Integration

I spent last night drumming on the bar of the Crew House basement, not the first and last time for such an occurrence, but this session in particular will stand out in my mind as different from the others. I surprised people last night. I surprised myself. I was calm. I was okay. And it was absolutely amazing.

A college education is supposed to stress the importance of integrating concepts across the disciplines, and upon developing the skills necessary to do so, one may discover that concepts outside of academia can be related in a similar fashion. Hell, you can mix and match sometimes.
A few days ago, I was firsts rummaging--then searching--for a poem I had written freshman year. This poem is the closest I have ever come. And now it might just be that the time for its relevance has passed, but it's a feeling I will never forget, and rightly so.
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Performance Anxiety

My pride is more than a medal or a moment,
Though fleeting as a summer shower, alleviating
the pangs of this sweltering soul. Flickering,
it burns in the presence of the very oxygen that flows
through my veins. I stand stripped
of my pride, humility
allowing me to breathe deeply
and purely.
Yet how I wish that fire were in me, engulfing
every iota of doubt, abolishing
the last infinitesimal strand of self-deprecation, unleashing
from the cold, cavernous den of my inner being
radiant confidence
unparalleled.
How I envision these reins of subconscious,
self-induced restriction growing gossamer enough
to facilitate the escape
of my manacled will. And how
I long for such days when my hands belong
to me again. I long for this as I once longed for death.