I think I have such a hard time letting go because I know exactly what I'm missing, and I'm confronted with that feeling of loss from time to time. I have to do my best not to let that overwhelm me, but sometimes I just fail. I don't know how to interpret this or the other feelings that rise to the surface. Maybe this is just a part of it. Maybe this is what it means. I don't want to be that guy. Or maybe I do, and that's the whole problem.
Maybe I don't want to be anyone's right now. Or maybe I just want to be someone's. I don't know what the answer is. I'm not done dealing with the last several months of relationship disasters. I don't know if I will ever be. Christ, I sound sixteen again. I might just be missing a lot of people and things right now. I'm scared to not miss them, really.
I wish I had a bit more time to write, but I have to be up early tomorrow because I'm going on JJ's webcast. Maybe I can get a few more things out anyway.
It's almost Thanksgiving. That means it will have been a year since my parents found out about my trans identity. I say this because I did not choose to come out to them at that time, though it would have happened a few days later, had things gone my way--had the power of facebook not rendered that impossible. So much has changed in one year. That one year feels like it has lasted a lifetime. A lifetime's worth of people have come and gone since then. It's amazing how much experience can be packed in to that amount of time. The story of my life--our lives--will make a great novel some day.
"You have to do the right thing."
Yes, I do. But you and I have different ideas about what that is and how it pertains to my situation right now. But rest assured that I am. We all try to operate under the basic assumption that what we are doing is right.
Things are going to change soon.
I'm ready for this.
I'm going to lose some people. And that makes me very sad. But sometimes that happens when you do the right thing. I've already lost a lot of you. I rarely give up on people, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in taking responsibility for what you have done. If only I could be more specific. It won't be much longer.
Thank you for coming with me today. Thank you both for spending this day with me when you didn't have to at all. It's one of the first times I've felt like somebody's really had my back during this whole situation. You've really helped me not to lose focus and feel overwhelmed/pressured. Writing things down definitely helped. Talking it through to the point of exhaustion did too. We just kept turning it over and over and over again. And each time, it became a little clearer. And by the end, it was pretty obvious. This is going to change things. I won't get it back, but I'll make sure that no one else has to lose it.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I don't like feeling as far apart from you as I do right now. You're more than one person, in more than one place. But I think things are going to be okay. I have to start accepting that people come into and out of your life all the time. I just can't believe that we hardly ever see each other anymore. We spent so much of the last several years together. My friend is gone. Maybe things are just different. I wish I could make sense of this, of all these other relationships that keep happening around me. I think it's all starting to, but it's tough. Maybe this is because I haven't really been outside of a relationship for an extended period of time since early in high school. I never knew your heart could break this many times and still keep going. It's kind of incredible, and it might be weird, but that makes me smile.
I think it's time to nap.
I think it's time to nap.