October is Exhausting

I know we all want to stop playing this game. I hate games like this. I only play them because it seems like other people are forcing me to. If I break the rules, I'm the one that gets called out, and if I refuse to play, then I automatically lose. Is it really that hard to have a conversation with me? To ask a question? I'm really upset by a lot of the things I'm seeing and hearing, and I really don't want to believe that all of them are true. Word travels quickly around here. That's the benefit of having such connections. I'm fortunate in that respect.
I still have it. I still carry it with me. I took it out of my pocket and stared at it for a little bit like I stared at the screen this morning, and I had to deal with the same feelings. I didn't know what to say, and when I figured it out, I didn't know how, and when I figured that out, I realized that I couldn't because I was still playing the fucking game.
But it does still mean something to me. I can't forget what it did for me--what it was really about for me. But maybe that's gone now. I really don't want to believe it. It makes me angry when I start to think about where things have gone. I wish there were something I could do.
Making assumptions is fucking dumb.
I know you're talking about me. And you know I talk about you sometimes. Why do we have to hide this? Wouldn't this be much more effective if we sat down and talked it out? One on one? We don't need an audience. We don't need anyone else to know, at least right away. Dirty little secret, anyone?
So that'll never happen. Apparently, no one has the balls to approach me. I made my move. I'm waiting. And nothing. Interesting, huh?

My stomach is full of shitty Chinese food.
I will be in Baltimore performing on an international stage this weekend!
I have so much fucking homework to do that I feel like I'm drowning in my obligations.
Where am I going to get 1800 dollars?
I wonder if they are thinking of me. And I'm not talking about you.
Why'd you have to turn into a fucking doucheface?
I still think you're cool. Call me. For real.

I finally got rid of that black nail polish. That was getting really awkward.
Thanks for writing on my hand :)
I wore purple today.

I want to fall asleep next to you sometime soon.
I hope you feel better. I'm hugging you right now. I hope you can feel it.

I'm too out of it today to write in a more coherent way. It all started this morning with something I saw on facebook. It made me sad. It made me angry. I didn't know how to react. Then I had to run around campus. I looked at my bank account and laughed. I took an exam for which I really wasn't prepared, and I actually think I did pretty well. I skipped my next class. I came home to sleep. I woke up to a phone call telling me about my Homecoming application. Then I found myself staring at an 1800 dollar hold that's going to prevent me from registering again. This time, I really don't have anything to fall back on. No one is going to save me. I don't know what to do. We're leaving in a few days, and I'm trying to prepare myself for that so I don't freak out. I have so much work to do. But now I might need another job so that I can keep paying rent and credit card bills and somehow find a way to stay in school.
I love my new place. But I still need to get everything out of the old one. My head is spinning. Brain train? That's hardly the way that I think about things. Not a good analogy. Unless the train didn't abide by the laws of physics and there were like 1000 of them twisting around each other like worms inside a can.
I was able to save myself a few times today. But I wavered around that midpoint of not being okay for a while. Sometimes it really felt like too much to fight. It would have just been easier to let go. But then I would have had to put my friends through that. Or I would have just run away and locked myself in the office. This is the part that is so hard to explain to people. I've done it enough for some people.
I don't have to explain myself to you anymore. I will if you want me to, though. But you have to ask. USE YOUR WORDS. l.o.l.

That sounded harsh. Oh well.

I'm really not as bitter as this is indicating right now, actually. It just comes across that way sometimes. I think I need to sleep. I guess it would be considered a nap at this point.

Maybe I'll do something creative one of these days. It's been a while. But I hate writing things that sound really angry, and a lot of people and things have been frustrating me lately. I don't want to work myself up to the point where I can't function. It happens sometimes. I'm obviously much better at that now than I was four or five years ago. I can even work myself down sometimes. That's cool to me. It makes me happy. I hope others have noticed too.

I'm for real.
And I'm for real going to sleep this time.