making room

i am sad that i cannot be there with you. but i am happy there is someone who can be.

anyway, today is my father's birthday.
i wonder when in my life i will finally start to think of my parents as old. i just don't see it.

there's a blizzard happening too. but it doesn't mean what it used to. blizzards used to me no responsibilities for at least a few days. maybe even a week. now it just means the bottoms of all my pants get wet and everyone drives like an idiot.

i wonder what the hell i am going to do. not just about my life. about everything. and i wonder this all the time.

i'm not sure if i'm sober or drunk or somewhere in between.

some things never lose their potency, no matter how much time has passed. love's memories have no half-life.
but my how things have changed.

i wonder what they think when they think of me. all of them.
i wonder if it's the same as what i think. what we used to think.

this is the year that i turn 25. and that is slightly terrifying. quarter century. almost old.
already old, in the eyes of some.

i can tell i'm not thinking in a way that makes a lot of sense right now. i can't get much out along one line of thought because by the time i do, i've already skidded past at least a dozen others. if only there were a ticker tape attached to my brain.

i wanted to call tonight one big sigh in the middle of my life. but it's not so bad. it's not great. but i'm sitting in a comfortable place, and i'm doing something that i want to do. i'm not sure i'm happy. but i'm really not so miserable at the moment. my arm might be kind of itchy, and my glasses are annoying me. but i'm really not mad at anyone. i am kind of sad, but there is nothing i can do about that sadness but let it happen. and i knew it was going to. it might hang around forever. i'm quite sure this sadness makes up a little piece of who i am, but that thought itself might be the reason it is so hard for me to find anything other than sadness when i visit these memories. happiness needs to find its way in. but it can only do that if i make enough room. happiness doesn't take up as much space. that's why it comes with a feeling of such lightness.

and everything is just okay.
and that's okay.

goodnight.