Out with the Old

I'm feeling really funny tonight, and I wish I could more succinctly describe it than I'm about to. Most of my friends aren't going to have anything to do with me tonight. I'm not even that surprised about it because I feel like this has been building up for a while. In addition, I keep thinking about things that happened about 3 months ago and all of the people that are no longer in my life--people I really cared about and assumed felt the same way about me. I just can't believe that not a single person cared enough to say something or to even attempt to make me feel like they thought I was a real person. Maybe I actually fear that there were people who understood what happened and why I made my decision but they just weren't strong enough to speak out against the mob mentality that had begun to reign over the entire group. I hate when I have to question more than four years worth of memories. Was any of it real? Where are my friends now? Where were they when I really needed them--when I had all but lost my own family, was afraid of being murdered, was afraid to go home at night, was having meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day, and was afraid to even mention it to them because I didn't want to have them make me feel like the problem child? I hated being treated like a nuisance and I hated causing problems for people that were supposedly doing so much for me. But I started to question things. I'm a pretty perceptive person, despite some deficiencies. In fact, I make up for those by being very, very good in other areas. I won't say which ones because those of you that care will know what I mean anyway. It also helped to have eyes and ears "on the inside". I guess I knew it had been going on with certain people for a long time. I'd heard it from multiple people, but I never expected to catch the person I did, and on a night like that, that was the last thing I needed. That was one of the most crushing things I have ever felt. I felt every little fiber of my heart being ripped apart over and over again. And I was seriously depressed for a long time, and I don't think I'm completely over all of that yet, but it sent me on a pretty awful spiral. I lost a little over 10 pounds in a few weeks, partly because I didn't feel like eating and partly because sometimes I just couldn't afford to anyway. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I guess I'm just feeling really frustrated, and I wanted to get this all out tonight. The year is almost over, and I'm going to have to leave things behind again. But I hate feeling like I have to leave behind all the good things and happy memories because I can't be sure if they were real. I can't be sure if a certain person was being genuine in helping me out all the times he did. I really don't know anymore. He was the person that made me want to stick around the most this year. He was my connection to the rest of them--the one who had known me longer than the rest. I got through some of the shit other people were saying about me because of him, and he made me feel like it didn't even matter because there were far more people who didn't see me that way. But now I'm not sure that that was true, and I'm not sure that he even gave a fuck about me. Maybe he was just doing his job, keeping the peace. How do I tell? I know I'm going to lose them all forever. I don't want that. But I don't see any other way at this point. I need to proceed this way because it's going to happen again, and some other kid's going to get their heart ripped out. I'm seeing the signs already, and I don't like where things are going for some of the others. What do I tell this trans bass drummer from up north when he asks me about joining the line? Think about that one.
I'm queer. And I'm out. This is something I've been struggling with for a while now, and the whole thing gets me absolutely livid. People don't have a problem with gay people. A lot of people say there is no problem at all as long as they don't "act gay". Well, what does that mean? It really means that they are exhibiting atypical gender behaviors. People don't have an issue with sexual orientation. The real problem is deviance from expectations of gender. If a man displays typically feminine characteristics or interests, people take issue and violence can ensue. If a woman does not, she is invisible, ridiculed, not real. It disgusts me to know that had I just been a "normal" guy and kept quiet about my queer life and interests, I wouldn't have been mocked, harassed, and humiliated like that.
I need to start getting ready for tonight. Hopefully, I will be in a better mood later on, but many of the people who could have cheered me up this time last year aren't going to be anywhere near me tonight or any time soon, it seems. Maybe some of them--perhaps most of them--are gone forever too. But I have found new friends in places I would never have expected. In fact, I was sure that I would not like one of them at all, never having had a real conversation. But that just goes to show you that you really can't rely on first impressions. That's a problem that I've faced before too. I'm not always the easiest person to get. I may not say a lot or may seem disinterested, but I'm probably just overwhelmed and thinking way too hard about the whole interaction. I'm not shy, in reality. If you get to the real me--if you can get past all of that other shit--I'm very friendly and love talking to people. And more than anything, I love to make people laugh. I am the ice breaker, and that's often at my own expense. If I can make it easier for the whole group to interact, I will gladly strip myself of my dignity. But you should be aware that this does not give anyone else that right.
Alrighty. Pushups, then clothes, then to the party.