I had an extremely productive day, and I feel very good about myself. I know I need to go to sleep soon, but I don't want this day to end because I fear that I won't have another one like it for a while. I've been spending a lot of time with great people in these past few weeks, and I know that my growing relationships with these friends are the reason that I'm starting to feel happiness again. I'm starting to feel that human connection again, and I'm surprised at how quickly I became 100 percent comfortable. I guess I'm still hesitant to discuss this in detail because I'm afraid I'll screw something up in doing so.
Anyway, rehearsal went very well today. It went a little more the way that I am used to practices going. When you have to learn an entire ten-minute set of music and drill in four days or so, there's very little time for fucking around. Our practices were three to four hours long, and we worked pretty much the whole time. And that's how I'm comfortable when there's something that needs to be done. Interruptions usually agitate me. I mean, I love screwing around as much as the next person, but never for more than a minute or two in what is supposedly a structured rehearsal setting. Hell, I was that weird fuck who could keep going after a twelve-hour practice. I mean, this last summer proved a little different since almost everything in my life was going wrong, and I was on the verge of breaking down every night. But I get really focused and do much better in structured situations.
I'm sure that not everyone I'm working with right now has experienced how intense a rehearsal can get. Emotionally taxing is one thing, but I've been through some pretty physically and mentally painful practices. It's something interesting that I bring to the table. It's a different perspective. But it's good that there is a balance there. Someone like me is likely to go to an extreme that others may not be comfortable with, and working with these different perspectives has been really helpful for me. I need to learn how to do it, and I need to learn that other people have different limits in terms of attention, endurance, etc. But a part of me believes that I know what I'm doing when it comes to creating structure and organizing efficient practices. I'm an orderly and logical person, and this is something that I should use for the benefit of others as well.
I'm starting to step up, and I think that's doing something for my confidence as well. I still get a little irritated when people completely ignore things that I say. I'm not sure if people aren't hearing me, but then someone else always ends up saying the same thing ten minutes later. I shouldn't say that. It happens frequently, and that is frustrating. It does NOT happen all the time. But it feels terrible when it does. I am fine with people disagreeing with me. That's how things get done. But when it is as if I've never spoken, it's hard to feel present in the space anymore. I've noticed that I start to check out if it keeps happening. I've really been trying to make an effort not to do this to other people for the past few years, and my experience with Rainbow has definitely been a help. I've been working with HMH for about 9 months now, and I know that every person in this troupe has something valuable to offer, and I appreciate hearing all these diverse perspectives.
I need to trust that I know what I'm doing.
I think I'll say this to everyone:
The most difficult part of being in any sort of leadership position, officially or not, is finding that balance between being confident in your personal abilities and trusting that others are just as capable, if not more in certain circumstances. That's been difficult for a lot of us in this troupe. Many of us are still figuring this out. We feel that we absolutely know best sometimes and refuse to back down, while at other times, we stay silent and completely doubt ourselves, even if we have something important to contribute. I'm going to be honest because we all deserve that, at least. Monday was an example of what happens when we're all on the more confident end of that spectrum. And a lot of us struggled with going to the extreme of that, finding it more important to say what we had to say rather than coming up with a compromise as a solution. We eventually did, and I'm quite proud of the fact that we got through that. What tends to happen after such an incident is a proportionally extreme shift in the opposite direction. It's happened to us before. We've run into some stressful situations, where it seems like we are all fighting, and many of us have failed to speak up when we really wanted/needed to. But there are some people, in every situation, who don't shift as markedly. And that's something that definitely comes with experience. You learn your own leadership/cooperative style after a while, and you are more comfortable being consistent in how you express your opinions and visions. We are naturally going to come to a greater number of professional disagreements as these different styles develop. We will clash. It is important that we recognize that these are NOT personal disagreements and to also keep your own motives in check. Are you disagreeing with someone because you have a personal issue with that person? If your best buddy in the troupe had said the same thing, would you still be in disagreement? Sorry if this seems random to anyone, but I think it's important for ALL of us to work on that balance because, even though it is a very individualized attribute, a person's particular style of working in a group necessarily must evolve depending on the other styles present in the group. Keep this in mind when we meet in the future, and definitely think about how you worked with the group nine months ago versus how you do now. I'm definitely happy with the way I'm progressing, and I hope you guys are too.
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Hopefully that goes well. Again, I have to trust myself.
I think I had some other direction to go in as well, but I don't remember now.
I'm glad that I am writing almost every day again. I feel like so much less is bottled up inside of me, and having people who care to read the things I am trying to relate is helpful. Getting that feedback is helpful.
Oh, I did that robot thing again today. I'm getting less afraid of showing that part of myself to people as well. I'm thinking of taking the tape measurer to the GLCC tomorrow to see how close I was with the room measurement. Haha...tomorrow. It's 6:30AM.
I remember. I remember getting angry after seeing a commercial for a popular sitcom in which the main character is going on a blind date. Now, most shows manipulate the blind date scenario such that the protagonist is paired with some comically unfortunate person. The audience is meant to regard the situation as one big joke being played on the protagonist. In this particular situation, the woman he is paired with happens to be transgender, or at least that is what the writers of this show would like to indicate by allowing a heteronormative male to create a stereotypical caricature of a transwoman as a man in a wig and dress speaking in a falsetto voice. This is fucking disgusting. Seriously. Would people fucking LAUGH at this situation if he were paired with a black woman? A disabled woman? (I hate to say it, but they unfortunately WOULD still laugh if he were paired with a heavy woman too.) I love how popular media still thinks it's okay to make a mockery of the lived experience of another human being. Do you know how fucking TERRIFYING such a scenario would be for a real transwoman? How trans people are affected by the issue of dating all the time? Is there not one person working on this television show for this major broadcasting network who might have seen some recent news about a transwoman being beaten in a restaurant?! Is there seriously not one person there who thinks this is despicably tasteless and completely inappropriate given the temporal proximity of the aforementioned event? Well, America, we have a long way to go. Sigh.
I'm sorry about the profanity, but this is something that gets me ANGRY. There ARE people out there who know better, but they refuse to step in because they want to put something out there for mass consumption. There are probably people working on this show that know better, but they are more worried about making a profit from this television program than anything else. They are making money off of the perpetuation of stereotypes and discrimination faced by our community. And that's just, well, SICK.
I want to live in a world where there's nothing out of the ordinary about that blind date scenario, and I wonder if I'll ever live to see that. I want to live in a world where people like me are not constantly the butt of the joke.
I can't stop thinking about this. But it's a bit of a jump from the previous topic.
I'm very happy that Chaz Bono has gotten media attention because of his transition because he has taken the opportunity to educate the people he does reach. His interview with Letterman was fantastic, for the most part. However, here is the sad truth. If this were a transwoman, the response would most definitely not have been as positive. The major reason that Chaz has been so well accepted is that he looks, sounds, and acts like a heteronormative man. Put a transwoman in that situation whose voice is masculine, who is 6-foot-6, etc. The negative comments would have been far worse and far more numerous. This is an issue that has been driving me crazy since I started this whole process. It hits me harder at certain times than others, but...I HAVE IT EASY. I can walk down the street, and no one would think twice about it. I have the choice to tell people about my history as a female. I have the choice to come out or not. Many, many transwomen never have this choice. And they must ALWAYS be on guard. ALWAYS live in fear. I can't even fucking imagine that, and I have so much respect for my trans sisters that I can't express it. They are the strong ones. They are part of the reason I will never be stealth. I owe it to them. I owe it to them to keep fighting until we can ALL walk safely down our streets.
And with that, I'm going to sleep for a little.
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