Mourning

I can't seem to stress enough how little I expected to be where I am now. I've known that much for a while now. The word hit me the other day, not so subtly. Grief. I'm grieving over the loss of those dreams I used to have--over the loss of the future I was "supposed to" have. I remember saying once or twice before that I had this feeling that I would never make it to the destination I had in mind. That's proven itself true. Not only that, but I also have no idea where I'm going.

I cry when I think about the fact that something as basic as mouthwash has become a luxury item. That's just one easily visualized example.

It's extremely difficult to focus on your future when you can barely keep your head above water in the present.

I keep wondering where I went wrong. I cringe at the thought of this becoming my forever. I love my life and so much of what it has become, but I desperately want to believe that there is more out there for me. There's just some part of me that feels unfulfilled, and I don't know how I'm supposed to resolve that conflict.

I've reached the bottom of the barrel out here. I have to leave my current residence in a few weeks, and with no money and nowhere else to go, I have no other choice but to go back to my parents' house. I swore that I'd never go back. I keep saying that it's only temporary and that I won't be there longer than a month, but I'm terrified that that won't be true. I'm afraid of losing what little I have left. And I know this much: I'm going to be terribly alone the entire time I'm out there. I haven't even left yet, and it already hurts.

Maybe what hurts is that I have no sense of home. I have no routine. Every day is completely unpredictable. I don't want to live day-to-day. I want to live for something bigger. I want more, but I don't know where it's coming from or how to get it.

I want to cry right now because there is this air of hopelessness that surrounds the whole situation. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. And I'm charging forward into the darkness at times, while at others I'm just standing there, terrified to move forward because I don't want that to be all there is. I'd rather just imagine a light on the other side than go on forever searching for something that isn't there.

I feel like I've been getting better. But I get hit with things like this from time to time. It feels so rational, and that's what scares me. I can't dismiss this because of my depression because of how logical it all seems.

I just want something familiar. All of this shit I'm going through right now is so foreign to me. I want my old friends, my old conversations, my old sense of purpose. I feel that fire sometimes, but it comes and goes.

And there's another part of me that's afraid that I'm going to be this screwed up forever--that this is what my normal is. I keep feeling like something's not fair, but again, I don't know what it is.

I am learning to take one day at a time, and I can manage that pretty well. But I just want to have the luxury of not having to do that. I want to be able to plan ahead. I want to be able to have goals again. I want and need a direction.

These things seem so simple in my head, and I wonder why it all hurts so much.

yeah.