Coming Out

So many things don't make sense. This decision doesn't make sense. It contradicts the entire point of having a numbered system. If this were any other person, it would have been a different decision. I didn't come into this with a clean slate, and that isn't fair. You can't say that I'm so close and then not give me the chance. I can do this. I don't care what I have to do to show you that, but I can. Oh, so if my problem is performance related as you say, how is switching me to a random instrument that I don't know how to play going to help? If that were really the case then I shouldn't be in the band at all, right? Go ahead. Give me a random ass piece of music to memorize and play with you all standing an inch from my face. I don't care. I'll do it. You didn't even give me my paper back. You didn't give me the chance to come back next time. So I'm just not worth it to you? Psychologically better for me? Who are you to tell me what is best for me? If that's the way you want to look at it, then let me suffer. Bring it on. I want this chance. I can't believe that you'd say I'm not worth it.
Stand in front of me. Make faces at me. I don't care.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? This is how I've defined myself for half of my life. This is who I am and what I have always done. And being a part of this drumline has made who I am. And now it's gone. And here I go again crying hysterically. Senior year. I'm never going to march off the field with my class. No senior send off. No Pitt Bradford. Never being able to enjoy another football game. Never being able to go to the Crew House again. You say I am welcome and that I am always Crew, but would you really have given up on me if you thought that? How do you expect me to feel like I belong there ever again?
Why did you let me go through the entire camp if you didn't even think I could do it anyway? Why didn't you let me go last night with the others? Why didn't you tell me what I could do while we were playing? "2 plus?" What the fuck? That means if you get a little better, you'll make it. That's the level at which I play the music. If that's true, and I just need to work on some other things, that's great. But how am I supposed to do that. Why tell me that then? I'm ready to go right now. I play for this entire fucking city naked if I have to in order to stay. Whatever the fuck you want from me, I'll do it. Give me the fucking chance like you would anyone else. And what happened to the cymbal audition? I had no idea when it was happening. I was just going to go when they started calling people from the snare line, but they never seemed to do that. And no one came over to me about it like people have in the past, so I figured that things were going really well. Come on. I'll play in front of the entire staff and Jack and anyone else who fucking wants in on it.
You said you know what's going to happen anyway at the next camp so why bother? That's ridiculous. If you knew what was going to happen with anyone, then this system wouldn't exist. Why have it if you're not going to use it the way it should be used? You can't grade people on things that haven't happened yet.
Drumming is basically my life. It's the way I think about everything. I constantly hear rhythms in my head. Just let me finish out the camps like anyone else. I'm asking for fairness here--for what you would do to anyone else in this situation.
My head hurts so much right now. I mean it. This is the worst I have ever felt. I know I can fix this. What already? Do you want me to practice with people screaming in my face and shit? I'll do that too. It's not supposed to end this way. No one should have to deal with this kind of shit. I hate pulling this shit, but I'm going to say it: After all the fucking shit I went through last year, I deserve this chance. I sat on the freezing cold ground and watched all season long. I learned the first 3 shows by heart and gave up when I realized that I was never going to play no matter what. I played on the sidelines all the time. I came early and played every practice. I did everything I could. UCONN stand beats? I knew them. I wasn't the only one fucking up at times. Oh and what about ESPN the stand beat? I learned it. No one else did. There's no music for stand beats. Do you really think that I could play something once like 4 months beforehand and remember it? And some of them were never taught to me, even though I kept asking at band camp and several practices. You can't put this all on me. I'm doing what I can now and trying to show you, but you could have told me while we were playing that I needed to pay more attention to the performance aspect. A little reminder doesn't hurt. Instead, no one told me anything. This learning curve is exponential, and just as I could feel it rising, you tell me this shit.
My head is fucking spinning right now. I'm angry and hurt and feel completely lost and useless. I don't care what I have to do. I'll go to the band room every day for hours and hours and just play in front of random ass people. I'll come to your house and play. I don't care. Just don't throw me away. How would you feel if everything you are was suddenly taken from you? The whole situation worked out shittily last year because you never let me practice the exact thing with which I had trouble. How am I supposed to get over it if you never give me the chance? Freshman fun day would have been a great opportunity for that. High school band day. Fuck even just standing there in front of me after practice and letting me play shit for you over and over again would have worked better than just shoving me on the sidelines with a pad. I couldn't hear myself play anyway. I played all the shows on the pad and ended up playing them on the ground because that way I could feel the vibrations in my legs to know that I was playing them correctly. Dragonforce. That's another show that I knew. How can you say that I didn't know any of them? I never played them for you. I went through all of this shit and am finally getting over it, and this is what happens? What about the other two camps? This is seriously disturbing me. Fuck. What the fuck do I do with myself now? I can't handle this. I've just lost the biggest piece of myself. It'd honestly be better if people just pretended I never even existed. Then no one would have to do any explaining. And how am I going to explain this? It doesn't make sense to me at all. I'm so over it. Come on. Right now I swear to God. I can fucking do this. Just give me the same fucking chance you would anyone else. I promise you that I'm not just bullshitting. Fuck I can't deal with this right now. Why? Why the fuck? Everything in my fucking room. The Vic Firth poster. The postcards and photographs. All of my fucking clothes, really. The wall that I just painted over. The sticks everywhere. The clocks and books. Everything reminds me of drumline. All my hands want to do is play right now. But every time I pick up the sticks I want to scream at you. My insides just kill right now and I'm dizzy. Maybe it's just stupid of me to believe that people can change. If people didn't improve then what would be the point? You didn't even give me the paper back. No comments. Just basically don't come back ever. No middle step like show me next time that you can or else that's it. No warning. No chance for me to redeem myself. And last time I checked we had a week to learn shows, not five seconds in an audition room. I need to talk to someone about this. I can't just go out like this. This isn't right, and I know it. I deserve better than this. And I'm not afraid to say it this time. I'm making a decision. I'm making a decision to confront you about this because I think it's wrong. I'm calling you out. And to be honest, show music is totally different than what we do during the summer. No one's going to be in my face talking to me or fixing stuff when I'm on the field. There's no worry about losing focus there then. I'm a completely different person when I'm actually performing something. Just ask anyone who went to the Drag Show. Aren't you supposed to always check yourself when you practice? If you want me to treat everything the other way, then fine. Christ, just don't give up on me. Not yet. And I'm saying this too: Doing that's just not Crew.
I'll do whatever the fuck I have to. I can do this. I know. Let me come back. Let me show you. Don't think you can't be wrong. And don't assume that I'm going to fail. Get in my face. I'll get back in yours then. Yes, I'm pissed. I'm a lot of things right now. And maybe I'm not being as tactful as I should be, but this is a situation that calls for urgency. This is a situation where I need to be this way. Nobody ever gained anything from backing down. I've only come this far because I refused to, and that's not going to change. I'd end up regretting it if I didn't try. I'm not hopeless. I'm not useless. I refuse to believe it. Fuck anyone who tells me that. I need to do this. I need to show you for my own sake. Not doing so would be like putting a bullet through my brain.
I'm coming out of my shell to fight. And I'll win because I have sticks.