Confusion and Frustration

It's hard to tell the difference between confusion and frustration.

Out of all the things written on both the front and back of that page, this was the only thing I felt comfortable sharing. I'm writing things that I feel that I can't tell anyone right now because I'm not quite prepared for what might happen if I do share them. I'm not sure that I even have the desire to share them. To be honest, I wish I could erase a lot of what's going on in my head because it gets annoying to have to deal with myself all the time, but there is another part of me that wants to hold on. Perhaps the latter part is more worried about losing himself in the process. And I'm finding it difficult to manage my own affairs when my head isn't quite where it should be. Who knows? Maybe it is exactly where it should be and I just haven't figured out how to adjust to it yet. That's certainly more likely given my history, but how do I know what's what? It's another one of those ridiculous and almost pointless questions about what is real and what isn't, and I've never put too much faith into answering questions like that because I feel that an individual's opinion fluctuates based upon his circumstances. As much as drastic change completely fucks with me, I think it's time for something moderately uprooting. I'm not quite ready to leave this place yet, and recent events have made me consider the possibility that I may never be, but I have come to the conclusion that I really just need school to be over for the time being. My life is a mess financially and potentially otherwise, and school truly is the least important thing I have to deal with now. But it has always been the most stable element in my life. That's all I've ever really done, and it'll be nice to see how I operate without having to answer to anyone else for a little while. I've been under pressure to be and do something--anything--for my entire life, and I want to see what it is like to not have that be a factor. I fear that I'll enjoy that too much to want to return to academia, but another part of me believes that I'll get bored and feel unproductive after a certain amount of time. Maybe something in between will happen.
It'd be nice to be able to focus on one idea long enough to figure out the best solution. But maybe now's not the time for that. I've been working on that one for a little while--the not having all the answers thing. I don't know. I've been saying that a lot recently, and I hate feeling that way, and the worst of it is that everyone wants to make sure you DO feel that way when you say those three magic words. I'm not surprised that I don't know what to do. That's easier to deal with than not knowing what you want, which is unfortunately where I am right now. I keep thinking in circles, and it's very frustrating because I know that there isn't anything I can do to make the answers come to me any faster. I just have to keep going to figure it out, just like with performances of mine. I just keep listening. I just keep letting the pictures play in my head. And then it happens. I would just like to feel like I have more control sometimes. Maybe, like with drag performances, I have much more control than I think I do.

I don't want to be the annoying person that I feel like I'm being when I write things like this, but what else is this supposed to be for? It's hard to be creative these days because sometimes I feel that the stress that used to fuel my writing has become so amplified by the dramatic changes that have occurred over the past several months that it completely inhibits my ability to work effectively. I know how it happened, whether or not I fully understand why, and I'm still working on getting back to what I consider normal, but I know that I might be the one preventing myself from getting there. Time is a stupid son of a bitch, but it is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once, so I can't be too upset with it.

Maybe I just need to be home. I've been out of the loop for about two weeks now. It's interesting what that amount of time alone with yourself can do to you, especially when your body is in that much pain. You'll lose yourself in whatever thoughts happen to come your way just to escape your body for a little while, and that can lead you to some places you didn't really want to go. Speculation can be the enemy, and it usually is for me. I do a lot better when I'm just not thinking about it, whatever it may be. I lost where I was going with this, which means I really do need to get out of my own head soon. That particular phrase always reminds me of one person and one specific incident that fucked me over early this summer, and thinking of him makes me think of a whole mess of other people, and then you see the split-second chain reaction that drags me back down. Everything has all of these other associations tied to it, and nothing exists by itself. I have a problem believing people when they try to convince me otherwise. I don't have the luxury of oversimplification, so I'm sorry if I can find all of the pieces you've tried to hide under the rug.

I'm pretty sure I smell terrible right now.

I like making lists.

Out.