Pink Lemonade

I've learned quite a bit from the mistakes I have made, and I am actually pretty thankful that I have enough of a brain to realize, at least most of the time nowadays, when my words and actions will have negative consequences. I used to suck at this, and I'd get myself into trouble all the time. I have more tact these days, but that doesn't mean that I always have to use it. I shouldn't really be surprised by how stupid a lot of people can be. Sometimes people just don't think. And that's really sad. A lot of people get hurt that way. But if people want to go ahead and dig their own graves, I'm not going to complain. It helps me out. I say a hell of a lot more than I used to, and that is naturally going to cause me some more problems. I'm not doing such a great job with writing this. Maybe I do just want to come out and say what I mean. If only it were that easy. The waiting game is so difficult.

Everything has a way of coming back to you. And you should be prepared for that. I know I am.

It's not what you're doing but who you are. There was more to that sentence, but it means a lot more to a lot more people if I don't finish it the way that it started.

I'm not as shocked anymore that you didn't make the connection that might have prevented you from saying it. I'm seeing much more clearly now. A part of me wishes I could have pretended for a little longer. A part of me wishes that my heart didn't have to be ripped out and nailed to a wall (or maybe it was tape and maybe it wasn't exactly a wall). But it's better this way. It's hard, though. And maybe I still love what everything was supposed to be. I hate that I have to doubt so much about it now. But no matter what happens now, it was genuine at one point.

I'm thinking of one boy in particular. It makes me so sad to have lost you. I hate that I sound like my parents. I know you're never coming back, though. I'm sorry. You were my friend, and I miss the boy I used to know.

I'm being a bit more transparent now, I guess. Maybe I hope you do. I've had to hold myself back for a while now, when I desperately want to scream. I guess every day is kind of like that for me, even if it is one minute out of the day. Bricks and windows? Not quite my style anymore. Words are my weapon of choice. I guess they seem to be yours too. I like mine better. :)

I like mine better.

I like walking into a room where I get smiles instead of stares. I like having a conversation and being a part of one. I like being allowed to find my own way. I like helping other people find theirs. I like my voice.

I like my voice.

I like being able to breathe. It's not always easy.

I'm not afraid to say it to your face, whatever it may be. It's less messy that way. I guess this pisses off quite a few people. Would you prefer that I say the same things behind your back? You're doing it.

I tried to keep it contained. I don't think that can happen now.

Maybe if you were a rock star...
Baby, I AM a rock star.

It does matter. Keep that in mind. It's going to make sense soon. That I can promise you.

Not one person. Disappointing.
Not THE one person. Heartbreaking.

The same words my brother used.

And you should have known.

This is getting real.

School is way less important than the people that are keeping me here. It's funny how it took me this long to figure that out. Life works in ridiculous fucking ways. But I like giving a damn. I never thought I'd be this person. I never thought I'd be an activist. I never even thought I'd have a voice. I thought much less that I'd be a voice.

Holy shit, guys.

I'm 22 in some ways. A lot of people don't see all the different parts of me. I can count on one hand the people that can. And they are still around. Three. On the way to four and maybe five. I'm opening up. I'm not afraid of that either.

I can talk on the phone with you. And it felt normal. I have so much to say to you. I can't wait until you come home. I can't wait until I can stop moving. November can't come soon enough.

I just want to get through all of this. It doesn't even matter how. Maybe it should. But I'm fine. I'm really okay with my life. Wow, huh?

"What if they get more tanks?" Bitch, I don't need a tank. I breathe fuckin' fire.

Pink Lemonade.
Pink Lemonade. (in a determined kind of way, with a smile on my face)