Fuck.

Calming down doesn't mean getting over it. In fact, I think I'm actually worse off than I was yesterday, even if I'm not showing any outward signs of distress. My brain is functioning properly this morning, but that only means it can more accurately and efficiently process this situation. My stomach is boiling, I'm still dizzy, and I really don't even want to be alive right now. I don't want to talk to people or see anyone because I don't want to explain why I'm acting this way. I made a phone call last night in an attempt to make this right, but there is absolutely nothing I can do. It's over. It's over for the biggest bullshit reason I have ever heard. It's a reason that absolutely doesn't make sense, and it was even agreed that, were I anyone else, the decision would have been different. I should have been allowed to come into this year with a clean slate, but instead I had the entirety of last year working against me, and I hardly count that year as a fair evaluation. There are so many inconsistencies in this logic that it's absurd. I brought these up and received no answer, and I can only assume that that is because there is none. A piece of me has really died. So many things have been absolutely ruined for me. I'm never going to be able to go to another Pitt football game and enjoy it. I'm never going to be able to watch my friends play without wanting to break down and cry. Even being around the House, where I used to feel so safe and at home, is going to make me feel awkward, inferior, and out of place. I feel like my memories of this experience will be tainted forever. How can it be that I'm going out like this? How could I possibly consider my self an alum. That's not what happened. I didn't graduate. I've been cut. I've been cut for reasons that have nothing to do with my abilities as a drummer, and that's beyond comprehension right now, and I don't think it'll ever get to that point. I hope it doesn't because that means I'll have stopped making sense as well. Maybe my first hunch was right. Maybe people have just gotten tired of dealing with me. Why am I not given the same chance as everyone else? Why do people think it is better to completely strip me of my identity rather than give me that chance? If my performance aspect and memorization abilities are the subjects of concern, why would it be acceptable and encouraged to join another section in the band on an instrument that I can't even play, where the same things will be required of me? If Jack thinks I am capable of this, then there is no reason I should not be capable of doing it on the instrument that I already know. I keep wondering if Jack knows the whole story. No one's ever going to know what really happened, and I don't know how many times I'd be able to tell this story without crying or wanting to hurt someone. I'm glad I'm not the only person who thinks this is absolutely ridiculous. I'm glad that while I was on the phone last night, a friend of mine had to leave the room because she couldn't stand listening to what was coming from the other side. I'm really not okay. I'm not going to pretend to be okay for anyone. And I'm never going to forget this, and I'm never going to feel okay about how things turned out. I love this drumline. I will never stop loving it and what it stands for, but a lot of people are beginning to forget. I want to be involved in any way that I can, but no one has given me any option to stay involved other than Jack. From that I can only conclude that the staff just don't give a shit anymore. I'm not going to leave. I am going to stay involved in any way that I can, even if it only serves as a constant reminder to everyone of what happened. I hope they look me straight in the face on game day this fall and see the empty space they've left behind it. I hope they never forget this decision, but the worst part of this may be that not a single one of them is going to lose sleep over it. I hate being lied to. I hate not knowing what really happened in those meetings. I don't know how much more I can say. I'm honestly dying inside right now. I can't think about anything else. I can't concentrate on anything that I have to do. Drumline is what has always kept my life in balance. It was the center of my universe. Do you know what happens when the sun burns out? And I just can't help feeling that this shit always happens to me. I'm not saying I'm the only one. I'm saying that I'm the only one I know who constantly has to deal with the most random ass disasters and soul-crushing experiences. I'm getting a little tired of this. I have to wonder how this is good for me. How does this make sense? Why would God let this happen to me? I see no reason for this--no purpose. I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I have never felt worse in my entire life. I still want to march. If I can't march here at Pitt, I will try to march somewhere else, but do you know how amazing it felt to be part of that at this school? I love Pitt, and now I can't show it or express it in any way. I can't do the thing that I do best. I think I'm beginning to ramble again, and I'm sorry about that, but I'm attempting to get lost in the characters and keystrokes, and I'm almost there. But something in my head isn't letting me get away. I've got an anchor weighing down my conscious mind, and I'm sinking fast. This time I really am drowning, and the only people who have the ability to save me just told me that there's no more room in the boat and that they have to save their resources for more useful people on board. I'm floundering here in this ice cold water--ice cold like the turf at the practice field against my bare legs last season. The water is filling my lungs. There's no room for anything else.
I feel like the outside is mocking me. It looks so beautiful. This was supposed to be the best summer of my life. Now it doesn't feel like summer at all, and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I've been thrown away. I see people smiling and going about their lives this morning, and I can't even attempt to smile back. I have nothing to smile about now. Everything I have looked forward to all winter has been annihilated. There is no hope in this situation for anything good to happen. And how do I explain this to my family? How do I explain it to all my friends who were planning on coming to games to see me this year? How can I ever chat about the good old days of Pitt Crew with the alumni without feeling out of place? How can I ever belong again? I don't want to go out like this. This is not the same as marching off the field on Senior Day and never being able to march because your time has already passed. This is just cruel. This is wrong on so many levels. I could understand cutting me if I completely sucked ass, but that's not what happened here, and I really don't want people to believe that. It's not so much what people think about me as what they think about the people in charge of this decision. People deserve the truth and not some bullshit excuse that makes it easier to explain. I can't ever be okay with something like this. It's like asking someone if he'd ever be okay with cold-blooded murder. All of this shit is making me not want to do anything ever again. Can you blame me? The only advice I've been given has been to give up. I'm basically being told that I'm not worth it. I entrusted my heart and soul to these people for 3 years--put them into every note that I played for them. This was my life. And it has ended in the worst way possible. If you think I am exaggerating, then you have no idea how much this has meant to me and has influenced my life and my every decision here at Pitt. I literally built my world around this identity. It's how I always define myself, and I don't have anything now. I can't just create a new identity for myself out of necessity. I'm not falling apart. I'm decaying from the inside out. I feel like I've lost all purpose here. I don't really see the point in trying for anything now. I'd feel so much better if I had been hit by a bus. Maybe then I'd be remembered differently. I'd be a martyr instead of that loser who got cut as a senior. I've given so much to this drumline. I feel like I have been forsaken and disowned. I just don;t know. Fuck.