Getting some thoughts out

Racism is not funny to me. And i am not sorry. There is no reason to laugh when your elder son's response to his lifting partner's nazi tattoos is "it keeps the riff raff away." How do you even laugh at that as a human being, let alone a parent? Isn't that one of those things that should concern you? I don't even say anything these days. It doesn't seem worth it when you know nothing is going to change. I just did not need to hear any of this on my way home. Or my father pretending that he understood anything that my brother was saying about physics. And of course it didn't matter what i said. It never does. He just keeps going on about what my brother said as if i never even said anything. I have been learning not to care that i am the less important child. The one who is somehow always wrong. It is much harder to deal with being told i need to be more like my brother, who has been in prison for 8 years and pretty much hates everyone who isn't a straight, white, Catholic male.

Racism is not funny. And femininity is not weak. It took me a long time to learn both of those, but sadly it took longer to learn the latter. So many people are taught that being feminine equates with being weak that even some who would consider themselves "strong women" find themselves believing it. They complain about feminine women. They call them useless and weak. Weakness is what is weak. You need to learn the difference. On the same note, it is a shame that some strong women feel pressured into subduing some aspects of femininity in order to maintain that reputation of strength. It is a shame that some feminine women are similarly afraid to be strong. It is a shame that men cannot express feminine attributes without having their manhood questioned. It is painful to watch parents reinforce these stereotypes over and over again. It is painful to watch some of my friends act them out. It is the same play over and over again. And i do not know how people can be this blind.

I am enraged when i hear stories about how a man who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars a year got through high school and then college by playing sports and the. Having other people write his papers for him. And this man is in charge of people like me. People who actually kind of gave a shit. It makes me upset to learn that a classmate of mine who got straight C's has a research job at the school from which i graduated and that i have been turned down by literally over one hundred similar positions. What the hell have i done wrong with my life? Where is the justice in any of this, and who is making these decisions? When i see how things have played out so far, it makes me want to give up completely. I honestly did all the right things. And it did not work for me. And now i feel that i can do nothing right.

I feel that i am becoming comfortable in this state of dependence, and i am frightened by it. I know i need to leave here before the year is out. It has been a year already, and my self-sufficiency has decreased. I am more afraid to venture out on my own or take any risks. I am constantly seeking help from other people instead of making my own decisions. I need to go back to my real home. It is starting to feel like a prison here again. This has nothing to do with my family. Or my mother, i should say. I am so grateful for the time we have had and that is one thing i absolutely do not want to lose. I will miss seeing her every day and doing things with her. I will miss the few friends i have made here, and i will miss my nephew. I will miss the studio. I will miss the security of this house. But i cannot stay if i ever hope to get out of this rut. I want my own life and my own family. I want to be something more. I don't hate myself. But i would hate to be the same self for the rest of my life.

I do not feel that i am able to concentrate on what needs to be done. And that has a lot to do with never being by myself. I literally never get the opportunity to just be alone and work it out. Any time there is another presence here, a part of me is on guard, and i am not relaxed. I am not able to be at my best, and over time, that really adds up. I need a release. I need to just fucking find a cabin in the woods.

Scranton is celebrating this weekend. And i do not want to be anywhere near that. But i don't really fancy being around a 55 year old man who does the same thing twice a week (at least it isnt every night like it used to be, if you want to side with my mother). Maybe if you stopped drinking an entire case by yourself every few days, stopped spending all that money every week on comic books, and did anything other than look at toy prices online and play on facebook, you would have a job. I really dont mean to sound as angry as i do about it. I know he used to work hard at his job. And he used to be very good at it. But nearly a year of sitting around waiting for the perfect job has not been good for him. I see the similarity with my situation and it scares me. I do not want to become anything like him. I feel sorry for him in some ways, but that is not something he will understand. But he also doesnt take kindly to the truth. Do you think i wanted to work at best buy? Really? I am doing what i have to do. I needed any job at all, and we are approaching that point. All that time we were worried about losing the house, and you both just kept thinking you had time. That everything would be okay. When he gets a job. When he gets a job. And i would ask what if he doesnt? And the only answer you could give was that he has to. You cant lose 40,000 dollars a year-soon to be 60,000 when the unemployment runs out next month--and live the same life. There are so many people on unemployment now who truly need the money to survive. And so many people who are denied or cannot get it for whatever reason. And it all just does not make sense to me. I wish i could understand. I dont understand very much about people anymore.

I saw a little girl reading a book today. I wanted to hug her mother. I seriously think this might have been the first child i have witnessed reading in over a year. Most of them are just playing games on an ipad when i see them. On a related note, i wanted to buy a magazine today but i could not afford it with what i had on me. This makes me sad.

I am still sick and my head hurts. I almost lost my job. I have had a fever for four days straight, and i could barely stand yesterday. I was shaking and had to support myself by leaning against the wall by the register all day. I cannot call ofd because i cannot get a doctor's note to make up for the absence. And if i wanted to urgent care i would have pay for the cab ride there and back and then the fee there as well. Just for them to tell me what i already know. That i am severely ill and should not go to work. But why give me full time when you already have me working 38 hours a week at part time and dont need to give me insurance or sick days or vacation? When you know i cant quit because there is nothing else i can do here?

Working ten or more days straight sometimes. For 300 dollars a week at most. At a job that already causes me extreme anxiety and nearly has me on the floor screaming at least twice a day. In an area where everyone seems to have evolved from the shallow end of the gene pool. Where i know it really doesnt get that much better here. I dont know how much more i can take. I know i am worth more than this. And i dont know what to do to make things happen. What did i do to make any of this happen?

It might be time to do more productive things.