Old Feelings

RetailI still don't have a computer, so I suppose typing on my phone while my fiancé tries to sleep off yet another debilitating migraine--a more-than-daily occurrence for the last several months that has dramatically disrupted our lives--will suffice. 

We've been in our new home for two weeks. It doesn't feel like it's been that long, but being sick for a few days and then randomly facing a bout of depression that causes you to sleep for another two might be to blame. Anyway, I'm learning more and more that dichotomous emotions can exist in one person at the exact same time. On the one hand, I feel a multitude of positive emotions related to this move. We are in our new home at last, after all that we have been through both together and separately over the last few months. We are making the place our own. It's the first place that's really felt like home since Dawson. I forgot how long ago that really was. But the feeling of comfort seems to come and go, and it has nothing to do with the actual house at all.

I may be in a new place, but I have to face the same problems I did before. And I don't often feel like i have any new tools with which to face them. I still feel so stuck. Useless. I feel like I will never be anything more. Like I'll never get the chance to be or do what I really want. And I'm afraid that, as more time passes, those fears become more legitimate. I thought that coming here would bring me more opportunities, which is what I always think when I move to a completely new place, or even relatively new. Things seemed promising at first. But nothing but rejection, again. 

So where do I stand exactly? My bank account is almost 800 dollars overdrawn, I haven't worked in my field since college, the jobs I have had have mostly been retail jobs where I've worked part-time for barely above minimum wage, my Sallie Mae loans are still in default, and with all of this, it seems pretty unlikely that I could ever go back to school or get a better job to even attempt to work on going back to school. People tell me to just keep trying, but obviously that hasn't been working. I still want to know at what point it makes more sense to just give up. It's hard not to be depressed, especially when you add to that that I have almost no friends of my own down here and that it's still almost impossible for me to get around at all, let alone on my own time. Sometimes it would be nice to just be able to get to the store or to the gym without each one having to be an all day adventure. 

I stil feel very much lost. I feel like I have no direction, and I have no idea what to do to fix anything or to feel better. 

I feel like my lack of control in its various forms is what really makes me feel so horrible. And, being me, I obsess about it. I can't tell you how many hours of the day at least one of those things is on my mind. Usually, one thought just leads to another...in the span of about twenty seconds. Put on repeat for the rest of the day. 

Today hasn't been as bad as the last few days, but I'm still struggling because of feeling stuck. But I suppose I feel good for now and somewhat hopeful, and I consider that a blessing. 

I worry that I'm just that type of person that can't be helped. I mean, I know the things that tend to make me feel better, but I don't always have the ability to do them when I want or need to, which only worsens the situation. I don't know how to be okay with not being in control of anything. I feel like things will continue to deteriorate if I don't figure this out soon.

But there I go again, always obsessing over the negative and forgetting about the positive altogether. I'm unbelievably happy that we have this beautiful new place with our puppies. We have nice furniture and a decent backyard. We have enough room for everything and then some. We are able to fall asleep next to one another every night. I promised before that I would never take this for granted again. And I am not. But there is a difference between what you have with another person and what you have with yourself. And both are important to me. Without one, I'm not a complete person. 

I recognize all that is going on. But there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to control the way I feel. I can only control my behavior and to some extent my thoughts. But the gut feelings that give rise to those thoughts are pretty potent, and they aren't easily extinguished. They don't even need words to do the damage that they do. 

There's always more to be said, even if it is the same thing over and over again. But someone important needs me right now, and that will always take precedence over my own self-loathing, if that's even an appropriate term to use anymore. I actually like myself. But apparently not many others see what I am worth, unless I'm completely wrong about that too. Here's to hoping I'll figure something out soon.