For B, Who Has Been Waiting

Peter came into Rainbow without really knowing me as Elise. (That seems so strange to write when it isn't on a medical form.) But he told me that he always perceived my energy to be masculine, and he said this and acted in ways that really made me believe it. There weren't many extraordinarily detailed conversations about the process: no Trans 101. Peter was the kind of person who educated himself on these details so that he could enter into a conversation with a trans person as an informed ally. He focused on me when he was with me, not my transition or my trans status. But what impressed me more was the he embraced genderqueer concepts in his own life. As a cisgender gay male, that's not an easy thing to do without facing some sort of backlash. The gay male community is full of bottom-bashing stereotypes and pressures of its own. I've grown to fear some of them myself.
He told me a few times how he knew there was a bit of woman inside him. That he didn't really care about his penis but found it quite useful. Peter had his own sense of style, both internal and external. The best part about that was that these things hardly ever had to be discussed. Two people who know themselves never have to defend their identities around each other. That's what was relieving. No walls.
I didn't have to prove my masculinity any more than he did. Or femininity. Or gayness. Or anything.
And that allowed us to approach both public and private interactions at a much lower level of tension.
He made me feel safe because of this. Not necessarily in a physical sense, but in every other way.

Peter

I've been waiting for words to come all day, and I don't think my emotions have entirely sorted themselves out.  I got a message this morning on Facebook. I had to check the news reports to make sure it was real. It still hasn't managed to feel real. You were 25 years old. Your car hit a retaining wall and caught fire, but we know little more than that.
Throughout the day, I've been getting hit with memories that have made me smile more than frown, and the most incredible thing about this experience to me is that just as you had this unique way of bringing together groups of friends from vastly different social circles in life, so you have been able to bring so many of us back together to celebrate the beautiful person you were, even though you have passed from this world.
I know I will never be able to capture in words all of the memories with which I am left. I'm not even sure about the exact day we met. I feel like you grew into a bigger and bigger part of my life as I began to grow into myself and open up to people who had been trying to get close to me for months or even years. You grew into such a big part of my life that I remember spending almost every single day with you and never wanting to be apart. You were the one to help me pick up the pieces when I thought my life had fallen apart, on more than one occasion, during the most difficult summer of my life. You always had this way of turning tragedy on its head. You made me feel much stronger than I thought I ever could be.
I remember how you, James, Joseph, and I were the Golden Girls, and you were Blanche, of course.
I remember finding a box of bagels and cream cheese with you on the corner across the street from the Cathedral, as well as being curled up in pain with you on the floor of the Rainbow office after deciding it was somehow a good idea to eat them.
I remember dancing with you at Kelly and Chance's wedding this summer and how we both laughed because we couldn't figure out who should lead.
I remember the random summer walks, playing board games on your floor in the blazing summer heat when you had no air conditioning.
You loved mugs. You had the best mug collection I've ever seen, and I fondly remember our trips to Goodwill where you'd buy about five or six at a time.
I remember that time where we lived together without actually living together and how we only had that apartment for about a month. It still felt like home. I think that's because we both wanted it to be so badly.
I remember that you didn't own more than one pair of shorts. You insisted on wearing long pants all year round. As Melissa said, this is because you are a hipster. But you always denied it. Proving the point.
Speaking of which, that night we decided to scale a fence and go tagging was one of the best nights of my college life. It felt like we were in Stand By Me. That was way better than studying for finals ever could have been.
I remember walking along the train tracks with you and Kelly in the summer of 2010, taking a ridiculous picture of the two of us biting the same piece of meat on a stick after already having taken so many absurd pictures before heading to Pride in the Street that same year.
I remember how you talked often about how you talked with Paul McCartney when you were in London, and I thought this was the coolest thing ever.
I remember how much you desired to find someone with whom you could start a family and have children. We both agreed you'd make an awesome dad.
You also loved hotels. And now I totally understand why.
I remember the time you carried me out of my house and into your car when I was too sick to even walk.
I remember how you always slept with a fan going because you just couldn't fall asleep otherwise.
I remember the way you used to hold me in just the right way so that the tension just melted away. You made me feel safe and loved. And you were one of the first people in my life to truly see me for the man I am. You were one of the few people whose understanding of gender made me sigh with relief. For this, you were an invaluable asset to the transgender community of Pittsburgh.
I remember how valuable an asset you were to the entire queer community of Pittsburgh. You seemed to know everyone. You've touched the lives of so many people. You always brought people together. Every time I look back at pictures of us out on the town, we are surrounded by at least a dozen loving friends. Even when you were going through your own periods of darkness, you somehow managed to spread light wherever you went. You had this way of making people happy and bringing out their love for life whenever you came near. I wonder if you knew just how important to our community you were. How many people will never be the same because you were a part of their lives.
 You helped me discover and grow into the person I am today, and you will always be a part of me. I miss you so much, and as I fight through this sea of conflicting emotions and struggle to grasp the reality of this situation, I think about what you would have wanted your closest friends and family members to do. As much as we must mourn the loss of a truly great and inspirational human being, we must also do you the honor of celebrating your life and continuing to work for the equality you believed we all deserve. It was tattooed on your hand, in plain sight, because you believed something so important should not be hidden. You were unapologetic about what you believed. And that made us all a little more comfortable with ourselves. You helped us learn to carry our spirits like you carried your tattoo. You helped us understand that we were not put on this earth to hide.
I think that is the most difficult part of all for me to handle. We were put here to live. And you embodied the idea of living life to the fullest more than anyone I knew, really. It seems cruel that the world has lost someone with such a zest for life--someone who had so much life left to live and so much more left to give. I haven't gotten all of these feelings sorted out yet, but this is what your memory has helped me learn in just the last half a day or so.
I had no idea that that dance this summer would be the last time I would ever see you. But it is truly one of the most beautiful memories with which you could have left me.
 Even though you might have laughed at me in life for saying this, I do believe you are here with me, helping me along the way in this process of grieving. I want to thank your spirit for staying with me, and I want to thank all the friends who have reached out to me with phone calls, messages, and comments just to let me know that they are here. We will help each other through this because we are family. I love you all, and this whole experience--being completely new territory for most of us who have never had to deal with the loss of a peer so early in life--has made a lot of us realize how precious these friendships really are and how valuable our time together can be. <3 p="">

I Knew It

Now, no matter what I decide, I will have to deal with the pain of losing people again.

Impermanence

I'm starting to believe that "forever" doesn't exist. When I think back on all of the impermanent people and things, I start to fear that everything that I know right now is going to be the same. I will lose touch with people or just lose them. The entire scene will change over and over again. This may not sound like news to a lot of people, but something about it hits me in a way it never has before. It most likely has something to do with my going home for a few weeks. I know it's what I need right now, but that doesn't mean I'm not afraid. I'm afraid because I'm already feeling kind of alone where I am. I don't like this disconnected feeling that I keep having, but it's only in certain places that it happens. It's unfortunate that it has to be in my own home.

I picked up a letter that I had written several months ago. I knew exactly which angry letter it was. I didn't open it. I just tore it up and threw it away. It didn't matter anymore. Angry letters rarely do.

My mood is basically a heavy sigh. My current song is my nationals mix because that's one of the only things I can think about with just over a week to go and so much work to be done.

I don't know what else. I can't focus enough on writing. Balls.

A Letter I Wish I Could Send

I ended up crying because of how you treated me tonight. I still really care about you as a friend, and I don't know why the fuck you are so personally affected by a decision that had nothing to do with that. The reason I did it was to save our friendship, which I've told you over and over again. You showed up at my show tonight, and I thought that meant we could start to work on things, but instead, you treated me like shit and knew how that would affect me. I can only hope that you didn't do this on purpose--come to my show just to fuck with me and make sure it would fail.

You still mean a lot to me. But I've come to a really difficult point right now. I feel used and manipulated, and I am deeply hurt by all of this.

"It's just drag. Life goes on."

You disrespected me tonight, and I'm not a scared little boy anymore, and if something like that ever happens again, I'm not afraid to have you escorted out. I don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable at my own event.

I've tried to talk to you personally about it, so I don't consider this a passive aggressive attempt. You refuse to talk to me, which I can only assume means that you have given up on our relationship. I will tell you right now that I have done no such thing. I'm incapable of being like that, even when I want to, even when it would be so much fucking easier to just not care.

I don't want to lose you, but there will come a point when I will decide that I must close that door, if nothing changes, in order to protect myself.

I hope you understand this, all of it.

One-Year and Many Thoughts

Well, this doesn't start with my freaking out, so that's a step in the right direction, but although this isn't going to be terribly negative and depressing, I'm fairly certain there is nothing positive about the situation either. I just used a lot of words to say nothing, which means I must be trying too hard to make this not sound whiny or desperate. I'm far from those things, really. I'm happy. I'm really happy with myself and what I have managed to accomplish, yet I'm also ashamed of myself and disappointed in myself, and I can't quite shake what I'm feeling. And then there are the things that I really can't talk to anyone about. I guess that is the downside to everyone knowing everyone else in your circle of friends.

I've made videos and written about this in a lot of other places, but maybe I should take some time to work this out right here. It's been just over a year since I began taking testosterone, and I could finish this sentence in any number of ways. Not all of the changes have been physical, and a physical change does not necessarily equate with a visible change. The emotions I experience have not changed, but how I handle the experience definitely has. I think I've improved in some ways, which may have nothing to do with the hormone at all, but I also believe that there were periods throughout the past 12 months during which the fluctuation in my hormone levels became an added burden. I'm thinking back to the difficult time I had dealing with my family and housing situations over the summer. I honestly could not figure out how to handle these things, and I felt like I was fighting with myself more and more. It felt like a physical battle, and I couldn't always come out victorious. And then I started failing to meet my obligations, which only made certain people harder to deal with, and that's where things began to get out of control. I have no problem talking about that situation anymore, and maybe that's one of the things I need to get off my chest.

There is a very large part of me that knows that he knows what he did was wrong. A huge part of me wants to believe that he really does feel these things--that my decision made sense in light of what was happening. I feel that he does indeed know that he played a pivotal role in helping to force me out, even disregarding the final incident. I'm struggling with this thought that I can't force out of my head. I keep seeing people here and there around campus--people with whom I used to be very close--and I receive nothing but positive vibes from most of them. I'm usually pretty good about picking up on these things, and I'm glad that I know this now. I now know that sometimes my negative emotions and feelings are not coming from inside of me, and being able to separate my own emotions from those of others has been immensely helpful. I want to start talking to them again. And I kept feeling terrible in trying to get this problem solved through the University because the only thing I felt like I was doing was getting revenge. I kept turning it over in my head, and it never made me feel good. Why would I ever want anyone else to feel what I felt? Why would I want to take from someone else what was taken from me? And how would that help me at all? I don't want him to lose it. I just want him to understand what he did and why it hurt me so much, and maybe I should have done this a long time ago. Maybe I should have had that conversation with him in person. It's funny because I know I was about to. I was going downstairs to have that exact conversation--to talk about how things had gotten so bad with the others that I felt like leaving. I wanted to talk about the fact that I knew why everyone was upset and had been upset, that I knew I wasn't always meeting the obligations that I said I would, that I knew something needed to be done. I prayed to be punished. I prayed to have someone tell me that I needed to make up for what I had failed to do. I prayed for someone to have an actual conversation with me instead of talking about me behind my back and mocking me for things that were completely unrelated. I prayed for someone to act like a fucking grown-up in that situation. Maybe I was getting so messed up and so easily frustrated because I was trying to get their attention--trying to reach out for them to help me when I knew I was not in a place to help myself. I know that I had become pretty vocal about things that bothered me. And I refused to keep quiet about the things that mattered to me anymore. And then conflicts arose. I'm quite an easy person to deal with in reality. I don't think I'm an unreasonable person. You just have to talk to me. But I know that's not easy. And because I know that isn't easy, I'm even more understanding. But I felt betrayed that night. I'm letting you all know. I felt like my heart had been ripped out by the one person I thought I could trust that night. The whole day had been a nightmare, and I had to walk from East Liberty to the house in the rain, and all I wanted to do was just sit by myself for a few minutes so that I could regain control. To be mocked for that--in the middle of it--was something I really couldn't take. I needed someone to listen. I could move again when I heard him come in. I moved downstairs. And the rest, as they say, is history.
I will never be able to get back what was taken from me in that final season. And that has hurt me more than a lot of people can understand. Anyone who was in it with me would have the greatest chance of understanding. I came that last day with my friends and fucking bawled my eyes out when you played cadences from my freshman year. Other than Mark, I was the only one who would have known them.
I see you guys all the time, walking down the street, in the Union. Some of you try not to look at me. I wish I could have honesty more than anything. It eliminates a lot of frustration and confusion. There was another person I thought would have been able to understand. We used to be friends. She surprised me. If I disappointed you, I need you to know the feeling was mutual.
Yeah, I still think about it. I have to think about it every time I pick up a pair of sticks or sit down at my set, every time my band friends talk about this or that, every time I pick up my keys, every time I listen to 311 EVER, every time I walk by the places we all used to go. I defined myself by this for a long time, and it IS a part of me, whether I want it to be or not. I do want it to be. But it would be easier to forget all about it. It would be easier if I could pretend that those 4.5 years of my life never happened, but I can't do that. I wouldn't want to. You gave me so much of myself. I learned my first little bits of self-confidence in those years. I learned so much about dealing with people and met some of the people who have helped to change my life, and I keep praying that one day they'll be back again. I want to say all of these things to you and more. I want to say that I gave you everything that I could have, and I know it wasn't what you wanted from me in this last year. But there was no more of me to give by the end, and I felt like everyone was chipping away at me. I can't apologize for just trying to get by. I can't apologize for trying to keep myself together and functioning. I can't apologize for being out of it because of not eating for 2 days and then coming to practice. I didn't want to be in those situations, and I didn't know how to get out of them, and it seemed like no one was going to help me. I did the right things for me. And that was never easy for me to do, and I'm glad I finally learned how to stand up for myself without throwing a punch. I walked away because it was the only control I could exercise, though it was most likely the only option I had left. I knew something bad was about to happen. I could feel a physical altercation coming with at least one or two people, and I wouldn't have been the first one to swing. I did the right thing. It's not selfish to want to protect yourself.

I didn't expect that to take so much out of me. But now I'm in the writing zone. Now things are coming pretty easily, and all I have to do is choose something. And boy do I have a lot to choose from.

Not knowing what I want to do with my life is terrifying me, and no matter how many times I say that I am becoming okay with this, I'm not getting there quickly enough. I'm worried that the last several years of my life have been wasted studying things that I will never have to use, which was probably going to be true anyway, but I would at least like to know that my degrees are going to be worth something to me. I'm terrified that I'll never be what I wanted to be. But I hope I don't think that just because that's what everyone expected me to be. I'll come out and fucking say it already, and I've never said this before in my life, and you'll probably never hear me say it again. I'm a genius. I see things and understand things that most people can't. And people have known this since the day I was fucking born, and there has been nothing but pressure on me to be the kind of person that changes the world ever since. People have been filling my head with this shit for my entire life. It's funny because half the world was telling me that I'd be a scumbag and never get out, while the other hald was telling me I'd make it big and never look back. I'm not sure that either is true. I didn't apply to med school because I didn't want to do something I wasn't sure was right for me. I didn't want to devote my life to a career and have no life of my own when I got home at the end of the day. I didn't want to fix people or make them think that they were broken. I wanted to be a very progressive kind of doctor more concerned with preventive medicine and comprehensive care, but that wasn't what people wanted of me, and they made me think that I shouldn't be a doctor because of it. I don't know if I want to be a doctor because I don't know if I could handle being in school for that much longer. I don't know if I could put the rest of my life on hold, not just for school, but for residency, and indefinitely. I don't know if I want my life to be all about that one thing. I'm trying to find a way to do the things I want to do and help the people I want to help. I know I will probably have to go back to school at some point, but I have no idea when or for what, and that's scaring me too. I don't have the answers. But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life in debt and never being able to enjoy anything. I'm even terrified about getting a job. I didn't do so well over the summer with that job. What if I just can't handle having one? Then what do I do? I'm scared of fucking up at whatever I do pick. I've applied to like 20 Pitt and UPMC jobs. And I'm terrified about almost all of them. I don't want to get locked into something I have no intention of pursuing, and I don't want to fuck up at whatever I decide to do. And I hate looking at the list of things that you are supposed to know how to do. What if I suck at whatever it is they think I should know how to do already? And I keep wondering if this recent snafu with Julie is going to prevent me from ever doing research again, if I decide that that's the path I need to take. There are so many things I am interested in. There are so many things that I could potentially make a career out of. How am I supposed to make this choice? I have considered becoming a personal trainer for a little while. My mom thinks I should try that too. I love to perform. I love to teach. I love to help and serve. I love to figure things out and solve problems. I love to create. I have passion for a lot of things. I love organizing things. I don't know why, but I love making lists and schedules and making complicated things easier for people to understand. I have no idea how to sift through all of this. It was easy when I thought I knew what I wanted to do--when I could just dismiss everything else because I already had a plan. But I don't have a plan now. I don't know what the hell is going on. As much as I want things to change in some ways, I'm fucking terrified of this because I will need to find a way to ground myself all over again.

I don't want to graduate with the wrong name on my diploma. But that sentence alone reminds me of something else entirely. I want to be able to be in a functional relationship with someone. It hurts to know that someone doesn't think you are emotionally stable enough. So then maybe you talk about it, and then things are better than they have ever been for about two days, and then shit hits the fan, and you are so paranoid about freaking out that when a situation does arise to cause you to freak out, you are doubly fucked, and then it becomes even worse because the other person isn't quite sure of how to handle you when you get like that. I've been so bummed out about relationship stuff over the last 7 or 8 months, and I just can't make those feelings go away. I'm trying hard not to shut myself off from connecting with people, but I know it's been happening. A part of me wants to stop trying altogether. A part of me believes that I am not the kind of person someone else can be with for an extended period of time. It makes me never want to try again...not that there are many people I've actually been interested in anyway. I need to feel something. And that doesn't happen very often. I will know almost immediately if things could work out. And I hate that. I hate that I can't just go with things and have fun. I could say so much more about this subject, but that's another one of those things I feel I can't really talk about with anyone because, again, everyone knows everyone else, and shit's going to get around somehow.
I think I really am at the what-comes-next point in my life. And I don't know the answer. And it's hurting me. And I am scared and want to cry. But I can't always do that.
I need to make it through these next few weeks. I just need to get out of school. And I am not so sure that I want to start a job immediately after I graduate, which is what everyone wants me to do, and I know it's what I should do because I'm poor as all hell. But I need time to breathe. I'm going to go crazy if I don't have a little time. I'm hoping for part time in the beginning. Maybe that will ease the transition to being a real person.
"Whatever" is a thought that keeps crossing my mind. I keep thinking that I might actually be depressed, but I'm not sure that that makes sense. I get miserable sometimes, but I'm generally alright. But maybe alright isn't good enough. I am scared that people will think that this has something to do with my transition, when I know that that is the only thing that is keeping my head above water sometimes. That's my stabilizing force right now--that and performing. I was able to dive into my thesis for the last few weeks, and that really helped too. I enjoyed learning new things and synthesizing those concepts into something that was on track to be published. But my train got fucking derailed. I just feel like one thing has happened after another to fuck with me, and my reaction might be what is normal. I am supposed to feel upset about things like that. But how do I stop thinking about them. How do I let go of all of this baggage? I'm not sure that I've ever been able to really let go of anything. That's another thing about me that worries me.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm terribly alone because there are things that I wish I could talk about or wish I could share with someone. I miss having that. It's not horrible, but there are those days when I realize that I am alone and probably will be for a while, and it makes me sad. I'm also breathing heavily right now.
I'm at the point where I am scared to be open with some people. And then I end up spilling my guts to people who may not want to hear it.

Random: Apparently, everyone is moving to Portland.

I have met so many people who have literally changed my life all in under a year. And the people I thought were going to be around forever about a year ago are no longer in my life at all. And this is something that I can't quite deal with either. And now I am learning that many of these people that are now so important to me will be leaving too. It's hard not to feel like a loser that's getting left behind.

I also feel weird because I love the people I am living with, and this place really does feel like a home. But I am at the point where I feel like I need a space that is 100 percent mine. I want to create my own home. I want to be able to have this fresh beginning and have a place where I am always in control. I haven't had that in quite a while, and that has probably been contributing to my general state of fucked-upedness. I've found a few good places. There is one that I am really hoping for, but I would need two roommates, and as I said, I don't know if that is an option. I'm scared about living with most people. Three bedroom place in East Liberty for less than 900. And it's a really nice townhouse. The other is the one that I really want. A one bedroom in East Liberty that's 10 minutes walking distance from my gym. And it has exposed brick and hardwood floors and it's just beautiful. 650 a month. I need a job so I can do this. But I feel funny because I'd like to be able to share my home with someone, even visitors, but I am scared that everyone is leaving me. It's completley irrational. And that irritates me too.
I think I could go on forever. I kind of want to because I have nothing better to do, which probably isn't helping me right now. I think there are things that I should be doing, but my brain can't focus on them because it has all of this other shit swarming around up there. I wish there a way to fix that without drugs.
I realized that my legs aren't getting better when I went for a run today. I really need to get this scan and find a new physical therapist. But I want to be able to afford it. Yet anothre reason why I need a job. See job gripes above to understand the vicious nature of this predicament.
I need a new memory card. I am very upset that I cannot find the other one because there are still pictures on it. It has to be with my stuff somewhere.
Not having a desk/bed/level floor also messes with me. But I am way more concerned about getting my name changed than having any of these things. But that whole process seems daunting, and I can't do this by myself. I was upset when they didn't come back with me to work on things last week because I knew that I could potentially freak out, and I wanted someone there to get me out before I could cause damage to myself or my situation. Ugh.
I feel like I am just bitching about things now. I'm stuck in this negative space again and need to find something positive to talk about.
Even with the pain, it felt good to move outside like that. But the pain is unbearable and is preventing me from just GOING.
I need a bike.
So many random thoughts in my head. So much to do. But somehow, thinking about that bike is making me happy.
But then again, I need money.
I know it's time to stop when the thoughts don't form paragraphs anymore.

I Can't Think

I just want to be able to stop moving long enough to figure out my life. I almost lost it completely tonight, and I have no idea why. I remember feeling frustrated, but not for the reasons you might think. Or maybe they had a little bit to do with it after all. Again, I'm not sure. And the uncertainty itself is stressful. I feel like I'm fucking up everything I'm trying to do right now, and now I feel silly about the whole mess because not so long ago a good friend of mine was telling me the same thing, and I know I didn't take her words as seriously as I should have. I didn't pay nearly enough attention to her concerns because she seemed to excel at everything she did, and I just couldn't understand for some reason. Now, I'm about to graduate, and I actually have to produce something. I actually do have to worry about doing the right things and doing them well because the rest of my life is affected by the things that happen in the next several months to a year. I just wish I could focus on the few things that are important to me and not have to worry about this legal matter or that. I don't want to have to worry about being so poor that I can't afford to buy food or medication or get blood tests done. But I know that I have to deal with all of these things, and I don't think I'm doing that very well. And I really don't know how to get help or get out of this. I need to graduate. I need to get through this semester and just not do anything for a while. But that's not an option. And I feel that I'm coming towards a very rough few weeks. I didn't have a good night. I did lose it. But not completely. And maybe if I had I'd be able to start over right now. I still feel like there's something left inside of me that couldn't quite get out.
Am I frustrated because there were things that didn't get resolved that should have? Is it about feeling out of control of a lot of situations? Memories? Probably everything, but I would love to be able to isolate the precipitating factors.

Valentine's Day is coming up. And I'm terrified of how that's going to go for me.
I'm pretty sure I'm jealous of everyone around me. I'm fully aware of how immature this is. It's funny. It's not that people aren't interested in me, but I feel that they are interested in me for the wrong reasons. People see a different person on stage than I am in real life, and not many people realize that. I feel like there is an open gate between my drag persona and me. Sometimes we swap traits with one another, but we're not really the same person. I'm not always that confident, especially in relating to other people. I can definitely talk to other people and have enjoyable conversations, but getting close to people is so fucking hard for me. And I've always been pretty scared of it. It's just that a lot of people who are "interested in me" right now just want to fuck me or get fucked by me, and that's not something that I can do without knowing someone. I've really tried to be that kind of guy who can just take someone home, but it's never going to happen.

I'm not sure that I'm capable of getting close to anyone anymore, at least for the time being. I am now way too self conscious. I'm always the one whose heart gets broken: It's always my fault, something I did or didn't do. That sounds way worse than I actually mean it to. I just mean that I clearly haven't done the right things in the various relationships I've been in, and I'm no closer to figuring it out.
I'm too intimidated to even put myself out there for real. Not many people understand, and I'm fairly certain not many people would want to be with someone like me, and I'm not talking entirely about my gender here. It's all so silly. I wish I could block all of this out of my life and mind. I don't want to have to deal with this now when I have all the other things mentioned above going on. But it's there. It seems like it's always there, and I've been very lonely for several months. How do I fix this? Beats me. So I just keep going hoping things will change one day soon.

I didn't want this post to be about this. I wanted to do something a little more fun for people to read. Instead, it came across as bitching again.

I keep thinking that I might actually be depressed. Sometimes I just get up and don't feel like there's a point. I won't even start something that I really want to do, I'll feel like things that used to be important won't matter anymore. It's like my heart's not in things anymore, but my head knows that it isn't and tries to make sense of it. And I think that contributes to nights like this one. I've just been trying to push through it, but it's really been months. It hit me sometime in October or November after getting me a bit in the late summer. I know a lot of people won't agree with what I'm about to say, but sometimes I think I have a legitimate reason to feel the way I do. Maybe my head's just too fucked up all the time. I don't know. I'm even getting the feeling now that there isn't much of a point in continuing to describe this. I don't really like talking about it, though. This isn't who I am or want to be.

I want the pieces of my life to fit together the right way. They're all over the floor right now, and I'm getting really frustrated with having to jam them into places they don't fit.

And now for some reason I just want to be able to cry. No idea why. It just seems appropriate. Of course, that's not as easy as it used to be.

I feel really lost. I need a direction. There are a few things in my life that give me direction for brief moments, little tasks with finite end points and specific goals. But the whole thing's a fucking mess. I don't know how to manage it. Everything is way too different for me now, and I never had time to figure it all out and adjust to it, and it's just going to keep changing and keep fucking with me until I refuse to deal with any of it anymore and lock myself away for good.

What the fuck? Really.

I just want to run.

I miss having someone waiting for me when I get home. I'm worried about what people with think when they read that. At this point, I've stopped caring. Downward spiral much?

I can't relax. I can't recharge. I'm really fucked. I need help. Please.

Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to remind me that I'm really just sitting in the same place I've always been.

Every time any little thing happens around me tonight, I want to pound my fists into the ground and scream. People sneezing, other unexpected noises, etc. But I keep everything in. And I feel like I'm doing this all the time some days, and it's all just to keep other people happy and keep them from thinking I'm some sort of fuck up or freak. Why do I do this? I do it because I don't want to be lonely anymore, and I want to be out there in the real world with real people, but the way my head is right now, that's not possible. This cycle is going to kill me.

Maybe this will never change. Maybe this is as good as it gets. I said that to a good friend of mine about a completely unrelated issue of his. Maybe I have to turn that back on myself. Maybe I have reached the highest point. I've come to accept a lot of things about myself, but I've always believed that there was hope for things to get even better, and that is what has pushed me forward in most cases. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm typing things and not fully understanding why. The words are just coming out and sounding right, and there's nothing more to it. I can't get away right now. There's nowhere I can go and nothing I can do. And I've felt like this for months as I've hopped around from place to place without feeling like I really belong anywhere. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just visiting. I WANT TO GO HOME. I just want to go home.

And I don't want to stop typing right now because that means I'm faced with nothingness again. Actually, that doesn't make any sense. It just means that I have to deal with my own brain and my thoughts without any way at all to filter them out. At least typing gets me to focus only on the things that I need to put into words. I can't do that with talking right now. And maybe I actually still am thinking about way too many things because sometimes the words really don't make any sense. I feel helpless. And useless. And I hate it.

Fuck.

Out with the Old

I'm feeling really funny tonight, and I wish I could more succinctly describe it than I'm about to. Most of my friends aren't going to have anything to do with me tonight. I'm not even that surprised about it because I feel like this has been building up for a while. In addition, I keep thinking about things that happened about 3 months ago and all of the people that are no longer in my life--people I really cared about and assumed felt the same way about me. I just can't believe that not a single person cared enough to say something or to even attempt to make me feel like they thought I was a real person. Maybe I actually fear that there were people who understood what happened and why I made my decision but they just weren't strong enough to speak out against the mob mentality that had begun to reign over the entire group. I hate when I have to question more than four years worth of memories. Was any of it real? Where are my friends now? Where were they when I really needed them--when I had all but lost my own family, was afraid of being murdered, was afraid to go home at night, was having meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day, and was afraid to even mention it to them because I didn't want to have them make me feel like the problem child? I hated being treated like a nuisance and I hated causing problems for people that were supposedly doing so much for me. But I started to question things. I'm a pretty perceptive person, despite some deficiencies. In fact, I make up for those by being very, very good in other areas. I won't say which ones because those of you that care will know what I mean anyway. It also helped to have eyes and ears "on the inside". I guess I knew it had been going on with certain people for a long time. I'd heard it from multiple people, but I never expected to catch the person I did, and on a night like that, that was the last thing I needed. That was one of the most crushing things I have ever felt. I felt every little fiber of my heart being ripped apart over and over again. And I was seriously depressed for a long time, and I don't think I'm completely over all of that yet, but it sent me on a pretty awful spiral. I lost a little over 10 pounds in a few weeks, partly because I didn't feel like eating and partly because sometimes I just couldn't afford to anyway. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I guess I'm just feeling really frustrated, and I wanted to get this all out tonight. The year is almost over, and I'm going to have to leave things behind again. But I hate feeling like I have to leave behind all the good things and happy memories because I can't be sure if they were real. I can't be sure if a certain person was being genuine in helping me out all the times he did. I really don't know anymore. He was the person that made me want to stick around the most this year. He was my connection to the rest of them--the one who had known me longer than the rest. I got through some of the shit other people were saying about me because of him, and he made me feel like it didn't even matter because there were far more people who didn't see me that way. But now I'm not sure that that was true, and I'm not sure that he even gave a fuck about me. Maybe he was just doing his job, keeping the peace. How do I tell? I know I'm going to lose them all forever. I don't want that. But I don't see any other way at this point. I need to proceed this way because it's going to happen again, and some other kid's going to get their heart ripped out. I'm seeing the signs already, and I don't like where things are going for some of the others. What do I tell this trans bass drummer from up north when he asks me about joining the line? Think about that one.
I'm queer. And I'm out. This is something I've been struggling with for a while now, and the whole thing gets me absolutely livid. People don't have a problem with gay people. A lot of people say there is no problem at all as long as they don't "act gay". Well, what does that mean? It really means that they are exhibiting atypical gender behaviors. People don't have an issue with sexual orientation. The real problem is deviance from expectations of gender. If a man displays typically feminine characteristics or interests, people take issue and violence can ensue. If a woman does not, she is invisible, ridiculed, not real. It disgusts me to know that had I just been a "normal" guy and kept quiet about my queer life and interests, I wouldn't have been mocked, harassed, and humiliated like that.
I need to start getting ready for tonight. Hopefully, I will be in a better mood later on, but many of the people who could have cheered me up this time last year aren't going to be anywhere near me tonight or any time soon, it seems. Maybe some of them--perhaps most of them--are gone forever too. But I have found new friends in places I would never have expected. In fact, I was sure that I would not like one of them at all, never having had a real conversation. But that just goes to show you that you really can't rely on first impressions. That's a problem that I've faced before too. I'm not always the easiest person to get. I may not say a lot or may seem disinterested, but I'm probably just overwhelmed and thinking way too hard about the whole interaction. I'm not shy, in reality. If you get to the real me--if you can get past all of that other shit--I'm very friendly and love talking to people. And more than anything, I love to make people laugh. I am the ice breaker, and that's often at my own expense. If I can make it easier for the whole group to interact, I will gladly strip myself of my dignity. But you should be aware that this does not give anyone else that right.
Alrighty. Pushups, then clothes, then to the party.

3:11 Just Happened.

I don't like feeling as far apart from you as I do right now. You're more than one person, in more than one place. But I think things are going to be okay. I have to start accepting that people come into and out of your life all the time. I just can't believe that we hardly ever see each other anymore. We spent so much of the last several years together. My friend is gone. Maybe things are just different. I wish I could make sense of this, of all these other relationships that keep happening around me. I think it's all starting to, but it's tough. Maybe this is because I haven't really been outside of a relationship for an extended period of time since early in high school. I never knew your heart could break this many times and still keep going. It's kind of incredible, and it might be weird, but that makes me smile.
I think it's time to nap.

Here We Go Again (EDITED)

And I was going to look back through my phone to see the parts of that conversation that were important. But my phone is pretty crunchy right now. Do I really need to start putting stickers on things? I hope this will never happen again. I guess it's clear to me that my family is the only thing that affects me this badly. I've even tried to explain that fact to them, and they just laugh at me. They pretend this doesn't exist too, just like almost everything else about me. I know I really shouldn't have answered the phone. But I was feeling so pressured because it was the third call of the day, and we were at about three emails as well. The first one really made it sound like things were going to be better. And I fell for it. But when he answered the phone and greeted me in the same old way, I knew things were about to get bad, and I knew I should have just hung up right then. But I let it go for a minute and tried to catch him right there and explain that it wasn't okay and that I didn't think he really understood. And then there was screaming. And then I just hung up. But then there were more messages, and then I just couldn't let one of them go. I wanted to at least right one thing. And I think that was my bigger mistake. I can't let things go. I can't let things like this sit in uncertainty. So I tried again. I always try to make peace. I always try to make everyone happy. I always want that perfect ending. I guess I have to realize that it just isn't going to happen for me. They're never going to love me. They're never going to want ME in their life. They want someone else. They want to ignore me. And I can't do that. No self-respecting individual would. Tonight made me realize that this is the way it has to be until I can hear those words and believe them: "Dylan, I'm sorry." What I got tonight: "Elise, what the fuck is your problem? What's wrong with you? What the hell did we do to deserve this? Etc. Etc."
It's the same old story on that end. And it's about to be the same old story on another one too, unless I can somehow prove that it won't happen again. You mean too much to me to let this get in the way. I don't want to be something you can't handle.

I'm doing it for real this time, and nothing they can say, other than what I noted above, is going to change my mind. I won't be able to deal with it otherwise. And I shouldn't have to.

I love you. Please don't give up on me.

This was just a roadblock.

I don't want this to change your mind, especially after the conversation we had the other day. It was one of the best and most honest I've had in a while, and I don't think I've ever been able to say things like that to anyone else. I feel so completely comfortable around you. I still want 'us' to happen.

But I still understand your concerns.

I was doing REALLY well, especially today. Maybe that's why I thought I could handle that phone conversation. Maybe that's why I thought it would change things.

Thank you for telling me to hang up tonight. It was the right thing to do.

I can control myself. You've been right this whole time. I do have the ability to do that. You see that part of me every day. I can be like that more often than I am. And that's what I've been working on. I also have been working on a way to let people know when it's happening and to let them know that it is absolutely okay to leave me alone, and it's sometimes better that way.
The drama is going to stop soon. I'm going to make sure of it. That's been part of this whole plan I've been working on.

That solution might be to take a semester off, which I guess would equate to taking a year off since the only classes I absolutely need are offered in the spring term only. But that would give me a chance to work and raise enough money to take those few classes that I do need. It's not ideal. But we have to work with what we have, and right now, I can't afford to graduate in the spring. This is my reality, and I am okay with it.
I'm constantly surprised by what I actually can live with.
I do need to finish this semester, however.
I am getting help from SJ on Saturday to get my shit out of Greenfield.

Things actually are coming together for me. And it's awesome. And I don't want you to think that tonight is an indication of the way things will be in any way.

Even the things I still have left to do tonight, I'll be able to do now. That's pretty ridiculous. I never would have been able to focus on work after something like that before. But now, I'm ready to go do more laundry and read some chapters in this book. And that makes me really happy.

It ALWAYS looks worse than it really is.
You never have to worry about my hurting anyone, including myself.

I was going a year plus without problems. I see no reason why that can't happen again. And those were pretty stressful times as well.


I'm serious about not letting this get in the way of anything. And I'm willing to do pretty much anything to make sure it doesn't. I just want you to trust me about that. If you can offer me that, I know it'll be a lot better off.
If you can believe that I am capable, then it just helps me out that much more. I don't want to feel like you think I can't do this. I can.

Give me some time to show you that this isn't what it's going to be like.

You're on my mind a lot.
You make me smile.

Please let me know when I am doing stupid things. Don't let me get away with it.
Hold me accountable.