Identity

Last semester I took a course called Deaf and Society. Since a large part of this course involved examine Deaf identity, our professor gave us an exercise in determining for ourselves the most important components of our respective identities. We were told to list five things about ourselves, and as we finished our lists, we each walked to the board to jot them down. Some walked more purposefully than others; some more hesitantly than others. I was freaking out because I had recently begun defining another part of my identity--carving it out of the marble--and I was worried that it wouldn't be ready to reveal. But that's not the part that interests me most. Every list began in the same way. "Woman." "Man." Is this really how people define themselves above all else? For me, having that at the top of the list seems stupid. It tells me nothing about that person at all, though it may provide me with a huge list of stereotypes about that particular classification. Let's just say that my list didn't begin that way. In fact, neither one of those words was even on my list. Even our professor's list began with that item, and I was almost certain that it would have begun with "Deaf" since that seems to be the most prominent part of her identity. She mentioned that Man/Woman always comes first for her because it's just so obvious, so inherent, a basic fact of life, something that just IS. I was astounded, but only for a moment. That's the way a lot of people see things. They don't even question these things. Well, you know what? It's not always as obvious as you might believe. And it's never as clear cut as you think. And it's not something that needs to be the sun of our social universe. And it scares me that not one other person in that room firstly mentioned a quality of personality or something truly defining to the individual. Instead, I saw a homogeneous set of responses that made me want to scream. People weren't reporting who they think they are. They were reporting the presence of a certain set of genitals and/or hormones. This isn't to say that you can't be proud of being whatever gender you are. But is that really the most important thing that you can list about yourself? Is that really how you would like to be defined if you could only choose one word to do it? And maybe I'm just really weird in that I've spent pretty much my entire life without ever placing myself into either one of those categories. It's not like I wasn't aware of my own body, and it's not that I forced myself to believe anything. I grew up being a person, doing whatever I wanted and being however I wanted without questioning whether the behavior was appropriate to my perceived gender role. People always say things like boys shouldn't do this or girls shouldn't do that, but that never mattered. Yes, I did a lot of stereotypically male things, but I also enjoyed a lot of pastimes that are considered female-typical behavior. It just seems silly to say that you can't like something because you have a vagina. But the whole time, I never really conceptualized myself as fitting into the group of girls at my school. And while I always felt more comfortable around the guys and did feel like that group was a better fit, it wasn't exactly a perfect match either. And I didn't think that much of it. That was just how things were for me. And I love that about myself actually. I'm lucky to have grown up with this view. I don't even know how that happened, especially considering the area in which I was raised. I was naturally different, and maybe there were a lot of people who tried to change me, but my parents were never among them. I don't think they knew exactly what they were doing, but they were essentially raising a gender neutral child. I am reminded of a few times in my life when my parents encouraged me to pass just because it would make things a little easier (shorter lines for restrooms, 100 degree days at the ballpark, etc.). They saw nothing wrong with this, and they saw nothing wrong with how I dressed, cut my hair, or spoke. I never understood why it mattered that some clothes were placed under a sign that said "BOYS" and that some were placed under a sign that said "GIRLS". I always wanted to tell people that they were allowed to walk over to the other side and try them on. But they probably would have been afraid that they might like it. This is such a complicated issue, and I'd love to say more about it, but the whole thing has been haphazardly thrown together because I just couldn't stand holding it in any longer. It's funny. I'm about to go to a college party at the Drumline house. If you want a striking display of heteronormativity, go to a party thrown by straight kids. It's like a mating ritual.