Friday, October 29, 2010


Even though it was in an email, it happened for the first time today. I'm not sure what to make of it yet. I'm not sure if things will actually get better, but this is a start.

Maybe I just want to hear what it sounds like when they say it out loud. I might cry.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Here We Go Again (EDITED)

And I was going to look back through my phone to see the parts of that conversation that were important. But my phone is pretty crunchy right now. Do I really need to start putting stickers on things? I hope this will never happen again. I guess it's clear to me that my family is the only thing that affects me this badly. I've even tried to explain that fact to them, and they just laugh at me. They pretend this doesn't exist too, just like almost everything else about me. I know I really shouldn't have answered the phone. But I was feeling so pressured because it was the third call of the day, and we were at about three emails as well. The first one really made it sound like things were going to be better. And I fell for it. But when he answered the phone and greeted me in the same old way, I knew things were about to get bad, and I knew I should have just hung up right then. But I let it go for a minute and tried to catch him right there and explain that it wasn't okay and that I didn't think he really understood. And then there was screaming. And then I just hung up. But then there were more messages, and then I just couldn't let one of them go. I wanted to at least right one thing. And I think that was my bigger mistake. I can't let things go. I can't let things like this sit in uncertainty. So I tried again. I always try to make peace. I always try to make everyone happy. I always want that perfect ending. I guess I have to realize that it just isn't going to happen for me. They're never going to love me. They're never going to want ME in their life. They want someone else. They want to ignore me. And I can't do that. No self-respecting individual would. Tonight made me realize that this is the way it has to be until I can hear those words and believe them: "Dylan, I'm sorry." What I got tonight: "Elise, what the fuck is your problem? What's wrong with you? What the hell did we do to deserve this? Etc. Etc."
It's the same old story on that end. And it's about to be the same old story on another one too, unless I can somehow prove that it won't happen again. You mean too much to me to let this get in the way. I don't want to be something you can't handle.

I'm doing it for real this time, and nothing they can say, other than what I noted above, is going to change my mind. I won't be able to deal with it otherwise. And I shouldn't have to.

I love you. Please don't give up on me.

This was just a roadblock.

I don't want this to change your mind, especially after the conversation we had the other day. It was one of the best and most honest I've had in a while, and I don't think I've ever been able to say things like that to anyone else. I feel so completely comfortable around you. I still want 'us' to happen.

But I still understand your concerns.

I was doing REALLY well, especially today. Maybe that's why I thought I could handle that phone conversation. Maybe that's why I thought it would change things.

Thank you for telling me to hang up tonight. It was the right thing to do.

I can control myself. You've been right this whole time. I do have the ability to do that. You see that part of me every day. I can be like that more often than I am. And that's what I've been working on. I also have been working on a way to let people know when it's happening and to let them know that it is absolutely okay to leave me alone, and it's sometimes better that way.
The drama is going to stop soon. I'm going to make sure of it. That's been part of this whole plan I've been working on.

That solution might be to take a semester off, which I guess would equate to taking a year off since the only classes I absolutely need are offered in the spring term only. But that would give me a chance to work and raise enough money to take those few classes that I do need. It's not ideal. But we have to work with what we have, and right now, I can't afford to graduate in the spring. This is my reality, and I am okay with it.
I'm constantly surprised by what I actually can live with.
I do need to finish this semester, however.
I am getting help from SJ on Saturday to get my shit out of Greenfield.

Things actually are coming together for me. And it's awesome. And I don't want you to think that tonight is an indication of the way things will be in any way.

Even the things I still have left to do tonight, I'll be able to do now. That's pretty ridiculous. I never would have been able to focus on work after something like that before. But now, I'm ready to go do more laundry and read some chapters in this book. And that makes me really happy.

It ALWAYS looks worse than it really is.
You never have to worry about my hurting anyone, including myself.

I was going a year plus without problems. I see no reason why that can't happen again. And those were pretty stressful times as well.

I'm serious about not letting this get in the way of anything. And I'm willing to do pretty much anything to make sure it doesn't. I just want you to trust me about that. If you can offer me that, I know it'll be a lot better off.
If you can believe that I am capable, then it just helps me out that much more. I don't want to feel like you think I can't do this. I can.

Give me some time to show you that this isn't what it's going to be like.

You're on my mind a lot.
You make me smile.

Please let me know when I am doing stupid things. Don't let me get away with it.
Hold me accountable.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

October is Exhausting

I know we all want to stop playing this game. I hate games like this. I only play them because it seems like other people are forcing me to. If I break the rules, I'm the one that gets called out, and if I refuse to play, then I automatically lose. Is it really that hard to have a conversation with me? To ask a question? I'm really upset by a lot of the things I'm seeing and hearing, and I really don't want to believe that all of them are true. Word travels quickly around here. That's the benefit of having such connections. I'm fortunate in that respect.
I still have it. I still carry it with me. I took it out of my pocket and stared at it for a little bit like I stared at the screen this morning, and I had to deal with the same feelings. I didn't know what to say, and when I figured it out, I didn't know how, and when I figured that out, I realized that I couldn't because I was still playing the fucking game.
But it does still mean something to me. I can't forget what it did for me--what it was really about for me. But maybe that's gone now. I really don't want to believe it. It makes me angry when I start to think about where things have gone. I wish there were something I could do.
Making assumptions is fucking dumb.
I know you're talking about me. And you know I talk about you sometimes. Why do we have to hide this? Wouldn't this be much more effective if we sat down and talked it out? One on one? We don't need an audience. We don't need anyone else to know, at least right away. Dirty little secret, anyone?
So that'll never happen. Apparently, no one has the balls to approach me. I made my move. I'm waiting. And nothing. Interesting, huh?

My stomach is full of shitty Chinese food.
I will be in Baltimore performing on an international stage this weekend!
I have so much fucking homework to do that I feel like I'm drowning in my obligations.
Where am I going to get 1800 dollars?
I wonder if they are thinking of me. And I'm not talking about you.
Why'd you have to turn into a fucking doucheface?
I still think you're cool. Call me. For real.

I finally got rid of that black nail polish. That was getting really awkward.
Thanks for writing on my hand :)
I wore purple today.

I want to fall asleep next to you sometime soon.
I hope you feel better. I'm hugging you right now. I hope you can feel it.

I'm too out of it today to write in a more coherent way. It all started this morning with something I saw on facebook. It made me sad. It made me angry. I didn't know how to react. Then I had to run around campus. I looked at my bank account and laughed. I took an exam for which I really wasn't prepared, and I actually think I did pretty well. I skipped my next class. I came home to sleep. I woke up to a phone call telling me about my Homecoming application. Then I found myself staring at an 1800 dollar hold that's going to prevent me from registering again. This time, I really don't have anything to fall back on. No one is going to save me. I don't know what to do. We're leaving in a few days, and I'm trying to prepare myself for that so I don't freak out. I have so much work to do. But now I might need another job so that I can keep paying rent and credit card bills and somehow find a way to stay in school.
I love my new place. But I still need to get everything out of the old one. My head is spinning. Brain train? That's hardly the way that I think about things. Not a good analogy. Unless the train didn't abide by the laws of physics and there were like 1000 of them twisting around each other like worms inside a can.
I was able to save myself a few times today. But I wavered around that midpoint of not being okay for a while. Sometimes it really felt like too much to fight. It would have just been easier to let go. But then I would have had to put my friends through that. Or I would have just run away and locked myself in the office. This is the part that is so hard to explain to people. I've done it enough for some people.
I don't have to explain myself to you anymore. I will if you want me to, though. But you have to ask. USE YOUR WORDS. l.o.l.

That sounded harsh. Oh well.

I'm really not as bitter as this is indicating right now, actually. It just comes across that way sometimes. I think I need to sleep. I guess it would be considered a nap at this point.

Maybe I'll do something creative one of these days. It's been a while. But I hate writing things that sound really angry, and a lot of people and things have been frustrating me lately. I don't want to work myself up to the point where I can't function. It happens sometimes. I'm obviously much better at that now than I was four or five years ago. I can even work myself down sometimes. That's cool to me. It makes me happy. I hope others have noticed too.

I'm for real.
And I'm for real going to sleep this time.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Pink Lemonade

I've learned quite a bit from the mistakes I have made, and I am actually pretty thankful that I have enough of a brain to realize, at least most of the time nowadays, when my words and actions will have negative consequences. I used to suck at this, and I'd get myself into trouble all the time. I have more tact these days, but that doesn't mean that I always have to use it. I shouldn't really be surprised by how stupid a lot of people can be. Sometimes people just don't think. And that's really sad. A lot of people get hurt that way. But if people want to go ahead and dig their own graves, I'm not going to complain. It helps me out. I say a hell of a lot more than I used to, and that is naturally going to cause me some more problems. I'm not doing such a great job with writing this. Maybe I do just want to come out and say what I mean. If only it were that easy. The waiting game is so difficult.

Everything has a way of coming back to you. And you should be prepared for that. I know I am.

It's not what you're doing but who you are. There was more to that sentence, but it means a lot more to a lot more people if I don't finish it the way that it started.

I'm not as shocked anymore that you didn't make the connection that might have prevented you from saying it. I'm seeing much more clearly now. A part of me wishes I could have pretended for a little longer. A part of me wishes that my heart didn't have to be ripped out and nailed to a wall (or maybe it was tape and maybe it wasn't exactly a wall). But it's better this way. It's hard, though. And maybe I still love what everything was supposed to be. I hate that I have to doubt so much about it now. But no matter what happens now, it was genuine at one point.

I'm thinking of one boy in particular. It makes me so sad to have lost you. I hate that I sound like my parents. I know you're never coming back, though. I'm sorry. You were my friend, and I miss the boy I used to know.

I'm being a bit more transparent now, I guess. Maybe I hope you do. I've had to hold myself back for a while now, when I desperately want to scream. I guess every day is kind of like that for me, even if it is one minute out of the day. Bricks and windows? Not quite my style anymore. Words are my weapon of choice. I guess they seem to be yours too. I like mine better. :)

I like mine better.

I like walking into a room where I get smiles instead of stares. I like having a conversation and being a part of one. I like being allowed to find my own way. I like helping other people find theirs. I like my voice.

I like my voice.

I like being able to breathe. It's not always easy.

I'm not afraid to say it to your face, whatever it may be. It's less messy that way. I guess this pisses off quite a few people. Would you prefer that I say the same things behind your back? You're doing it.

I tried to keep it contained. I don't think that can happen now.

Maybe if you were a rock star...
Baby, I AM a rock star.

It does matter. Keep that in mind. It's going to make sense soon. That I can promise you.

Not one person. Disappointing.
Not THE one person. Heartbreaking.

The same words my brother used.

And you should have known.

This is getting real.

School is way less important than the people that are keeping me here. It's funny how it took me this long to figure that out. Life works in ridiculous fucking ways. But I like giving a damn. I never thought I'd be this person. I never thought I'd be an activist. I never even thought I'd have a voice. I thought much less that I'd be a voice.

Holy shit, guys.

I'm 22 in some ways. A lot of people don't see all the different parts of me. I can count on one hand the people that can. And they are still around. Three. On the way to four and maybe five. I'm opening up. I'm not afraid of that either.

I can talk on the phone with you. And it felt normal. I have so much to say to you. I can't wait until you come home. I can't wait until I can stop moving. November can't come soon enough.

I just want to get through all of this. It doesn't even matter how. Maybe it should. But I'm fine. I'm really okay with my life. Wow, huh?

"What if they get more tanks?" Bitch, I don't need a tank. I breathe fuckin' fire.

Pink Lemonade.
Pink Lemonade. (in a determined kind of way, with a smile on my face)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


How many more of us have to die?