had to miss way more class this semester than I ever have in college, and this might even rival my absenteeism in high school.
I still feel kind of sick.
I'm starting to get that twitchy feeling.
Another thing that pisses me off...When a student sends you multiple messages about missing grades and random zeros you've entered in CourseWeb, it'd be nice to have a fucking response instead of telling me when I confronted you about it two weeks later that you had gotten my messages and that you'll get to them. Some people don't like to miss the start of their next class. However, I just don't like talking to you, and that's my excuse. And you know...I really just don't like you.
I know that I'm probably feeling funny because it's almost time for my shot. I know the dose isn't high enough. I started feeling really shitty on Friday night. I think I'm starting to recognize a pattern here. Dr. Gold never got back to me about the blood tests. My insurance isn't going to cover them. I'm going to have to go somewhere else where maybe someone can help me out. I just want all of the random suck to stop for just a little bit. That'd be great.
I'm really not taking any of this in.
Why do I have to be so messed up? The worst part of this is that I get away with all of this and have for years. I don't know whether that's good or bad anymore.
I promise to write something where I'm not just bitching about random shit soon.
I'm seeing a nutritionist soon, so I have to leave this class early. I'm getting extra credit for it. I'm kind of interested, but I am worried that it's going to be a huge waste of my time.
I am terrified of the insane debt that I've gotten myself into. I don't think I'll ever get out of it. I couldn't make the payment this month, so it pretty much doubled when the late fee was added. And, um, I still can't pay it, so I don't know what's going to happen except that things are going to get much, much worse.
What the hell am I going to do after graduation? It's not freaking me out, but it's still worrisome. I have all these options now, and decisions are scary. It was easy when I knew exactly what I wanted to do and exactly what I needed to do to get there. Uncertainty is a huge part of my life now. I can't tell if that's messing with me or not.
I had another dream about getting into a fight with someone. This was way more epic and involved more people on both sides of it, and it's an event that might have happened a few weeks ago had I chosen something different.
I just want to stop doing things. I need like 3 or 4 days of nothingness. That's not even going to happen over break because I'm working almost every day. I really need to make that money. I just wanted my fucking name changed before graduation, but now I need to worry about this credit card shit before it really gets bad. I mean, it's already bad. And things aren't looking up.
I alternate between believing that I'm actually depressed and thinking that there are certain things going on in my life that would reasonably make someone feel this way. Sometimes you're supposed to feel like shit. There's nothing wrong with feeling depressed when someone close to you dies, for example. So if I am reminded from time to time of something that really makes me feel terrible, it's not pathological to me. I think what's making me question this is the fact that I get reminded of this almost constantly. I feel pretty stupid about not being able to control this--not being able to force myself into forgetting. I think I've said too much already.