I am getting very tired of having more bad days than good. I'm also just tired. I haven't been able to eat even half of what I am supposed to on a daily basis, partly from lack of appetite and partly from not having food. I feel out of it all the time, and I sleep a good 16 hours a day at least. I've thought about doing some pretty stupid things, none of which are worth the time to repeat here. I have been anxious and in meltdown mode for a week straight. Anything and everything can set me off, and I don't like the person I become when that happens. Nothing is working anymore. I may have a job again in a few months if I can figure out how to be a normal person. I'm still not sure what "taking a break" means. I'm fired but not fired? It's not as if it makes much of a difference. My last paycheck wasn't even for 100 dollars.
We are apparently going to a food bank this week.
I almost started drinking maple syrup this evening.
I was told that there are some people at the DoD who are impressed with my resume. But I've been told that before, so I'm not expecting much to come out of it. Even if it did, given my history, I would probably fail at that too. Whatever it is.
I've already learned that I am just not capable of doing anything I have ever wanted to do, which is probably why no one wants to give me the chance. Maybe they all see something I haven't been able to see until now.
A normal person would take some menial job and just deal with it. But we already know what happens to me when I have to work in a customer service environment. I'd be okay with it if I could spend less than three hours trying to get myself out of bed because I am freaking out about whether I need to shower or eat first.
I feel like everything in my life is getting really out of control.
I really don't understand how this always happens or what I can do.
Am I just not capable of doing this? Of living and functioning like everyone else? Of doing what I need to do and being happy? I am starting to believe it more and more.
There really is no way out. And I don't want to live with that.
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F*ck normal.
ReplyDeleteFood for [future] thought: I wonder what the differences are between performing drag and performing in the workplace. Are there drag/stage skills you could leverage to make the work day a tiny bit more tolerable?
Do you have health insurance right now? If not, can you get yourself to a therapist's office that will accept sliding scale? When I've had weeks like this (yes, I've had weeks like this, just without the financial burden), after I can summon enough energy to get out of the house without melting down, I get my butt to a therapist/counselor/mentor/etc. to brainstorm ways to move forward. Granted, that's usually at the point when I can pretend everything is okay, but it still helps. Writing is good; brainstorming and concrete planning with another person is even better.
You can do this. Of that I have no doubt.
Love you,
~B.