Thursday, September 30, 2010

Over Days

People fight. This is something that we all know. But we still have trouble accepting that this is a perfectly normal facet of our lives--that sometimes we'll just have to scream at the people we love and empty ourselves of all the feelings that we've been lugging around for days, weeks, years, or maybe for our whole lives. While it's not okay for this to occur on a regular basis for an extended period of time, we may come to points in our lives when it seems like we are constantly fighting with those closest to us. This is a period of change in the relationship. It's a violent chemical reaction with atoms and molecules colliding all over the place. Our individual responses are modulators that can take the reaction down different roads. They can act as catalysts, inhibitors, or reacting elements themselves. But change of some sort WILL happen. And I don't think change is always negative, despite the way I seem to react to it initially. And just because a relationship is changing doesn't mean you need to break it off to try to preserve the integrity of the relationship that you used to have.

Little arguments aren't the end of the world for me. Even big ones can be okay sometimes. We'll get over it, and we'll try to do better the next time. That's the only thing that really matters to me. It's simple. It's nothing profound that I have said here, but most of my ways of dealing with people are very simple in nature. And I've found that to be pretty effective.

I need to get to the DMV at some point tomorrow. I need some sort of temporary thing so that I can really enjoy going to the reunion on Sunday/get my fifty bucks worth of alcohol. In reality, I probably won't drink that much since there is a rehearsal that night, but having the option would be nice.

I really don't want to go back to listen to this lecture.

So I'm going to run for Homecoming King. This should be a lot of fun. :)

Food. Now. Go.

Monday, September 27, 2010

You don't have to remind me. I already know.
I've got nothing left to lose, so I might as well try.
From the way things are going, he'll be gone soon no matter what I say.

Yeah, I sicken myself sometimes.
I suppose learning to live with myself means learning to live with this part of myself too...and not expecting other people to go through it with me.

I'm going to be more on my own than ever.

So what if you are right?
I still don't know why you had to say it.
I was already feeling like shit.
I don't understand.

I'm waiting for him now, and I guess it won't matter after all. Why am I even trying then? Is that your point? Should I just quit now and let him hate me rather than have my heart broken?
It's too late for that.

I don't care if my head and heart are a mess right now. I'm doing the only thing I can--the only thing I know how to do.
And I know it isn't good enough.
It never was, apparently.

I'm not bitter. I'm admitting it. I understand that much.

I just want things to make sense again. I want to feel connected to people again. I want to feel connected to SOMEONE again. And the person with whom I most strongly desire this connection might break it off tonight or very soon.

I'm trying.
Maybe I can do this, and maybe I can't. We'll see.
It's hard to know what I am saying anymore. I'm not even sure why I am skipping lines and putting these spaces where they are. Nothing makes sense.

I'm not going to ever say that it's not fair. There is no such thing to me. We don't get what we deserve. We get what we get, and that's it. And we make the rest of it ourselves. And maybe I can make something of this, but right now I'm just not feeling it. I think all of this has worn me out, and I don't know what it is going to take to get me back to where I need to be. I know that I really care about someone. That's all I have to go on right now.

Some good people just walked in and made me smile.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I still have Sharpie all over my body from last night. Part of me wishes it could stay there forever. I am happy with myself for last night. I may not be happy about certain other aspects of the night, but the only thing I can say is that I know. And that's really all I need. Thank you.

I was up for hours after saying goodnight. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do in the moment that it happened or for several hours afterward.

It's complicated. But the answer is yes.

None of us know what we are doing, and that is okay.

Although my life is going in a different direction than I thought it would, I am confident in my decision. I am proud of myself for even making that decision, which I will admit I had been thinking about for a long time prior to mentioning it at all. This is what I need to do right now. This is where I am supposed to be. This is what I feel. And that is all I need.

I missed you last night.
I'm glad you're okay.
I understand completely.
I love you.

And I love you.

I'm confused. It hurts sometimes. But we are where we are supposed to be.
It's alright, wherever you are right now.

I can feel myself growing up, this year more than ever.
This hurts too. Most things that are good for you do.

I know more than I think I do. I am capable of more than I think I am.

I can.
I will.

I am.