Monday, February 12, 2018


I'm in a weird space right now. Earlier today, I came to the realization that maybe my getting better was really just a hypomanic episode, since I've been on a bit of a downward spiral for the last couple weeks. Others tell me that this depressive episode is the anomaly, likely because they're trying to make me feel better. Unfortunately, most people with my type of bipolar disorder are depressed more often than not, with episodes of hypomania at varying frequencies. There is no getting better here. There is only managing, and I've never quite been able to do that for very long. I'm worried that I'm starting to repeat the cycle, and I don't know what to do to keep things from getting worse.

I fear that I will never function well enough again to do the things I want to do with my life.

That fear itself is paralyzing. Why try if I will never be a functional member of society? If I will never be able to go to grad school, have a family, etc.?

I fear that the only response here is to increase my dose of lithium, which may be the cause of my months-long gastrointestinal issues after all.

I know things are getting bad because I notice myself taking longer to get myself ready to do anything. I feel disconnected and demotivated most of the time. The flashes of motivation sometimes last only seconds, and this tug-of-war is exhausting. I'm not making phone calls. I'm not talking to anyone or making plans. I know what's happening and feel powerless to stop it.

I don't want this to be my life. To be my forever.