I Don't Know What the Date Is

I finally got reimbursed for my Pitt Drag Show expenditures, so my bank account will remain above zero when my credit card payment goes through. I don't even know why I bother paying them anymore at all. It's never enough, and the way things are going, it's never going to be enough. I don't even want to think about it. I avoid about ten phone calls a day. I'm not going to argue about options that just aren't going to work for me. I've given up trying to stay ahead because I know I'm not. I'm just trying to get by, and sometimes, it's just trying to find a way to eat the next meal. I hate asking people for money. I hate taking things that aren't mine. Don't get worried. I have enough cheerios and packets of tuna to coast on for a while, but sometimes I just want something more. I'm feeling better, but I'm tired, and I'm losing weight. I've been scared of doing my shot all day because I know I will be even hungrier. I'm pretty sure if you told me I had to walk an hour for a few slices of pizza, I'd do it without thinking. You can get a hungry person to do anything. Really.
I think I will clean and write letters tonight. I need to write another coming out letter. It's been a while since I've done that. And I should probably write another one to my brother and one for my grandmother. I've even been thinking of writing my parents by hand. I wonder if that will make things easier for them. Maybe it will be more real for them.

I did a hot spot last night when I really shouldn't have, but I think I managed to push through to the other side somewhere in the middle of my number. It was an interesting night all around, and I don't have it all pieced together yet. And that's making me a little nervous, but I've discovered that almost everything has some sort of effect on me. I cannot remember a time when I wasn't anxious or nervous, generally speaking.

I'm not wearing pants. And this is fine.

I'm trying to be positive about my life and find reasons for things. I need a way to deal with it. I need more single friends. Or I need to start asking my friends to do things without feeling guilty or like I'm wasting their time. I've slowly begun to do this, but I don't have too much luck because almost everyone I'm close with is seeing someone and spending most of their time with that person. It's insanely difficult for me to make new friends. I mean, I can be friendly with anyone, but it takes a lot for me to feel a connection with someone. I think there's something about trust involved. And maybe I need to know that the other person can understand me without my having said a word.

There are people that used to be a big part of my life that I still see, and I see some of them pretty regularly, but I don't feel really connected to them anymore. One of those connections has been slowly fading over the course of a year, while another seemed to vanish almost instantaneously. I think I'd feel better not seeing them anymore because when I do, I am reminded that my memories are real, and I start feeling happy for a minute. But that goes away pretty quickly because all I end up thinking about is how those feelings just don't exist for me anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose.

And now I'm worried about losing people before I even have them. And I hate being timid. I hate feeling this out of control.
Someone asked me this question the other day: "Are you sad?"
I didn't even think about my answer. It just came out. "Usually."

It's not like I'm in a raging depression all the time, but that does happen occasionally. I'm just sad. And it won't go away.

I keep going back and forth on this. I want to believe that everything's going to turn out okay if I just keep moving forward. And the more that I believe that I am not even in control of this, the worse I feel about myself.

I just heard fireworks outside. That reminds me that the fourth of July is coming soon. I don't know what I'm going to do. I may not be able to do it this time. I'll be alone thinking about it, most likely, and I won't have anyone to distract me because I'm sure everyone's going to be all coupled up. Maybe I can try to sleep through the whole thing. Sometimes I wish I could have normal holidays again. Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. I haven't had a real Thanksgiving with my family since just after turning 16. I am starting to forget what that even means. I've spent most of my recent Christmases traveling about three hours to the prison, staying for 12, and then traveling three hours back. And I am thankful for the time I do get to spend with my family, for the most part, but sometimes I want things back. And I'll never be able to have them again. I have never figured out how to deal with loss appropriately. I react the same way whether I lose an object or a human being. And that really sucks when all I want is my damn fire extinguisher pin.

I really tried to start writing something positive. I've been writing a lot lately. Most of it seems very whiny, and that usually annoys the shit out of me, so I can imagine how everyone else must feel about this crap. I do apologize. But maybe this will help.

It passes the time, and it gives my hands something to do.

I think I'm going to look at apartments on Craigslist and give myself something to look forward to if I can manage to find a fucking job. I'm serious in that if I don't find one soon, I'm going to have to leave.