Solo

I need to write before I start working on the things that I was supposed to have started either some time last night or earlier today. I don't even know how to describe what happened, let alone do it without getting myself upset all over again. Everything has gone wrong from the very beginning. And this doesn't make me feel very good about the upcoming weekend. I love how it's probably the most important weekend of the year for me, and that there are a few people who actually enjoy seeing me this way. Thanks for letting me know that you would rather lie in your bed all day than come pick me up when I really needed your help. I feel so fucking great about myself. If you were the only person that had managed to show how little they cared this weekend, I'd probably be okay with it since you did this all the time when I lived here anyway. I don't know how I feel about coming back now that all this has happened. Sometimes it feels like everything is okay. I love the city itself. But if it's going to be worse than being at home, why would I want to come back?
Is it better to be completely fucking alone or to have friends like this? Should I shut myself away in a town with no hope or let myself get abused just to feel a few minutes of happiness every now and then when someone thinks enough of me to ask me to do something?
I can't even count how many people only talk to me when they need something from me. And that's when they act like they care. And it hurts because I am literally fooled by this EVERY TIME.
I trust people, and this is probably my worst quality.
My willingness to trust has ruined my life more than once. And it continues to hurt me every time I need to rely on someone else. Every time I really think I have people I can count on, I am reminded that I am the only person who cares enough to want to do something for me. I am the only person that I matter to, and that's getting harder and harder for me. The people I thought were my closest friends don't really care, it seems. And then there are people I barely know who would give me the shirts off their backs if I really needed them. And this makes me feel worse as well. Have I just picked shitty friends? Or do people just become this way toward me after they have gotten close to me?
I am not going to be bitter and refuse to help you when you need me. And that just means I am going to get hurt yet again. I don't even want to bring it up because there's nothing that's going to change. And I told my mom that I either have these friends or no friends.
Maybe it doesn't matter where the fuck I go. I'll probably be this lonely and upset wherever I end up. I'll probably just hide away wherever I go.
There is nothing happening in my life to indicate that anything will get any better for me. Time doesn't change things. Doing things changes things. And I am doing nothing. I am going nowhere. And I am alone. And I have felt this way for so long that I don't know how to feel any other way. I don't have that one person that I can count on to come rushing by with a strawberry milkshake when I am feeling down. I don't have that person that I can call at four in the morning when I can't sleep. I haven't known what it's like to have a real friend in years. And I am starting to think that it might have been better to never have known. Didn't have a problem when I was a little kid because I didn't know what having friends really meant. I was fine being by myself and thought that's what everyone did.
Now, I just feel like shit ALL THE TIME.
Nothing is helping. I haven't felt okay in like two years. I have some good days. But most of the time, I'm unhappy. And not just unhappy. I wake up and already want it to be over. Most days, I have to convince myself to stay alive. And I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm going to end up doing something stupid. Not killing myself. I'm not there yet, but I've been down that road before. But I mean something that might kill me in the end anyway. I could quit my job and run away. That's been on my mind for some time now. Just to leave one day and figure out how to get my stuff after the fact. I don't even care where I end up anymore. If I'm alone in my head, I might as well be alone in person because then I wouldn't have to fight with myself trying to be okay with people.
My head has been spinning all day. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm sweating, and it's hard to breathe. It's fine when this happens in an instant when we feel like something bad is going to happen. Like how you feel like when you almost fall down the stairs. But imagine that feeling for hours or even WEEKS at a time. Then YEARS. Imagine living your fucking life in that state and trying desperately your whole like to get away from that feeling. It's impossible anymore. And I don't know how anyone could want to live like this.
There is a voice inside my head that tells me that I don't have a choice in the matter.
But there is another voice that is much darker and scarier. And it knows that I do.
I have wanted to scream and cry about everything all day. And nothing is happening. I feel like I am going to explode soon. And that is not an exaggeration. If you could envision everything inside of you burning and swelling up, putting pressure on every part of your body. Making you twitch in ways that you can't control. Making you unable to control any reaction you have without causing you even more physical and mental pain. That's what it is like. On a good day.
And it's never going to change.
I used to think I'd outgrow this. But I am terribly depressed by the fact that I will always be this way. And always being this way is what is going to cause me to be alone forever. And it makes me feel like I deserve everything that happens to me and more. Like it's all my fault anyway. And that's exactly what everyone else wants me to feel because no one wants to take responsibility for any pain that they have caused another person. Except the ones who enjoy it.
I feel terrible in every way that you can. And after a few years of this, it's become clear that nothing and no one can help me. I'll either figure it out on my own or I will not. And I don't exactly have the best track record for that. I'm smart enough to know when I have reached the point of no return. It was just too much. All of my life has just been too much for me to handle without getting fucked up beyond salvation. I don't know how. But I lost. And I am still losing this battle. I wish it would take me instead of my having to make that decision. Either way, everyone will say it is my fault.
Everyone will say that I had everything and there was no reason.
But it doesn't matter what you have when you feel like you have absolutely nothing, and the only thing you can think about is how you used to have a good life.
I see that good life being lived by someone else. Multiple people most of the time. I can't say much more.
I'm never going to be okay again.
I feel older than I ever have. And more helpless.
I want to scream about how unfair this is. But that doesn't matter. Fairness doesn't exist. And even if it were considered fair, I probably deserve it or should have at least expected it. I don't know why I continue to be surprised that everything about my life sucks. I don't know why I have to keep holding on to the idea that maybe someday I'm going to be okay. No one can prove to me that anything will get better, and I am sick of people telling me that it just will. It won't. Things don't get better if you don't fucking do anything about them. People don't get better unless they know how. And I don't. There are so many more things wrong with me than there are right these days. And I don't feel like putting on a mask for everyone else. I don't feel like going in to do anything for anyone when I feel like this. I don't care about anyone else right in this moment because all I want to do is survive. And it's even hard to care about me. To fight the voice that wants me to give up. It makes the most sense to give up. It's so much more painful to carry on and I don't even know if it will be worth it.
I just fucking can't do this.