Suppose I Wasn't Finished

I guess I didn't get enough of what I needed to get out in that last post because my brain is still going at 6:15 in the morning. I should be asleep already. Usually, I crash right after shows, but when something hits me this hard, there's no way to calm myself back down, and I don't want to become dependent on the medication that I've been using to help myself fall/stay asleep. What happened tonight was probably the only thing that could have bothered me tonight, and of course, I have some of the worst luck in the world, so it did. I mean, I suppose there could have been a fistfight, but I think I knew that the best thing to do was to just not tell anyone what happened until after the show (except for the person who came to check on me to make sure I was okay). The way I felt after that just makes me realize how much I really do care about this person and the friendship that we had. I put a lot of myself into relationships with other people. I put a lot out there, and I give a small piece of myself to the other person, and these pieces are different for every person. I don't want to lose any more pieces of myself, and I don't want to be bitter or vindictive. I just don't want to deal with drama anymore. I don't want to engage. I don't want this situation to be happening, and the only way it's going to get resolved is with an adult conversation. And I don't feel comfortable having people at my show that are there just to make me uncomfortable or intimidate me. And unless this gets talked out, I think that's what I'm going to have to state. I'm not sure how well that's going to go over. But I feel like it's the only way a conversation might take place--if I put my foot down.
On the plus side, I am extremely proud of myself for handling this situation as professionally as I did. I knew I was getting worked up and that something bad could have happened. I could have freaked out or completely lost it. But I just went in the back, felt crappy for a little, but then I was able to pick myself up and put that issue aside to do my job for the night. And I did so well tonight that it made it that much more impressive to me that I was able to overcome things that have really messed up my shows in the past. But I don't want to have to do that. And that's where I am at right now.
While I am awake, I might as well talk about something completely unrelated. I might be rethinking my plans again about school and whatnot. I love what I am doing now. I love doing that research and writing the articles. I love communicating information to others. I love making science accessible. I keep changing my mind, but what I want to do is keep going with this for the moment. The whole idea of moodtraining is amazing to me, and it fits so well with how I have always lived my life. And as soon as I start looking up grant information, I might be able to secure that as a full-time position because then we would have some money coming in. This is work where the hours just fly by. And it's fun. And I can do it on my own time. And I'm always learning something new. It's given me a lot to think about.
As for the other job, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. And I think even doing it for a little while is going to make talking on the phone that much easier for me. My mentor likes the way I deliver my presentation over the phone, and I'm not as terrified about it as I was initially. The people in my row are pretty awesome and make ridiculous and inappropriate jokes about assholes on the end of the line. And that makes it doable.
I just feel like so many things in my life are slowly moving in a positive direction, and I hate that there are these little things that are holding me down. I want to be in control of those things, but I am powerless at this point. I'll be able to change one of the situations after nationals, but as for the other, I don't know if it's ever going to get any better.
And about that quote. It doesn't have to be drag. It doesn't matter what it is. Life goes on no matter what the hell happens...unless you die, I suppose. Nothing has ever been the end of the world. Now I have to think back to 311 because that always makes me feel better.
"It's alright, wherever you are right now."
And I believe that. I always associate this song with a particular person and a particular purple car. And damn did I have a crush on him for a while. I wonder what he would say if he ever found that out.
The only thing that came out in the last five minutes was...FUCK.
I guess that means it's time to stop.