Boring Shit

I finally gained access to my grades from this past semester, and they weren't that great. Actually, they pretty much sucked, and by that I mean I got a few B+'s, an A+, and a D+. I've never done that poorly in school, and I don't give a shit. I graduated with over a 3.8 even with that hideous blemish on my transcript, and now I have two degrees that aren't really doing much for me right now, are they? I also managed to sort out the problem with the reimbursements from the Pitt show, which means I should have a sizable check coming my way next week, which will probably go to pay bills that should have been paid a long time ago, meaning I will still have absolutely no money.
I haven't really had a break from drag in weeks, and I really don't mind. I don't do much otherwise, aside from going to the gym and playing with my band once a week. When I go to practice, I am with my friends, and I feel like I'm doing something productive and being social at the same time. It just sucks when I have to come home and be alone again. Everyone else that was there tonight went to be with someone else afterwards. I'm getting stuck on that sentence--on that thought. I just want to cry. I'm a huge sap. What can I say?
Being by myself hasn't been all bad. It's obvious that I just need that sometimes. But I want to be able to choose it. I don't work well when that's my default. And there is a great bit of difference between being alone and being lonely. And I feel like I am lonely all the time or close to it. And it's not even overwhelming a majority of the time. It's just something that's always there. Just something that makes me sigh a little bit. Knowing that things aren't going to change any time soon isn't helping. Knowing that I don't stand a chance is definitely not helping.
Maybe it's living with other people when I'm alone that I am not good at. I mean, even when I lived with housemates before, I was with someone, and I had that connection. I wasn't really alone. We were together almost every night anyway. It's so weird, but I feel so much less trapped when I'm with another person. I don't know why I choose to keep writing about this because it means that I'm choosing to subject you to it again. I suppose this is just my way of processing, and I feel like the people who actually care enough to read this are the people to whom I need to communicate these thoughts anyway. If other people happen to read it, I'm fine with that. I do have my secrets, but I'm not afraid of the repercussions of revealing myself in this way. And I have been doing a lot better since I've been writing more. But no one wants to talk about it anymore. At the end of the day, I'm in my bed alone. And I wake up alone. And sometimes there's just no motivation to leave. I was supposed to get up early today again, and I didn't. I keep wondering how much of this being alone thing is my fault. I feel like I will know when I can be with someone pretty quickly, and I finally got to that point a few weeks ago (or maybe it actually has been much longer, as one of my friends believes), but now I am kicking myself every time I start letting my mind wander down that path. But I also feel that I'm terrible at hiding my emotions for an extending period of time, and I probably slip up a lot, and everyone notices, and then I look really dumb. But I look dumb a lot of the time, so maybe not.

I cleaned the bathroom today, and I actually felt really good while doing it. Part of it is having some clearly defined task and seeing it through to completion. But I think that reminded me of what it felt like to clean my own bathroom back at Dawson. I felt like I was home again for a little while, and it was extraordinarily calming. I get weird when cleaning because I like knowing that it's okay if I move or touch something that isn't mine. I think I have a really hard time accomplishing a cleaning task when that isn't the case. There is the possibility that I can move to a place that doesn't have any rent, which would mean I would feel much less guilty about my situation, but I fear that I would have the same issues, and this would be living with a person I just met and several people that I don't really know. That's going to take a lot, but I will be meeting them soon and hanging out with them. And it would be in an area that's much closer to everywhere that I need to be at any point in my current life. It's something I have to think about. And I guess I should probably see the place first. Maybe I just need to have control over something in my life. Maybe I just need to make that choice because having that ability would feel great. I don't know. I really don't know what I need right now in terms of a living situation, at least not entirely.

It makes sense. I don't entirely know what I am doing with my life right now. The problem is that I think I need to sort out the other matters before I'll really know that. And I don't know how long that is going to take. I really hope someplace just fucking calls me back about a job already. This is getting to be kind of absurd. I need to find something before the summer is over.

I just started thinking about how fast I was typing. I used to marvel at the way my mom could type. It seemed so fast, and I didn't understand how anyone could do it without looking at the keys. It took me a lot longer to be able to do that confidently, and I still occasionally look down to check myself, even though I probably don't have to. But it was just something that very slowly developed into what it is now--my typing ability. I probably type much faster than my mom at this point. I can generally move pretty quickly, no matter what it is that I'm doing, so that only makes sense.

I need to make some decisions. I hate that.

I don't know how it got to be this late. I'm freaking out about tomorrow because I need to run through a number with someone. I actually need to be awake early tomorrow. I should sleep then, it seems. Sorry this wasn't much of an interesting post. I'll think of something fun for next time.