Pride

Even though I have some answers, they may not be answers at all, and the very worst is still a possibility. I hate everything about the way I look and feel these days, and I can't do anything I enjoy. I'm missing out on Pride. I've spent so much time just lying here doing nothing, and I hate every minute of it. But I can't function like this, so most things are off limits. I felt hopeful for a day or so. I guess that counts for something.

I don't know what to do. I wonder how few people who have stayed in my life have managed not to walk away. On top of everything, I feel like that is only a matter of time. It'll happen when they can't tolerate any more from me. It's almost happened so many times. I'm always afraid that next time, there won't be a next time. I have to struggle to hide everything even more knowing this. 

I've been trying to get myself out of this mental trap for so long. I get pretty close sometimes, but I know the only thing that will fix it to the point where I can function and be happy again will be getting rid of this pain and these limitations. If you think that's a stretch of that I can just learn to be happy without any of the things that give meaning to my life, then you don't know that much about me, it seems. 

I feel so different. The world feels different now that I am this way, like we aren't meant for one another. Nothing is comfortable, physically or otherwise. 

I'm having trouble saying it all. Sometimes familiar words and phrases are easier, even if they don't quite fit what's happening. 

Happy pride, everyone. This is what mine looks like. This is what my entire life looks like. And being strong is not easy anymore.