Thursday, April 25, 2013

Instead of trying to avoid how i feel by playing mindless games, let me try to wrtie aboutnmy feelings while i am actually experiencing them. Im upset. I have been driven to the edge several times today, about to explode from the frustration and then rage building inside. I am incapable of accessing parts of my own emotional experience. But it is not as if i am not trying. Resources are still being allocated to that project while i am trying to go about my day, and my head cannot keep up with everything. And when something happens to add to my emotional frustration, even if the experience isnt particularly emotional, everything that is in the corners of my mind gets brought to the front. It seems i have to always feel everything at once before it can all be sorted out, like dumping s box of legos on the table. I am never really able to come back to my center or stay there for very long. Right now, i feel the need to do everything but i just cant seem to do anything. Fear or lack of motivation will inhibit me, and i often dont even know what it is i fear or think i cannot do. I dont always know what is going on inside, and it bothers me when people think i am lying to them when i give this answer or that there must be something more to it. There probably is, but your guess is often as good as mine.

I think i might be afraid that i will let myself fall into bad habits again. I might be afraid that i wont function very well and that people will just let me fall deeper and deeper into that trap until i have to come back again. I KNOW that i can. But i FEEL like i cannot. I am starting to dwell on everything.

Maybe i dont want to see other people fall into bad habits as well. I am once again unable to finish because i cannot find a quiet place to be alone ever. That is something that makes me angry and i know it really shouldnt. I cannot control how i feel and i almost feel like i should not have to every second of every day.

I need time away from distractions. I need time to just exist and not have to constantly worry about fulfilling someone else's expectations. I cannot live my life for someone else if i have not chosen that person. It is not that i am stubborn or that i lack the will. I just cannot do it.

I need to be Able to do something that fulfills me. Gives me a reason.
And i am doing what i need to do to get there. But things move so slowly. It almost feels like they are moving backwards at times.

I want to be able to sat everything i want. But now i know i cant, and i feel like that bothers me too. I might need to start fresh. Maybe this outlet has outlived its usefulness.

That statement really has me thinking now.
i need a cabin in the woods somewhere.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Something else about nationals.

"i feel like i really made an impression on people. and i learned something myself. what i got out of this was way more important than winning. in fact, winning may have even overshadowed how important this lesson was for me to learn, so maybe there is a reason for the way things turned out."

Things That Are Making Me Happy

Today, my mother and I were talking about my job opportunity in Pittsburgh, and she told me that I might as well take classes while I am working as a CNA because they are always looking for male nurses. And she didn't think twice about saying that, with no tone of awkwardness in her voice.

Out of the many truly spectacular comments I got at nationals, one of my favorites was this: "You could enter a real boy pageant. And win. Everything about you just reads nothing but 'man.'"

Another was "I have NEVER seen anything like that before. Please keep doing what you are doing."

Even though I feel like I am not ready at all to move and that I will miss everyone and won't be able to handle it, I may be going back to Pittsburgh very, very soon. An opportunity has come my way, and I am not afraid. I know I can handle this. I handled nationals when I thought I could not. And I know I can handle this. This thing called my life.

There are SO MANY things to do.

DC pride? Big drag king beach tour? Judging pageants now?
Grad school?

The best response ever to my request for a letter of recommendation: "Boom!! That's fucking awesome!"

I think things are starting to align. And the only thing that had to change was my confidence level. Everything may be exactly the same, but it all feels new and different.

I might actually be looking forward to some part of my life and not feeling overwhelmed.

This is going to be a great summer. FINALLY.