My break officially began with the completion of my Physics homework on Friday night, around 11 pm, though my mind seemed to have wandered off several days prior. The entire week meant nothing in itself; it only had meaning in that it preceded one of the most intense, exciting, and emotionally fulfilling sporting events I have ever experienced: UCONN versus Pitt. Even when my arms seemed as if they were going to fall off--even when I repeatedly smashed my knuckle on the rim of the bass drum, causing myself ridiculous physical pain each time--I kept going with more force than I thought I had remaining. Two of our alumni drummers were present, but they did not interfere or even ask to play. They knew that this time had been ours--that this game and the energy we supplied to the team and the fans could not and should not have been taken from us. Experiences like this weekend's epic basketball game are what make drumming for an audience so fulfilling. These kinds of experiences capture the desire that is the essence of performance. And now it's tournament time, and I absolutely cannot wait.
I remember talking about meaning with someone the other day, and since Ive been bogged down with physical illness for the past few days, I decided to rummage through my writings from freshman year.
April 21, 2007:
"Meaning. I talked about meaning before. The meaning of life could be anything. It could be exceedingly complicated or childishly simple--perhaps so simple that there is no meaning whatsoever. If there is meaning to my life, I wonder what that is. Things are much simpler when you believe that there is no inherent purpose to any individual's life. But Occam's Razor is a scientific principle; people don't like accepting the no-meaning theory because they think it conflicts with their religious views. I don't think it does, though.
Perhaps God didn't create us with specific plans for the respective meanings our lives were to take on. Perhaps he created us so that we would determine it ourselves--make meaning for our lives based upon our actions. In that case, meaning is whatever we want it to be. It seems similar to the process of cell differentiation: We are born with all the options in the world open to us. We can be anything or do anything we want. There are infinite possibilities in life and therefore infinite possibilities for meaning. But things happen in our lives that restrict who we are by restricting what we experience. We are limited in what we can become. That's like determination in the biological sense--we haven't become what we are going to be yet, but it is obvious that we will never be certain things, and meaning becomes more limited.
But if meaning isn't just fate, then none of this makes any sense, though it is pretty poetic and fun to think about. Meaning can be anything. We can create meaning just by wanting to. Things are meaningless unless you attribute meaning to them. I can find meaning in a cleverly wrought phrase in a book, but other people can dismiss it as just another sentence in the crowd. I can find meaning in seeing a blue Camaro because it reminds me of my brother; it forms a connection between past and present. I can find meaning in getting good grades because it reaffirms my intelligence. My grades mean something to me, but they don't inherently contain meaning since there are many people out there that don't give a damn if they fail.
Meaning, in my opinion, is completely arbitrary. This is not the same as saying there is no meaning, period. It is saying that meaning does exist--only if we want it to. If we believe that life has meaning, we create that meaning by living up to standards and morals based on the fact that there is meaning. If we believe that life has no meaning, then we've got to get by on something else. It's a lot more difficult to operate on the latter assumption.
I choose to give my life meaning But I don't believe that I was "born to be" anything or that God had a specific plan for me when I was born. God knows everything. He knows the choices I will make because He knows me, not because there is no choice involved. "
That was written sometime around finals week at about 3 in the morning. I was obvioulsy just rambling at points, trying to avoid studying, so I repeat myself a few times, but I think the message is still pretty clear.
I feel like I have a lot more to say on the matter and on many other matters, but I'm kind of dizzy. At least there's good basketball on TV.
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