Knots

I'm having a hard time trying not to compare myself to other people lately, particularly friends from college. So many of them already have their lives established, and while things may not be perfect for them, they're starting to improve. My situation, however, is just getting worse. It's hard not to feel like I'm missing out or like I have somehow failed to grow up. I mean, I'm living in my parents' house without a job right now, and I can't even drive to the bar when I do manage to go out. For some reason, I've been struggling with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness for the past week or so. Everything just seems pointless. Since I know this is all in my head, I'm just driven further into panic mode because I think that I'm falling back into a severe depression. I wouldn't be able to tell you if that were true. I'm not sure what level of misery is justifed given the circumstances. I'm not where I want to be, and what's worse is that I have no idea where I do want to be. Even worse than that is this thought that keeps occurring at the most inopportune times--the thought that I may never know the answer. I suppose I might be afraid to make a decision (any decision) because I'm worried about being even more miserable than I am now. That's kind of stupid. I'm worried that I have no real human connections anymore. Since I've been away from Pittsburgh, I've started to notice people's attitudes change. It seems like I just matter less to people I thought really cared about me. And once again, I've gotten close to a few people that now want nothing to do with me. I'm getting tired of getting hurt, and I just keep wanting to invest less and less in personal relationships. This is also pretty stupid since I'm lonely as all hell. It's been so long since I've had a really meaningful, thought-provking conversation with someone. Maybe that's my fault for not having felt comfortable enough to do it. I wonder if I'll ever have that kind of connection with someone again. I wonder if I'll let myself have it again, and I wonder if people will be patient enough to let that happen. The odds definitely aren't in my favor. I feel so strange. I know I'm a capable person. I know I'm not stupid. But I also know that I'm not doing a very good job of managing my life. I wouldn't be in this position if I knew what I were doing. And I just don't see a way out of it that allows me to keep my sanity and feel good about what I'm doing--or at least feel confident that good things will come. I don't want this to be as good as it gets. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. I want to be self-sufficient, but I don't want to be alone. I want to have an emotional life outside of myself, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I feel like a fraud because there are a lot of people who look up to me, and they think I have my shit together, when I know that I don't. But I guess that's what being a good role model is all about. Maybe it's better that they don't know how miserable things can be. Granted, I'm not living in complete misery. I'm not unhappy with who I am or the things that I am doing. I am unhappy with the things I am not doing and do not have. There are things missing, and the emptiness is something I can feel in a physical sense. Fucked if I know what they are or where to find them. I don't really enjoy discussing this with people because it always turns into a discussion about the options I have available. I know my options, and reminding me of things I already know and am trying not to think about just makes me even nuttier. The problem I have is in the process of making the decision. What is preventing me from completing that process? Why can't I just pick a goal and go for it like I've always done? Well, maybe that's because it didn't work out the last time. Doing that is what landed me where I am now. Maybe I don't want to make the same mistake again. How do I know that I won't? Shit. That might be it. I don't even know. Sometimes I just need an excuse to get my mind going on something and my fingers moving. I couldn't sleep at all last night, and I feel like I'm going to throw up and wish I could cry. If only I could separate these physical reactions from the mental processes. It's hard to focus on anything when your body is doing the screaming for your brain. And maybe I'm just whining. I don't know. Definitely not going to kill myself. Should I just be happy with what I've got? Should I just accept that this may very well be as good as it gets and not worry about it? I don't know. I've never been an expert at navigating this kind of crap. I feel like it's something new every time. I don't have a library of experiential references or anything like that. I can't give a decent answer when someone asks me what's wrong. If things are too complicated I usually just say that I don't know. Or I'll tell them nothing is wrong because it's easier than trying to translate what is going on in my head. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I don't know what that is, though. I don't want you to tell me what the answer is or give me multiple choice options. I want to know how to answer the question for myself. I want to know the formula, the secret, the trick. I want to be able to do this whenever I have to in the future. I want to know if I did the right thing. It's still bugging me. I really do want to believe that things are going to be fine. I don't really look forward to things. I just constantly worry about getting through them. And I know this is not right. And my own family has enough shit to deal with right now. And I'm trying to deal with all of that extra shit too. Not working. I have a few other thoughts I don't feel like sharing because they might bother some people. I think they'd come across the wrong way, so I'm not even going to attempt to defend what I've been thinking. I really hope to write something happy here soon. This is getting a little old for me. I'm pretty sure that's why people have stopped reading/commenting, but then again, this is mostly for my sake anyway. Later.