Post-Pride Thoughts

So I've been in Annapolis for slightly longer than two weeks, with Capital Pride being this past weekend. For some reason I feel like I have been here much longer than that. Maybe it's the same reason I feel like I have known so many of the new people in my life for years. I feel at home. I feel like I will be able to make this place a home for myself--establish myself in a way that I've never been able to do before.

 For the first four or five days, I had a pretty difficult time adjusting. I felt sure that I would lose the ability to plan out my life and get myself to the gym and to job interviews and to potential shows, and the only thing I could think about at all was how much I missed my family and how much of their lives I would be missing. I'm not exactly sure what happened to change my outlook. I began to focus more on myself and what I had rather than others and what I would be missing. As much as I will always miss my family when I am away from them, I cannot live my life like I'm watching a movie. I've been sitting by watching others experience happiness by living their lives to the fullest. I love my family. We have become so close in this past year alone, and that is something that I never want to lose. If I can, I'd like to see them at least once a month. My outlook has changed quite a bit since college, as I am starting to more fully grasp the concept of my own mortality and theirs. It is hard to imagine life without them, impossible to envision never getting to be with them again. But that day will come, and I have no idea if that will be twenty years from now or forty or even tomorrow. I also don't know how I will be able to handle their getting old. It will only remind me that it eventually happens to everyone, even me, fucking Peter Pan.
Anyway, the obsessive thoughts about what they were doing and how I could not be a part of those experiences subsided and made room for thoughts about my own present and future. I have found a new gym and am taking full advantage of it, and I have found one job already working at a gym that hasn't even opened yet. Even though I don't have much fitness sales experience, the owner was willing to give me the opportunity because my passion is something that can't be faked. That and apparently I sound great on the phone. I may also get the opportunity to help teach kids' classes, and I'll be able to shadow the trainers there as well, hopefully allowing me to get my certification pretty soon. I've had more interviews and job offers in the last two weeks than I have in two years trying to get jobs after college. I was actually able to turn down a job today. I hate retail and never want to do it again, so I declined the interview for Vitamin Shoppe because I know how miserable that makes me. I don't have to settle. And that makes me feel amazing. Just having the ability to make that choice is uplifting and makes me feel much less stuck.
Part of the problem with Wilkes-Barre is that it made me feel like I would be exactly where I was for the rest of my life, and not just in the physical sense. Even though I love this place and feel at home, I feel like there is so much promise in my life. I feel like big things can come my way. I feel like I am in control of making them happen. I feel like I am in control. It may not be perfect, but I have waited so long to feel like that, even just a little. I am making things happen for myself, which means I CAN make things happen for myself. I'm trying to enjoy it without thinking too much, but of course, that never works out very well for me. So I am thinking.
I am thinking about all the ways in which I can live my life. And it is hard to make a decision about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I miss Neuroscience, but Public Health will probably provide more job opportunities that can actually be useful to the community. And with any luck, I will get to combine my passion for both of these fields at some point. But now comes the hard part: Where do I apply? Do I stay in this area or try to get back to Pittsburgh? Do people in Pittsburgh even care enough anymore? I'm sure some do, but I am also sure that some people expect and hope that they will never see me again. A phone call every now and then would be nice. Maybe even a text that lets me know that someone still cares. But even if they don't, I have options.

Pride is different here. It was so much bigger. The parade was much longer, and people seemed much more excited about it. The festival itself was similar, but again, it was much bigger. I absolutely loved being a part of that parade. I loved getting to meet Ken Vegas, learning that he's just a real person--albeit an extremely talented one--and hopefully sparking a new friendship with someone just as interesting in the geeky kind of shit that I am. I loved that people were cheering for us and taking pictures--loved dancing in the street to the music blaring out of a speaker propped up in the back of a little red car with a big golden crown on top of it. I loved being able to provide that energy for people. I loved seeing the look on their faces when I jumped over three feet in the air...Everything about that day and the following night at the DC Kings' show (let's not even talk about the Saturday show), where I truly felt like a member of the family, even though I am not officially part of the troupe yet. This is how we should be as entertainers. No matter where we or from or what style we bring to the stage, we are family, and we all have at least that in common, if not more. I really felt that sense of brotherhood again, and if I could cry about anything that actually mattered, I'd be bawling right now. That is what I miss most about the HMH we started in 2010. Watching it turn sour hurt me so much. It was like losing a child. Maybe more like losing myself. Because I did lose myself to that. I lost what I had left of me, which wasn't much at the time. And when I tried to save myself, it only backfired. I am glad to see that things are finally starting to get back to the way they used to be.
Slight topic shift: Being single at pride is completely different than being with someone at pride. I didn't notice this much last year since I had other things on my mind. Last night, I realized that I may not know how to approach a relationship in a healthy way. I have only ever been a part of relationships where I have felt that I needed that other person to complete me. Even without being dependent on the other person, I would always lose myself in the relationship. I'd fall in love with the other person and his or her passions. I'd be so involved in them and us that I'd forget all about me. I've been in long-term relationships for a good majority of my adult life, and it's been almost a year and a half since I have not been. I am finding myself again. I am learning what it is that I love when I am all by myself. I am learning what makes me happy. I'm really learning how to live all alone for the rest of my life and still feel fulfilled. I still cannot shake that feeling of something being missing, but it is much less pressing than it has been. The problem is that now that I don't NEED anyone (or now that I am at least very close to that point), I am not sure how to get close to someone. I can't make myself vulnerable enough. I cannot find a way to bring down the wall. I don't know what I should be looking for in someone else either. And I still fear that no one will be able to handle me at my worst. I don't want anyone to have to, but I know that being with someone means that that someone will eventually get to know my darker side. Maybe I have to become more comfortable with that before I can move into the relationship arena.

Pride?

Pittsburgh Pride 2012. I have way too much to say about this to start writing in the middle of a Dunkin Donuts that I'm going to have to leave in a few minutes. There are way too many people here, and I need to begin the journey back to Lincoln so I can begin the journey home. I did a lot during Pride. I got a lot accomplished and had some great conversations, met some wonderful new people. But I'm not really sure I had a good time, overall. I didn't have a bad time. But I'm not sure if it was fun. It's pretty pathetic to wear a crown, march in a parade, and have people within the community ask the question, "What are you supposed to be?" But I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything more. Drag queens were mentioned as handing out beads during Pride, but the Post Gazette failed to mention drag kings. Then there was the drag queen who introduced me in the following way: "This is Dylan. She's a girl." I had more negative interactions like that than positive ones, frankly. I spent most of my time on guard during a time when I am supposed to not have to worry about this stupid shit. And another time, when I finally thought things were going to calm down and the fighting was going to stop, I was quickly reminded of my place as I watched a whole group of people-who-are-not-Dylan join the rest of them. This was the first time during Pride when I felt like I didn't really belong. I've always gone with groups of people. I took a cab this year and spent a few minutes talking to people here and there. Thursday was the best night for me, by far. And I had more fun doing the non-Pride related things with my friends than I did on Sunday. I feel like there are more and more ignorant assholes at Pride every year, and the worst part about it is that even the sober ones have no interest in learning. They'd like to remain ignorant and keep saying hateful things.
Tonight, I'll be taking a cab downtown by myself again and getting on a bus to go back to another place where I'm going to feel just as alone. Maybe it doesn't matter where I am. In that case, I guess I can go anywhere I want to. But this whole week has really killed my motivation to be or do anything. There's more, but I need to get away from this awkward circle of college freshmen.

Parts of Pride

Now that I have a spacebar, I can type ridiculously fast again, though I must say I was getting really good at hitting that little dot exactly in the middle of the two alt keys. You never know when a skill like that could come in handy...

The official festivities for Pittsburgh Pride have come to an end, though I'm still pretty overloaded with drag-related commitments for the remainder of the month. I'll be performing this Saturday, next Thursday and Friday, and July 1st. And for some reason, I decided it would be a good idea to do a hot spot on Friday. I suppose I thought that, even though I am already fucking swamped, not many people were going to jump on that, and although it's going to be a huge pain in the ass, it'll create less drama in the end if I just do it.

I don't know if I have processed everything completely yet. It all happened so quickly, and there was so much work to be done that I really didn't have a lot of time to think about what I was doing while I was actually doing it. And I'm not sure that I have that much time right now either, but I'm a little less overwhelmed than I was about a week ago. The boy band number went very well on stage, and aside from the adjustments I needed to make because of the stickiness of the stage in the beginning, I am extremely happy with how our side improved from the first time to the second. I have a lot of theories about why our side works well togther, and it is a combination of things, and the same is true about the other side. I'm speaking about sides in the number, of course, not in real life, in case anyone gets funny ideas about that. The whole number was well received, and I think we might see a lot of new faces at our next show, which is why I am getting a tad nervous about not knowing how much has been put into that show. I really want to get a jump on things so that we aren't always rushing to get things worked out a week or two before the show. I think that will come in the next few months as we wind down from pride, but it is going to take an initial push that might be unpleasant and exhausting.

It was ridiculous to see my name on that poster (which is now sitting in our living room) and to be on that stage. It wasn't the biggest crowd I've ever had, but it was probably the one that had the potential to be the most critical and least receptive to the idea of a drag king, especially one who identifies as a transman. And I literally saw their minds changing as the number progressed. I saw some heads explode, made some old lesbians blush, and definitely made an impression on Pittsburgh that day. Despite the change of plans and then the change back to the original plan, which probably freaked me out even more since I was already starting to get used to the idea of the first change of plans, I not only did what I needed to do, but did it without fear or hesitation. I don't think I stopped smiling for the rest of the day. Nothing was going to bring me down that day, and it was pretty sweet to have all these random people want to take pictures with you. I felt like a fucking rockstar. Someone came up to me after my performance and told me that I was just born to be an entertainer, and that really meant a lot to me. And I'm not sure where to go with that from here. It deserves more thought than I can give to it in one night.

The rest of Sunday was equally enjoyable. I showered quickly in order to remove random pieces of latex and extraneous patches of paint. Then it was off to Cattivo for food and beer and epic dancing. I'm not entirely sure how it was possible that I puked that night because I was just lying in bed when it hit me out of nowhere, but it does make sense given the amount of alcohol I drank and the rapidity with which it had been consumed. I've spent the last few days trying to get things in my life organized while also practicing for this weekend. I've really enjoyed that. These two days of practice have been some of the least stressful of all, and they've been pretty productive. I really hope we have a good turnout on Saturday because these performances are going to be awesome, and many of them are going to be on a different level than a lot of people are used to. I don't do very serious political things very often, but this is the perfect opportunity for me to use a cathartic drag performance as a political voice. I think, regardless of who you are, you're going to see a side of me that you've never known before. I really urge you to come (and to buy a cheap advance ticket from me!)

I really don't know what comes next. I've been busy living in the present for the last few months. That has both advantages and disadvantages.

I think my train of thought has crashed into a wall.