Knowing

I've been surprisingly stable throughout certain events of the past week or so that have done a great job of dragging me back into memories that I've been avoiding, whether consciously or not.
I think it started during a group number rehearsal with HMH, and I didn't like what I became during that particular rehearsal. I fell back into not saying anything, and I'm still not sure if I did the right thing or not, but I do feel that there just wasn't room for any more tension in the room at the time. Someone needed to be quiet and calm. I wasn't calm, but I was collected enough to know what needed to be done, and I think things worked out as well as they could have. But I was taken back into a submissive state that made me feel really helpless. I think the way I reacted to it was more upsetting to me. I wanted to stand up for what I thought was right in that situation, but I could only be silent and watch. And that was really frightening. I felt like I was ten years old again, watching my family fight and trying to get up the courage to say something, but maybe I was afraid of having something bad happen if I finally did. That would only make sense.
Then I performed one of the most difficult numbers I've ever attempted on Saturday. It was extremely personal for me, and it really took me back into that space of being tortured as I went through school. That experience very well could have been my reality. I remember my brother and I being beaten and humiliated and threatened every single fucking day. I remember what it felt like to be so fucking alone and depressed that I just wanted to die, and I wasn't even a teenager yet. I never brought a gun to school, but I could have been that person. And that's terrifying. My brother was beaten almost to death by five people on his first day of senior year of high school. They ripped out his insulin pump and left him there to die. And that's the point at which his life started to really change. After years and years of dealing with shit from people, he just couldn't take it anymore. He never really recovered after switching schools, and he stopped caring about himself. And I remember what it felt like to be a new kid in 4th grade, not allowed to sit with the girls because I didn't look like them. And when I wouldn't leave the boys' table, a few of them decided to pick up my chair with me still in it while another took my head and smashed it off the corner of the table. So I would sit by myself at a cubicle-like desk that had been placed off to the side of the lunch tables. And people would still find their way over to mock me and scream inches away from my face. I remember having to be dragged out of the car kicking and screaming, getting stabbed in the face with a pencil, having my shit destroyed, getting ice balls thrown at my face, having to eat in the bathroom to avoid the people who always tried to put things in my food. You can only take so much of people thinking you're retarded or inhuman or an IT before they break you. And I was broken for a really fucking long time. And I know it seems like I am ranting about this for no reason, but I want you to get the idea. I want you to know how it feels to be in that situation, even though you may never fully appreciate its intensity.
I don't think I went a single day without crying. I remember my mom coming back to the car and finding me with an open container of anti-freeze. That was the second closest I have ever been, and I still can't believe it.
I have taken a lot of shit in my life. I have the ability to deal with a lot of shit. But that doesn't make it okay.
I don't know how else to say what I need to say. Tonight bothered me so much because I saw an insanely strong person cry for the first time. I know what it feels like to be pushed to that point--to just not be able to fucking take it anymore. I almost lost it then because I literally felt the same pain, and I didn't expect it, and I almost didn't know what to do with it. Sometimes teasing isn't teasing. And a side comment with even a hint of malice in it can be the one thing that pushes someone over the edge. You have no idea what the fuck is going on in someone else's life at any given moment, which is exactly why you need to be aware of what you are saying and doing. If you want to talk about what it feels like to be in a room full of people and feeling like everyone is laughing at you or hates you or doesn't take you seriously or doesn't even think you have human feelings, then believe me, I know all too well what that is like, in more than one circumstance. And I was taken back there tonight, after just revisiting a lot of my most traumatic past experiences, and I absolutely cannot sit back without saying something, even if it is to an internet audience, even if I am dismissed in person. And I want the whole world to know that I don't think this kind of thing is okay. And it really, REALLY hurts me.
When you can't even have an iota of compassion when seeing someone react like that, I have to question what else you are capable of. I was disgusted. I cannot hide how I feel about this.
I'll give you a relevant and recent example--one of many. I put my heart and soul into the drumline, but no matter what I did, there were always a significant number of people who were never going to appreciate me and who did their best to take shots at me whenever I was out of the room and sometimes even when I was sitting right there. And I was always fighting a losing battle. And I had to go back every day for more of that. But I kept going back because of the few people I really connected with and because I absolutely loved what I was doing musically. And I desperately wanted that connection with other people and had no idea why the fuck they kept shutting me out or what their problem was. The biggest problem seemed to be the confidence I had gained in myself. I would not be quiet about things that were important to me, and I began to voice my rather strong opinions. And we obviously saw how that worked out. (I'm still working on coming to an adult resolution to that situation, and I hope for the best, but there are some ties that will never be able to be repaired, and I am still feeling the pain from that.)
Even if you don't like a person, nobody deserves to be treated like that. We all fuck this up, but when we do and are called on it, we had better feel SOMETHING unselfish in that situation.
I know I'm probably going to get shit for this. People might think it's immature to write about it on the internet, but I think the broader message is really important here, and it's really quite simple. Treat other people like people.

What else?
Never take yourself too seriously.
Move forward.
Act with purpose.
Listen to the e's. (ask if you don't understand)
This is supposed to be FUN.

I need to come back to writing later because I'm getting worked up again. But I am glad I said these things. I am also proud of myself for taking five minutes for myself when I really needed it, and nothing bad happened. I was in control. And that was amazing. In the midst of chaos...