One

It's a word like she that cuts into me, that esh being such a harsh sound, you see. I know you think it's hard to switch, and wouldn't you know? I guess that really makes me a SON of a bitch. But just think of how tough this is for me. Do you think I'm using to being called he? And what happens when I walk into the next room of people I haven't told yet? It's like I'm the ball being passed back and forth across the net or maybe it's monkey in the middle or something, but it's just kind of dizzying. People can't be surprised by this, and I'm sorry I'm not more articulate, but you really should know by now how this all started happening. Anyone who's been paying attention knows what I'm doing, though I have to wonder about the people who see facebook and completely ignore it. I'm telling you right now if you are trying to be polite, the fact that you are not acknowledging my decision is pretty fucking rude. But I'm not trying to be mean here. I really wonder. Do some people just not get it even when it's spelled out for them in black and white? I guess it's blue and white in this case. It's just one of those things that people need to know. And I want them to know it. But seriously. Do you know how exhausting it is to have that conversation with someone? Think of how many people I'd have to tell. I understand that my coming out is something that I'll have to do over and over again until the day that I die, but can't you make it a little easier on me. I assumed that at least one person would approach me about it. And maybe people are afraid. I understand that. But don't be afraid to upset me. Don't be afraid to pry. I just don't feel like initiating 100 percent of the time. And if you really don't care that much at all about where my life is going, at least respect my decision enough by acknowledging that the decision has been made. I'm not really pointing out anyone in particular. Nobody really seems to have gotten the hint, and maybe I was too subtle about it. I don't know.
Believe it or not, I've been working on things for a while. On paper. In my head. I think I started working on this even before I knew I had an option. Most of you will have no idea about all those sleepless nights I had to go through to get where I am with this. I don't expect people to really get it. But what I do expect from people, and maybe this is way too optimistic, is a desire to understand. And I don't expect that from everyone. But I don't think it's too much to ask of my friends. I want to understand everything about them, even though I know that's pretty much impossible. But the effort is still there. That's what counts.
Telling my family is going to be the hardest part of all, and I really want my friends to be involved somehow. I am so afraid of my mother's reaction. Indeed, that's been the part over which I have lost the most sleep. I've told a few friends in the Crew, and pretty much all of my queer friends know. It's like I'm living two lives right now. I know I started this as a kind of poem, but it got a little off topic. Things have been jumbled like that lately.
I haven't written a lot here because most of it has been that kind of personal stuff I would have been afraid to post. But now I realize that I can't live like that. I can't hide who I am for the rest of my life. I'm so fucking scared of this, yet I'm unbelievably excited. This is the person I am supposed to be. I know there is nothing wrong with me, and I know that doing this is the best thing I can do for myself because I was wearing myself out trying to make myself fit into something some( body) that I'm not. I'm tired of being self-conscious. It's so draining to feel like your mind and body live in two different worlds. I couldn't stand it anymore. And I know that there are going to be a lot of people who have had these expectations for me whose dreams get royally ass-raped by my decision. And maybe there will be a few things I'll have to sacrifice in order to achieve this as well. But I'm looking at what's going to make me ultimately happy. I'm looking at what I've always wanted. I'm tired of people not being able to see past this exterior that doesn't fit me at all. It's really annoying.
I was walking to my office at the LRDC with one of my best friends this afternoon. We weren't even talking about gender at all. We were talking about exercise. "...I might as well change the one thing that I can about my life and make it exactly how I want it." Maybe that's why I've always loved exercise so much. When everything else in life sucks, you can always count on it to work the way you want it to. As long as you put in the effort, you'll get what you want. It's the fairest of all things in life. This is the same. If I'm not happy, there is something I can do about it. And why not do it now? These are the best years of my life, and I don't want to waste them pretending to fit into a category in which I clearly do not belong. This is a very positive decision for me. And there are so many new things ahead for me. I really hope you can all enjoy this with me. I know I'm going to need you guys for this. I really hope you find this.
to my friends who have become my family,
to the Crew,
and to Rox.
--Dylan