I meant everything I said last night. I never really felt sexy until I got to be Dylan for the first time. I mean, I know that other people may have perceived me as such at various times in my life as a female, and I was aware of that. But I couldn't feel it. That was a very external kind of sexiness that didn't really belong to me, and it always felt like coming out from under water when it was finally time to take it off. I'm not the first person to say it, but drag was my gateway drug. It was when I realized that my drag persona felt more real to me than the person I was trying to be in real life that I knew something big was on the horizon. Drag wasn't so much about doing as it was being for me.
It wasn't an instantaneous realization. And it wasn't an entirely pleasant experience. Dylan had to be yanked out of me, and there was a time when I fought back with all I had just to keep him inside. I was terrified of losing everyone and everything. I was terrified of being a freak. So I slid myself into genderqueer, attempting to believe that I could fluctuate between man and woman as I saw fit, but each time I gravitated toward the masculine end of the spectrum, I was better able to see the emptiness of the person that existed on the other side. The thoughts kept coming back, and I would just cry as I watched video after video on YouTube and began to realize that this was REAL. I opened the book signed by Scott Turner Schofield, made out to a straight tomboy named Elise, and let the tears come crashing down onto the pages. I sat on my bed for a long time staring at the graffiti my girlfriend and I had painted on the wall, words uttered by an estranged drumline instructor named Will: "Nothing worth having is ever easy."
It would still be months before I could bring myself to say the words. But they were there. And I could feel them rising from deep down inside, rising into my throat and getting stuck there. When they and I (and he) finally came out, she told me that she knew this day would come. I think we all did.
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I will never forget sharing dinner that night with you and Scott Turner Schofield. I hope your paths cross again one day and you have a chance to show him the book he signed and the man you've become.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of books, which book/submission are you referring to in this entry (if I may ask?)
~B.
I'm working on a book: Transwers. :)
ReplyDeleteI really want to get in touch with him too. I keep wondering if he would even remember because when I think back to that dinner now, I can't help but think that he might have known what was coming for me.
How cool! I'd like a Transwer, please ;-)
ReplyDeleteAs for STS, I have a feeling he is one of those people that never forgets someone he meets, especially someone with whom he can identify ... even prematurely. Who knows? Maybe your paths will cross again one day when both of you are least expecting it.
...Or you could just go to one of his shows ;-)
~B.
He remembered me from 3 years earlier that night. And you know how it is when trannies recognize trannies-in-training ;)
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