Three Weeks

We've been apart for three weeks, though it feels more like it has been three months. Every day feels harder than the last, which is the opposite of what I expected. I think we're both hoping for a financial miracle so we can move forward the way we want to before September. We don't even really have the money to visit each other. The weekends have been the hardest for me. I feel very confused about the situation I am in with Food Stamps, Medicaid, and Social Security. I'm trying not to think about that because I can't really solve that until Monday anyway.

There was a point today where I fell back into believing that I wasn't going to be able to do this. But it lasted all of 5 minutes--10 at the most. Things really are changing. And that makes me so happy. I can't wait to apply these skills in a life situation that's a little less depressing. Hopefully, we won't have to wait too long. In the meantime, I'll keep working on it.

I don't know what to do with myself at the moment. It's late, but thanks to another accidental nap, I'm wide awake. I wish there were someone to talk to. That's what's difficult most of the time. I take care of the business I need to take care of, go to the gym, have started working, and that's it. I haven't gone out to do anything here, mostly because I don't know anyone anymore and because I don't believe going to a bar alone--or even at all right now--is in my best interest. I'm definitely lonely, but it gives me a lot of time to think, which is sometimes good and sometimes not.

It's weird how much I crave to be around other people now. I'm not really concerned about how uncomfortable it could be. I just want to feel like I am part of something again. I feel like I want to cry. That may happen at some point tonight, but it has been a few days since the last occurrence, so that's some progress, I suppose.

When we talked about how we plan to solve this, I felt relieved. I felt hopeful. I think we both learned that we really do want the same thing, and we're both willing to work to get it. We're both really struggling right now in a lot of ways. But I think it's going to be okay. I know it won't be long until we can put this behind us. I'll never forget the lessons I have learned these past few weeks. The same can be said for the ones I know I will learn in the coming weeks. But I'm ready for this chapter to end already.

It's still really hard to focus a lot of the time, but not impossible. I don't know whether that has more to do with how much I miss him or the fact that I haven't been on Ritalin in about a month. I'm still really hesitant about any medication at this time because I want to see what I am capable of accomplishing on my own now that my mind is so much clearer. I've learned in these three weeks that being strong for yourself is so much harder than being helpless and miserable all the time. It's so much harder to believe that you are in charge of your own destiny. Compared to this, it was easy to feel disabled and incapable. I could relinquish responsibility. But in doing that, I also gave up the most important parts of myself. Even though this is more difficult than I ever imagined it could be--okay, maybe it is exactly as difficult as I thought because, let's face it, I knew how much this would suck before I ever left Pittsburgh--I would choose this over and over again. I CAN choose this, and that's what is so liberating. I can choose to take control of my situation. I'm ready for what comes next. And I will try not to worry about things I can't control.