Still November, Right?

It's not depression unless you've got no reason to be upset. Over and over again, I am forced to face the fact that my life is and will probably never be what it was supposed to be. I'm already a failure. And now that this is where I am, it seems impossible to get out. My life isn't what I want it to be. No matter how happy I can be with the person I have become, the rest of my life has fallen to shit, and I'm going nowhere. And I'm not any closer to saving up enough money to change that. I'm banking on getting into graduate school because I know I won't have to worry about money during that time. I'm praying that I get that position because I'll make more money working 20 hours a week for four months than I will in an entire year at GNC. But if that doesn't work out, well, I don't know where I will be.

The credit card payment is supposed to come out of my account tomorrow, and I'm not going to have enough money to pay it. If it takes the money anyway and overdraws my account, that's the best thing that can happen right now. And I'll be slammed with fees until I can deposit my paycheck after work on Wednesday. If the money doesn't clear...I'm back up to paying 400 dollars a month with nearly 30 percent interest. If the latter situation plays out, I'll have to leave. I don't even know how I feel about it. There are things I don't want to deal with if I go home, but there is a part of me that misses being able to be closer to my family. I would miss everyone here, and Jon would break up with me, but I don't really feel like I have a lot of friends here. I don't even think I have a few, really. Knowing that living expenses would be taken care of at home is a plus, but should that be enough? Should I risk everything now in order to prevent having to risk it for the next ten years of my life?

You have no idea how many times I've considered selling drugs or sex for money. I have people telling me stories about how they used to have five cars and had so much money coming in that they could just give one away. Then I always have to stop and think about how ridiculous it is that I'm even at this point. This wasn't what was supposed to happen, and this isn't what they told me would happen. It almost makes me regret going to college at all...almost.

I could have been in medical school right now. Instead, I've been living on a little less than 2 dollars for about five days now, and I still have to wait until Wednesday night. I haven't actually gone grocery shopping in months. My bed is still just an old mattress on the floor. I'm still in the same place, barely scraping by, and I can't live like this any more. I've been trying to make the best of it, but the effort is just one more thing that takes its toll on me.

"Just get another job."
I already want to cry every single morning I have to wake up and go do this. I'd probably--definitely--want to put a bullet in my brain if I had to do it twice as much.

Yes, a lot of people have it a hell of a lot worse than I do, and maybe they are better people than I am for being able to handle more than I can. I won't argue with it. I just don't want to get to the point where I feel like it's not worth trying anymore, and I'm so close already. I can feel it creeping up on me, almost breathing on me. What is there to keep that feeling at bay? I have nothing tangible to help me through this, and every time I rely on hopes and dreams, I end up in a far worse position.

Moving home would be giving up. But I might have no other choice. I'm just another one of those people who got lost in everything I guess. And I have this terrible feeling that I'm never going to get out of this and that this really is as good as it gets. But maybe I do deserve it, with all that I could have and probably should have done. I'm afraid that it's already too late.

I'm just afraid.
And I'm worried that there's no point in even wanting anything now. I don't want to shut down again. I feel like things haven't been right in such a long time. It's hard to imagine that I could have felt fine a few days ago. Maybe I don't know how to live in what everyone calls the real world, but that's really funny to me.

I may not understand a lot of things about how this society works, but if it ever ceased to work, I'd be able to survive just fine. Most of the real world is absolutely fake, and I'm tired of dealing with it. I hate knowing that that's probably how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life. I just lost my train of thought completely.

I need a plan. I feel like I need help making one. But I don't know if I actually trust that many people for that kind of help. As usual, I'm my own worst enemy. Bleh. This ship is sinking for sure.