Distracted

I'm supposed to be studying now, but I can't concentrate. I've been thinking about something for a few days, and it's been something I've thought about in the past. I really never thought I would have to think about a decision like this. It's hard for me to even mention it. If I did make the decision, I'd be absolutely annihilating any chance of joining the military. And I can't even begin to think about the reaction I'd get from my family. I've just had this ridiculous knot in my stomach for about three days. I have no idea what I should do. Part of me wants to do what I have always done and just forget about it for a while and to tell myself that I come pretty damn close anyway. I'm sure everyone knows what the hell I'm talking about by now, and maybe that's a little scary too. And maybe it's not something that I should do. How am I supposed to know? There's a part of me that wants to do, and there are parts of me that are terrified of what could happen to me (on many levels). But I guess if I weren't scared out of my mind, I'd really have something to worry about. And I don't even know because some days, I look in the mirror and I'm perfectly happy. But sometimes I'm not. Sometimes things just don't match up, but there are times when things feel perfectly aligned. And I worry about the same things that everyone does, I suppose. I wonder what my friends would do. I'm sitting in my office now, and it's taking a lot of energy to keep myself from breaking down and crying. I have a meeting with someone at 1, and I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate on what I have to do. I really wish I could take some time, but I doubt it'd be helpful. I'd probably just browse the internet and worry more. If I could start studying, that would take my mind off of things, but I really don't know if I should ignore this anymore. And maybe nothing will come of this, but it's still nice to know that you have everything in order--to be sure of it all. I keep wondering if this is what is supposed to happen to me. Has my life pointed to something like this all along? I guess if you look at any pictures of me, well, ever, you might think so, but until a few years ago, it was never something that crossed my mind either way. I've always just been myself, and it's never mattered one way or the other. Part of me thinks that there would be no reason to do it because I would still be me. But part of me thinks I might be a happier or more confident me. I'm really not sure, and I wish I had a clue of what to do. I can't even believe this is happening. And I have no idea what to do about the part of me that just enjoys being a little different and enjoys messing with perceptions. My head just feels so heavy. Maybe it just comes in cycles and I will forget about it. But the thought has more than crossed my mind more than once. I guess this is why they make you try it out first. Even that seems like it would be exceedingly complicated. God, I hate pronouns. When you think about it, that's really the only thing that would change if I were to try it. And maybe no matter what I am, I'm always going to be a queer. I'm going to wear the same clothes that I have. I'm going to do the same things I've always done. Too much is happening in my head right now. Web effect. I would love to talk to someone about this, but I would hate for that person to assume that I'm like everyone else who has thought about this before. I would hate to be labeled before I got a chance to say anything. Objectivity is the enemy here, which is rather unsettling for me. And ultimately, it's a decision that I have to make, but I don't believe that means I should make it alone. And part of me wants to say that if people could just stop paying attention to stuff like this, there would be no need for such changes. Fuck. Everything only ever happens all at once, it seems. It's 12:34. I'm making a wish.