Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I Can't Think

I just want to be able to stop moving long enough to figure out my life. I almost lost it completely tonight, and I have no idea why. I remember feeling frustrated, but not for the reasons you might think. Or maybe they had a little bit to do with it after all. Again, I'm not sure. And the uncertainty itself is stressful. I feel like I'm fucking up everything I'm trying to do right now, and now I feel silly about the whole mess because not so long ago a good friend of mine was telling me the same thing, and I know I didn't take her words as seriously as I should have. I didn't pay nearly enough attention to her concerns because she seemed to excel at everything she did, and I just couldn't understand for some reason. Now, I'm about to graduate, and I actually have to produce something. I actually do have to worry about doing the right things and doing them well because the rest of my life is affected by the things that happen in the next several months to a year. I just wish I could focus on the few things that are important to me and not have to worry about this legal matter or that. I don't want to have to worry about being so poor that I can't afford to buy food or medication or get blood tests done. But I know that I have to deal with all of these things, and I don't think I'm doing that very well. And I really don't know how to get help or get out of this. I need to graduate. I need to get through this semester and just not do anything for a while. But that's not an option. And I feel that I'm coming towards a very rough few weeks. I didn't have a good night. I did lose it. But not completely. And maybe if I had I'd be able to start over right now. I still feel like there's something left inside of me that couldn't quite get out.
Am I frustrated because there were things that didn't get resolved that should have? Is it about feeling out of control of a lot of situations? Memories? Probably everything, but I would love to be able to isolate the precipitating factors.

Valentine's Day is coming up. And I'm terrified of how that's going to go for me.
I'm pretty sure I'm jealous of everyone around me. I'm fully aware of how immature this is. It's funny. It's not that people aren't interested in me, but I feel that they are interested in me for the wrong reasons. People see a different person on stage than I am in real life, and not many people realize that. I feel like there is an open gate between my drag persona and me. Sometimes we swap traits with one another, but we're not really the same person. I'm not always that confident, especially in relating to other people. I can definitely talk to other people and have enjoyable conversations, but getting close to people is so fucking hard for me. And I've always been pretty scared of it. It's just that a lot of people who are "interested in me" right now just want to fuck me or get fucked by me, and that's not something that I can do without knowing someone. I've really tried to be that kind of guy who can just take someone home, but it's never going to happen.

I'm not sure that I'm capable of getting close to anyone anymore, at least for the time being. I am now way too self conscious. I'm always the one whose heart gets broken: It's always my fault, something I did or didn't do. That sounds way worse than I actually mean it to. I just mean that I clearly haven't done the right things in the various relationships I've been in, and I'm no closer to figuring it out.
I'm too intimidated to even put myself out there for real. Not many people understand, and I'm fairly certain not many people would want to be with someone like me, and I'm not talking entirely about my gender here. It's all so silly. I wish I could block all of this out of my life and mind. I don't want to have to deal with this now when I have all the other things mentioned above going on. But it's there. It seems like it's always there, and I've been very lonely for several months. How do I fix this? Beats me. So I just keep going hoping things will change one day soon.

I didn't want this post to be about this. I wanted to do something a little more fun for people to read. Instead, it came across as bitching again.

I keep thinking that I might actually be depressed. Sometimes I just get up and don't feel like there's a point. I won't even start something that I really want to do, I'll feel like things that used to be important won't matter anymore. It's like my heart's not in things anymore, but my head knows that it isn't and tries to make sense of it. And I think that contributes to nights like this one. I've just been trying to push through it, but it's really been months. It hit me sometime in October or November after getting me a bit in the late summer. I know a lot of people won't agree with what I'm about to say, but sometimes I think I have a legitimate reason to feel the way I do. Maybe my head's just too fucked up all the time. I don't know. I'm even getting the feeling now that there isn't much of a point in continuing to describe this. I don't really like talking about it, though. This isn't who I am or want to be.

I want the pieces of my life to fit together the right way. They're all over the floor right now, and I'm getting really frustrated with having to jam them into places they don't fit.

And now for some reason I just want to be able to cry. No idea why. It just seems appropriate. Of course, that's not as easy as it used to be.

I feel really lost. I need a direction. There are a few things in my life that give me direction for brief moments, little tasks with finite end points and specific goals. But the whole thing's a fucking mess. I don't know how to manage it. Everything is way too different for me now, and I never had time to figure it all out and adjust to it, and it's just going to keep changing and keep fucking with me until I refuse to deal with any of it anymore and lock myself away for good.

What the fuck? Really.

I just want to run.

I miss having someone waiting for me when I get home. I'm worried about what people with think when they read that. At this point, I've stopped caring. Downward spiral much?

I can't relax. I can't recharge. I'm really fucked. I need help. Please.

Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to remind me that I'm really just sitting in the same place I've always been.

Every time any little thing happens around me tonight, I want to pound my fists into the ground and scream. People sneezing, other unexpected noises, etc. But I keep everything in. And I feel like I'm doing this all the time some days, and it's all just to keep other people happy and keep them from thinking I'm some sort of fuck up or freak. Why do I do this? I do it because I don't want to be lonely anymore, and I want to be out there in the real world with real people, but the way my head is right now, that's not possible. This cycle is going to kill me.

Maybe this will never change. Maybe this is as good as it gets. I said that to a good friend of mine about a completely unrelated issue of his. Maybe I have to turn that back on myself. Maybe I have reached the highest point. I've come to accept a lot of things about myself, but I've always believed that there was hope for things to get even better, and that is what has pushed me forward in most cases. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm typing things and not fully understanding why. The words are just coming out and sounding right, and there's nothing more to it. I can't get away right now. There's nowhere I can go and nothing I can do. And I've felt like this for months as I've hopped around from place to place without feeling like I really belong anywhere. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just visiting. I WANT TO GO HOME. I just want to go home.

And I don't want to stop typing right now because that means I'm faced with nothingness again. Actually, that doesn't make any sense. It just means that I have to deal with my own brain and my thoughts without any way at all to filter them out. At least typing gets me to focus only on the things that I need to put into words. I can't do that with talking right now. And maybe I actually still am thinking about way too many things because sometimes the words really don't make any sense. I feel helpless. And useless. And I hate it.


Monday, January 10, 2011


I'm amazed at how far I have come and yet more at how much further I have to go.