Pre-Voyage Ranting

Nothing horrendous happened today, but it ended up being one of those absolutely shitty days because so many little things occurred today that either pissed me off or depressed me deeply. And sometimes they did both. I'd never been happier to get out of practice early than today, and I suppose that feeling has been building for months now. I'm just proud of myself for not snapping right there. But an hour later, I ended up alone in the bathroom of Posvar writing a "secret" that no one will read--that will most likely be rubbed away by the night maintenance staff. It doesn't make sense that feelings like that should wash away so easily. I copied it down because I thought it was important, but I don't want to put it all here. It's not like it was terribly long, but there's a point in it that sticks with me now more than the others, and I'll bring it up because it's not necessarily part of my current psychological crisis, though it is related.
I'm never going to understand why it is just absolutely unacceptable for me to do certain things, while other people can do the same things and to a greater degree without others thinking anything of it, though I get bitched out for it. I'm really getting annoyed with it. And I don't say anything because I'm already the odd one out. I'm the intrinsic outcast. In existing, I am already breaking rules and pushing things just a bit too far. And sometimes I just want that to stop. There are so many times when I want to be considered normal--for people to think that things I do are part of my personality and unique to me and to stop comparing me to other people with whom I feel I have nothing in common, except maybe that one thing down there.

Maybe I've been thinking about this so much because people wouldn't have to look past the outside to see the real me. I feel like my body is a brick wall between me and the rest of the world. If I didn't have to worry about it, how much of an easier time would I have relating to people? No matter what I put on, people make assumptions that are never going to be quite right, and while that is probably true for everyone else in the world as well, like I said before, I'm already in the red. Nothing about me would be weird if I hadn't been born this way. Not having a side to go to can be pretty fucking lonely. And maybe that's something that's never going to change anyway. Why do I feel so far away from everyone? Do I have to fight to get past the same wall? This is absurd.
I'm doing everything I can not to cry because there's no point in shedding tears for these fucking bastards. There's no point in crying because maybe people don't even realize what they are doing. Maybe nothing is even happening and I'm just insane. This is just one of those times when I feel that I don't belong anywhere, and it's hitting me pretty hard right now. I'm so fucking worried about this trip. I'm worried about spending that much time on a bus with people and trying to relate to them, not all of them because I know that I've got good friends in some of them, but many of them. I just hate when I say something and everyone just fucking stares at me like it's the weirdest thing they've ever heard. And this happens almost everywhere I go, and it's been happening my entire life. I know I'm not stupid, but I feel incompetent when I try to initiate a conversation and it just dies right in front of me. And this always has to happen in front of a shitload of people, of course.
And maybe the world and I will never quite understand each other no matter what I do. I wish I could figure it all out. I wish everything that other people did made sense to me. I wish I knew how to act all the time. I wish I knew more of the rules. But maybe I wouldn't follow them anyway because some of them are just so fucking stupid, and I don't see how they could fool anyone. Do people think this world would fall apart if we just cut the fucking bullshit already? Or do people just want to spare their own feelings by attempting to spare the feelings of others every once in a while? Drop your egos and grow some fucking balls. I have no problem when people call me out on shit. I just can't stand hypocrisy, and I can't stand wasting time. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. About anything. This is absurd.