Wednesday, June 20, 2018


I got halfway across the parking lot trying to get to the gym today. I broke down crying. Then I tried an hour later, and it happened again. Even though I have my medicine again, my anxiety has been worsening for weeks. I don't know how to fix this. It hasn't ever been bad enough to do this to me on my way to the gym. That's usually the one thing that can save me from episodes like this, and now I'm not sure what to do to fix things. I can't even stop my whole body from shaking right now. I want to tell myself that it's okay to not be okay, that I should stay home tonight and try to take care of myself so that I might be able to avoid this tomorrow. But what if I can't? I know I shouldn't be thinking like that, but if you can tell me how to prevent my brain from doing what it always does, you're much better at this life thing than I am. I already feel like most people are. Maybe they're just better at hiding it than I am.

I want this to stop. I hate this. I don't even have much to say, but I needed to do something to keep myself from screaming and waking my fiance. I want to run away, but I have nowhere to go. I may try one more time tonight, but even that thought is making things worse. I've already failed twice, and I can't get it out of my head. I can't stop the physical feelings, which are just making the screaming inside my head worse. How do other people do this?

For the longest time, I had no idea that people didn't deal with these overwhelming feelings of anxiety. With constantly feeling on the edge, terrified, and overloaded. I've never NOT been this way. I understand neurotypical people about as much as they understand me.

If I can't go, things will just get worse. I know I won't be able to handle this right now, so that means they are going to. I need to figure out something to do. I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from screaming, and that's even more terrifying.

I want to keep writing, but I have nothing.

I'll never be able to overcome this. This will always be a part of me. And I feel like I'm destined to fail at everything because of it.

I'm surprised I'm even still here.

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