I pulled an all-nighter working on a queer linguistics project that I really should have been working on all semester. It's a shame that I hadn't started sooner because it's pretty interesting shit.
I came to the realization last night, after sitting on my front porch in the early hours of the morning and crying to myself yet again, that I am indeed as profoundly depressed as I never wanted to admit. I wanted to run back home. I just wanted everything and everyone to stop, and that was the closest alternative to the last remaining unforgivable action in my mind. That doesn't mean I didn't look up how much I needed to take in order to do it and sit there staring at it for hours.
It's hard to describe when you're not in the middle of it. You just get tired of getting up in the morning. You can't feel anything but pain, and all the good things in your life are irrelevant because the pain won't let you feel anything else.
I've been going through the motions and feel like I just don't want anything anymore. I've lost everything. And somehow things and people still find ways to hurt me. I know it isn't true, but I feel like I have nothing. And I don't want anything. I just want it all to stop. I haven't been okay since October or November, really. But it's only been getting worse in the last few weeks.
I can't be anything other than what I am. For better or worse. I knew more of what that meant for me last night than I do right now.
It's finally beaten me. I hit the lowest point of my entire life last night. And nothing really even happened. I guess everything finally hit me. I think in the moments when I finally decide to stop letting people and things hurt me, that's when the real pain begins. Sometimes I want to be numb again.
I'm going to get help. But so much of me doesn't care or think it will matter. So much of me believes that I've never really been okay at any point in my life and that isn't about to change any time soon.
I always feel so alone. But maybe I always have.
I'm not sure anymore.
I'm scared.
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end of the semester stress magnifies all sorts of shit we'd been too busy during the semester to properly asses and deal with.
ReplyDeleteconcentrated sun rays+strength of the magnification=heaping pile of shit in flames... :/
i am relieved to hear that despite your lack of enthusiasm and hope that "help" will "help" you you're going to try it anyway.it's ok to feel alone and scared_those are trigger feelings that let us know when to get help...glad you aren't ignoring them
I agree that Finals week always magnifies everything. It seems like you've got a few possibilities lined up for the future, so take a deep breath and try your darnedest to power through these last couple of days... knowing that it will end. Next week, you can wig out all you want.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking of you and trying to send positive thoughts your way...
"I think in the moments when I finally decide to stop letting people and things hurt me, that's when the real pain begins. Sometimes I want to be numb again."
ReplyDeleteI can completly relate to that, please know that you are not alone in how you feel, we all may feel alone but there are always people there who are feeling how we are and those who love and care about us.