I Can't Think

I just want to be able to stop moving long enough to figure out my life. I almost lost it completely tonight, and I have no idea why. I remember feeling frustrated, but not for the reasons you might think. Or maybe they had a little bit to do with it after all. Again, I'm not sure. And the uncertainty itself is stressful. I feel like I'm fucking up everything I'm trying to do right now, and now I feel silly about the whole mess because not so long ago a good friend of mine was telling me the same thing, and I know I didn't take her words as seriously as I should have. I didn't pay nearly enough attention to her concerns because she seemed to excel at everything she did, and I just couldn't understand for some reason. Now, I'm about to graduate, and I actually have to produce something. I actually do have to worry about doing the right things and doing them well because the rest of my life is affected by the things that happen in the next several months to a year. I just wish I could focus on the few things that are important to me and not have to worry about this legal matter or that. I don't want to have to worry about being so poor that I can't afford to buy food or medication or get blood tests done. But I know that I have to deal with all of these things, and I don't think I'm doing that very well. And I really don't know how to get help or get out of this. I need to graduate. I need to get through this semester and just not do anything for a while. But that's not an option. And I feel that I'm coming towards a very rough few weeks. I didn't have a good night. I did lose it. But not completely. And maybe if I had I'd be able to start over right now. I still feel like there's something left inside of me that couldn't quite get out.
Am I frustrated because there were things that didn't get resolved that should have? Is it about feeling out of control of a lot of situations? Memories? Probably everything, but I would love to be able to isolate the precipitating factors.

Valentine's Day is coming up. And I'm terrified of how that's going to go for me.
I'm pretty sure I'm jealous of everyone around me. I'm fully aware of how immature this is. It's funny. It's not that people aren't interested in me, but I feel that they are interested in me for the wrong reasons. People see a different person on stage than I am in real life, and not many people realize that. I feel like there is an open gate between my drag persona and me. Sometimes we swap traits with one another, but we're not really the same person. I'm not always that confident, especially in relating to other people. I can definitely talk to other people and have enjoyable conversations, but getting close to people is so fucking hard for me. And I've always been pretty scared of it. It's just that a lot of people who are "interested in me" right now just want to fuck me or get fucked by me, and that's not something that I can do without knowing someone. I've really tried to be that kind of guy who can just take someone home, but it's never going to happen.

I'm not sure that I'm capable of getting close to anyone anymore, at least for the time being. I am now way too self conscious. I'm always the one whose heart gets broken: It's always my fault, something I did or didn't do. That sounds way worse than I actually mean it to. I just mean that I clearly haven't done the right things in the various relationships I've been in, and I'm no closer to figuring it out.
I'm too intimidated to even put myself out there for real. Not many people understand, and I'm fairly certain not many people would want to be with someone like me, and I'm not talking entirely about my gender here. It's all so silly. I wish I could block all of this out of my life and mind. I don't want to have to deal with this now when I have all the other things mentioned above going on. But it's there. It seems like it's always there, and I've been very lonely for several months. How do I fix this? Beats me. So I just keep going hoping things will change one day soon.

I didn't want this post to be about this. I wanted to do something a little more fun for people to read. Instead, it came across as bitching again.

I keep thinking that I might actually be depressed. Sometimes I just get up and don't feel like there's a point. I won't even start something that I really want to do, I'll feel like things that used to be important won't matter anymore. It's like my heart's not in things anymore, but my head knows that it isn't and tries to make sense of it. And I think that contributes to nights like this one. I've just been trying to push through it, but it's really been months. It hit me sometime in October or November after getting me a bit in the late summer. I know a lot of people won't agree with what I'm about to say, but sometimes I think I have a legitimate reason to feel the way I do. Maybe my head's just too fucked up all the time. I don't know. I'm even getting the feeling now that there isn't much of a point in continuing to describe this. I don't really like talking about it, though. This isn't who I am or want to be.

I want the pieces of my life to fit together the right way. They're all over the floor right now, and I'm getting really frustrated with having to jam them into places they don't fit.

And now for some reason I just want to be able to cry. No idea why. It just seems appropriate. Of course, that's not as easy as it used to be.

I feel really lost. I need a direction. There are a few things in my life that give me direction for brief moments, little tasks with finite end points and specific goals. But the whole thing's a fucking mess. I don't know how to manage it. Everything is way too different for me now, and I never had time to figure it all out and adjust to it, and it's just going to keep changing and keep fucking with me until I refuse to deal with any of it anymore and lock myself away for good.

What the fuck? Really.

I just want to run.

I miss having someone waiting for me when I get home. I'm worried about what people with think when they read that. At this point, I've stopped caring. Downward spiral much?

I can't relax. I can't recharge. I'm really fucked. I need help. Please.

Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something happens to remind me that I'm really just sitting in the same place I've always been.

Every time any little thing happens around me tonight, I want to pound my fists into the ground and scream. People sneezing, other unexpected noises, etc. But I keep everything in. And I feel like I'm doing this all the time some days, and it's all just to keep other people happy and keep them from thinking I'm some sort of fuck up or freak. Why do I do this? I do it because I don't want to be lonely anymore, and I want to be out there in the real world with real people, but the way my head is right now, that's not possible. This cycle is going to kill me.

Maybe this will never change. Maybe this is as good as it gets. I said that to a good friend of mine about a completely unrelated issue of his. Maybe I have to turn that back on myself. Maybe I have reached the highest point. I've come to accept a lot of things about myself, but I've always believed that there was hope for things to get even better, and that is what has pushed me forward in most cases. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm typing things and not fully understanding why. The words are just coming out and sounding right, and there's nothing more to it. I can't get away right now. There's nowhere I can go and nothing I can do. And I've felt like this for months as I've hopped around from place to place without feeling like I really belong anywhere. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just visiting. I WANT TO GO HOME. I just want to go home.

And I don't want to stop typing right now because that means I'm faced with nothingness again. Actually, that doesn't make any sense. It just means that I have to deal with my own brain and my thoughts without any way at all to filter them out. At least typing gets me to focus only on the things that I need to put into words. I can't do that with talking right now. And maybe I actually still am thinking about way too many things because sometimes the words really don't make any sense. I feel helpless. And useless. And I hate it.

Fuck.

brain

I'm amazed at how far I have come and yet more at how much further I have to go.

Out with the Old

I'm feeling really funny tonight, and I wish I could more succinctly describe it than I'm about to. Most of my friends aren't going to have anything to do with me tonight. I'm not even that surprised about it because I feel like this has been building up for a while. In addition, I keep thinking about things that happened about 3 months ago and all of the people that are no longer in my life--people I really cared about and assumed felt the same way about me. I just can't believe that not a single person cared enough to say something or to even attempt to make me feel like they thought I was a real person. Maybe I actually fear that there were people who understood what happened and why I made my decision but they just weren't strong enough to speak out against the mob mentality that had begun to reign over the entire group. I hate when I have to question more than four years worth of memories. Was any of it real? Where are my friends now? Where were they when I really needed them--when I had all but lost my own family, was afraid of being murdered, was afraid to go home at night, was having meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day, and was afraid to even mention it to them because I didn't want to have them make me feel like the problem child? I hated being treated like a nuisance and I hated causing problems for people that were supposedly doing so much for me. But I started to question things. I'm a pretty perceptive person, despite some deficiencies. In fact, I make up for those by being very, very good in other areas. I won't say which ones because those of you that care will know what I mean anyway. It also helped to have eyes and ears "on the inside". I guess I knew it had been going on with certain people for a long time. I'd heard it from multiple people, but I never expected to catch the person I did, and on a night like that, that was the last thing I needed. That was one of the most crushing things I have ever felt. I felt every little fiber of my heart being ripped apart over and over again. And I was seriously depressed for a long time, and I don't think I'm completely over all of that yet, but it sent me on a pretty awful spiral. I lost a little over 10 pounds in a few weeks, partly because I didn't feel like eating and partly because sometimes I just couldn't afford to anyway. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I guess I'm just feeling really frustrated, and I wanted to get this all out tonight. The year is almost over, and I'm going to have to leave things behind again. But I hate feeling like I have to leave behind all the good things and happy memories because I can't be sure if they were real. I can't be sure if a certain person was being genuine in helping me out all the times he did. I really don't know anymore. He was the person that made me want to stick around the most this year. He was my connection to the rest of them--the one who had known me longer than the rest. I got through some of the shit other people were saying about me because of him, and he made me feel like it didn't even matter because there were far more people who didn't see me that way. But now I'm not sure that that was true, and I'm not sure that he even gave a fuck about me. Maybe he was just doing his job, keeping the peace. How do I tell? I know I'm going to lose them all forever. I don't want that. But I don't see any other way at this point. I need to proceed this way because it's going to happen again, and some other kid's going to get their heart ripped out. I'm seeing the signs already, and I don't like where things are going for some of the others. What do I tell this trans bass drummer from up north when he asks me about joining the line? Think about that one.
I'm queer. And I'm out. This is something I've been struggling with for a while now, and the whole thing gets me absolutely livid. People don't have a problem with gay people. A lot of people say there is no problem at all as long as they don't "act gay". Well, what does that mean? It really means that they are exhibiting atypical gender behaviors. People don't have an issue with sexual orientation. The real problem is deviance from expectations of gender. If a man displays typically feminine characteristics or interests, people take issue and violence can ensue. If a woman does not, she is invisible, ridiculed, not real. It disgusts me to know that had I just been a "normal" guy and kept quiet about my queer life and interests, I wouldn't have been mocked, harassed, and humiliated like that.
I need to start getting ready for tonight. Hopefully, I will be in a better mood later on, but many of the people who could have cheered me up this time last year aren't going to be anywhere near me tonight or any time soon, it seems. Maybe some of them--perhaps most of them--are gone forever too. But I have found new friends in places I would never have expected. In fact, I was sure that I would not like one of them at all, never having had a real conversation. But that just goes to show you that you really can't rely on first impressions. That's a problem that I've faced before too. I'm not always the easiest person to get. I may not say a lot or may seem disinterested, but I'm probably just overwhelmed and thinking way too hard about the whole interaction. I'm not shy, in reality. If you get to the real me--if you can get past all of that other shit--I'm very friendly and love talking to people. And more than anything, I love to make people laugh. I am the ice breaker, and that's often at my own expense. If I can make it easier for the whole group to interact, I will gladly strip myself of my dignity. But you should be aware that this does not give anyone else that right.
Alrighty. Pushups, then clothes, then to the party.

December 27

I don't need saving. I don't need to be taken care of. I'm sorry that this had to happen, but that conversation really needed to end when it did.

Another one gone, I guess. How many friends will I lose in this new year?

Neuro Class

I have that funny feeling behind my eyes that tells me I haven't slept through the night, but what feels even worse is the way I can feel my heart beating double-time as I lie there twenty minutes before my alarm is supposed to go off. I knew my day was going to be shitty from the very beginning, and things haven't been getting any easier. I have something to say to professors who think that poster presentations for ten people in a tiny ass room with everyone else in the class wandering around while all of these people are talking is a good idea: It's not. I felt like I was going to scream the entire time, and I couldn't really listen to anyone anyway. And now I have to GIVE one of these presentations on Wednesday. Guess who's going to fail.
You know what that means for the class I'm in now? There's no point in being here for me because I'm not able to pay attention. I'm glad I have this here to keep my a little focused on something, even if it's not what I'm supposed to be concentrating on. You have no idea how happy I will be when this semester is over. It's strange, but I know that the reason that this whole semester has been out of whack for me is because of the way it started, and even if I have most of my shit together now, the fact that I didn't start out that way really screwed me up. I need this current phase to conclude. My filter's going to work a lot better when I can clean out all this gunk from the fall semester.
I'm going to graduate after all. I need to fill out a bunch of forms this week, but other than that, it's going to happen. There were a lot of times when I didn't think it would, for various reasons. Maybe I thought I was going to be arrested. Maybe I thought I was just going to quit because I couldn't take it. And then maybe I thought that I wouldn't be able to afford that next payment.
I don't know why I was so uncomfortable last night. I have some theories, though.
I need to leave this class early anyway. Why did I even show up? Oh, because I didn't go on Wednesday. I've had to miss way more class this semester than I ever have in college, and this might even rival my absenteeism in high school.
I still feel kind of sick.
I'm starting to get that twitchy feeling.
Another thing that pisses me off...When a student sends you multiple messages about missing grades and random zeros you've entered in CourseWeb, it'd be nice to have a fucking response instead of telling me when I confronted you about it two weeks later that you had gotten my messages and that you'll get to them. Some people don't like to miss the start of their next class. However, I just don't like talking to you, and that's my excuse. And you know...I really just don't like you.
I know that I'm probably feeling funny because it's almost time for my shot. I know the dose isn't high enough. I started feeling really shitty on Friday night. I think I'm starting to recognize a pattern here. Dr. Gold never got back to me about the blood tests. My insurance isn't going to cover them. I'm going to have to go somewhere else where maybe someone can help me out. I just want all of the random suck to stop for just a little bit. That'd be great.
I'm really not taking any of this in.
Why do I have to be so messed up? The worst part of this is that I get away with all of this and have for years. I don't know whether that's good or bad anymore.
I promise to write something where I'm not just bitching about random shit soon.
I'm seeing a nutritionist soon, so I have to leave this class early. I'm getting extra credit for it. I'm kind of interested, but I am worried that it's going to be a huge waste of my time.
I am terrified of the insane debt that I've gotten myself into. I don't think I'll ever get out of it. I couldn't make the payment this month, so it pretty much doubled when the late fee was added. And, um, I still can't pay it, so I don't know what's going to happen except that things are going to get much, much worse.
What the hell am I going to do after graduation? It's not freaking me out, but it's still worrisome. I have all these options now, and decisions are scary. It was easy when I knew exactly what I wanted to do and exactly what I needed to do to get there. Uncertainty is a huge part of my life now. I can't tell if that's messing with me or not.
I had another dream about getting into a fight with someone. This was way more epic and involved more people on both sides of it, and it's an event that might have happened a few weeks ago had I chosen something different.
I just want to stop doing things. I need like 3 or 4 days of nothingness. That's not even going to happen over break because I'm working almost every day. I really need to make that money. I just wanted my fucking name changed before graduation, but now I need to worry about this credit card shit before it really gets bad. I mean, it's already bad. And things aren't looking up.
I alternate between believing that I'm actually depressed and thinking that there are certain things going on in my life that would reasonably make someone feel this way. Sometimes you're supposed to feel like shit. There's nothing wrong with feeling depressed when someone close to you dies, for example. So if I am reminded from time to time of something that really makes me feel terrible, it's not pathological to me. I think what's making me question this is the fact that I get reminded of this almost constantly. I feel pretty stupid about not being able to control this--not being able to force myself into forgetting. I think I've said too much already.
Byez.

Ramble Ramble

I think I have such a hard time letting go because I know exactly what I'm missing, and I'm confronted with that feeling of loss from time to time. I have to do my best not to let that overwhelm me, but sometimes I just fail. I don't know how to interpret this or the other feelings that rise to the surface. Maybe this is just a part of it. Maybe this is what it means. I don't want to be that guy. Or maybe I do, and that's the whole problem.
Maybe I don't want to be anyone's right now. Or maybe I just want to be someone's. I don't know what the answer is. I'm not done dealing with the last several months of relationship disasters. I don't know if I will ever be. Christ, I sound sixteen again. I might just be missing a lot of people and things right now. I'm scared to not miss them, really.
I wish I had a bit more time to write, but I have to be up early tomorrow because I'm going on JJ's webcast. Maybe I can get a few more things out anyway.
It's almost Thanksgiving. That means it will have been a year since my parents found out about my trans identity. I say this because I did not choose to come out to them at that time, though it would have happened a few days later, had things gone my way--had the power of facebook not rendered that impossible. So much has changed in one year. That one year feels like it has lasted a lifetime. A lifetime's worth of people have come and gone since then. It's amazing how much experience can be packed in to that amount of time. The story of my life--our lives--will make a great novel some day.
"You have to do the right thing."
Yes, I do. But you and I have different ideas about what that is and how it pertains to my situation right now. But rest assured that I am. We all try to operate under the basic assumption that what we are doing is right.
Things are going to change soon.
I'm ready for this.
I'm going to lose some people. And that makes me very sad. But sometimes that happens when you do the right thing. I've already lost a lot of you. I rarely give up on people, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in taking responsibility for what you have done. If only I could be more specific. It won't be much longer.

Thank you for coming with me today. Thank you both for spending this day with me when you didn't have to at all. It's one of the first times I've felt like somebody's really had my back during this whole situation. You've really helped me not to lose focus and feel overwhelmed/pressured. Writing things down definitely helped. Talking it through to the point of exhaustion did too. We just kept turning it over and over and over again. And each time, it became a little clearer. And by the end, it was pretty obvious. This is going to change things. I won't get it back, but I'll make sure that no one else has to lose it.

3:11 Just Happened.

I don't like feeling as far apart from you as I do right now. You're more than one person, in more than one place. But I think things are going to be okay. I have to start accepting that people come into and out of your life all the time. I just can't believe that we hardly ever see each other anymore. We spent so much of the last several years together. My friend is gone. Maybe things are just different. I wish I could make sense of this, of all these other relationships that keep happening around me. I think it's all starting to, but it's tough. Maybe this is because I haven't really been outside of a relationship for an extended period of time since early in high school. I never knew your heart could break this many times and still keep going. It's kind of incredible, and it might be weird, but that makes me smile.
I think it's time to nap.