T

It's the distance between myself
and my thoughts
that got
me coming back.
I'm this.
That.
His life is this life because of the "t"
and the difference between
vial
and vital.
the one letter
that changed my face
into the finest facet
of my life.
it's nice.
the difference between a lie and the light.

My Face is Itchy.

I have no reason to feel as good as I do right now, and maybe it's sad that I am suspicious of that. There are things I don't feel so great about, but I'm not as concerned about the things that normally drive me crazy. And I can't tell if that's good or bad. I can't tell if that means I'm losing motivation even more or if I'll finally be able to move in some sort of direction.

I have no idea where my glasses are, and this upsets me. I think that and the bloated feeling in my stomach are the only things that really concern me right now.

I have so much to say about the Olympics, but I don't know if I can get it all out the right way tonight. Still, it's worth the effort. I'm a ridiculous fan of any sort of activity that involves physical skill. There's something unequivocally captivating about the flexibility of the human mind and body--its ability to become able at so many things. I appreciate that in myself and in others, and I now understand that I can sometimes see it in others when they cannot. Sometimes I am better at seeing that ability in others than I am in myself. I've always been my own worst enemy...well, until I met a certain person. Anyway, to avoid falling down that rabbit hole, let's get back to sports and stuff.

The Olympics is both beautiful and terrible. It's terrible in the ways that most things in modern times are--over-commercialized, wasteful, etc. But that waste and ceremony and pretense make it extraordinary, and I imagine there is nothing like the experience of standing in front of the whole world and being able to show them you are the best there is. People also seem to forget everything else that's going on in the world. Again, that's both a plus and a minus. Honestly, it makes more sense to me to decide major international conflicts with sport than it does with senseless mass murder, though I will acknowledge that former iterations of society had a definition of sport that very frequently included death and serious physical injury. If people have compared global warfare with a grandiose chess match, well, why not just have a chess match? I know it's not that simple, but it has been. And could have been.

But we are animals, and we assert our dominance by killing. By subjugating. By wiping out those who stand in our way, even if that doesn't involve killing them. And these are things that will never stop. All things that are possible will occur, given enough time.

I've been struggling with something lately. I've been having a very difficult time distinguishing my dreams from reality. I was in a panic for about an hour the other day because I had not shown up for my second job in a week or two. However, I don't have a second job. But I did in the dream, at a gym. This happens with conversations as well. I will have such vivid, realistic dreams about conversations with people I know, and then I find out a week later that my memory is based on something that never happened. I'm not going to lie, this worries me. It's maybe been happening for 6 months or so.

In other news, my computer has a fingerprint reader. Unnecessary but awesome.

Best advice this week: "Go PhD! A master's will never be funded, and once you have a doctorate, who's gonna tell you shit?"

Seriously.

Neurogasm

When just thinking about something gets you unbelievably excited, and you feel it from head to toe.

Best Feeling Ever

"Wait...I don't have to care about this anymore!"

First Draft of Playlist

It felt really good to start working on this. I'm surprised by some of the songs that I chose, and I'm even more surprised by the ones that I didn't choose. Let me know if I've missed anything important. I think I'd like to get it to exactly fifty, but that's not set in stone. The order was also an interesting exercise.

1. Stay (New Found Glory)
2. The Kids Aren't Alright (The Offspring)
3. Fuck You (Cee-lo Green)
4. You Can't Always Get What You Want (The Rolling Stones)
5. Applied Science (311)
6. Through the Fire and the Flames (Dragonforce)
7. Sweet Caroline (Neil Diamond)
8. The Little Things (Good Charlotte)
9. Bad Boy Boogie (AC/DC)
10. Everlong (Foo Fighters)
11. Never Ending Summer (311)
12. Aeroplane (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
13. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (The Beatles)
14. Baba O'Reilly (The Who)
15. Quit Your Life (MxPx)
16. King of Wishful Thinking (New Found Glory)
17. Devil in Jersey City (Coheed and Cambria)
18. Perfect (Simple Plan)
19. Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)
20. Hey Jude (The Beatles)
21. The Origin of Love (from Hedwig and the Angry Inch)
22. King for a Day (Green Day)
23. Smile Like You Mean It (The Killers)
24. Love and Pain (New Found Glory)
25. Weightless (All Time Low)
26. Black and Yellow (Wiz Khalifa)
27. Dirty Pop (NSYNC)
28. Magic (B.O.B.)
29. Edge of Glory (Lady Gaga)
30. Fool in the Rain (Led Zeppelin)
31. The Spirit of Radio (Rush)
32. Let Me Go (3 Doors Down)
33. It's Alright (311)
34. Jesus of Suburbia (Green Day)
35. You Get What You Give (New Radicals)
36. Listen to Your Friends (New Found Glory)
37. Set You Free (3OH!3)
38. Ride On (AC/DC)
39. The Taste of Ink (The Used)
40. Golden Girls Theme
41. Honestly (Cartel)
42. I Like How It Feels (Enrique Iglesias)
43. Today My Life Begins (Bruno Mars)

(already have the first changes. will be adding Defying Gravity and Hi Hater to this mix somehow)

New computer

It seems fitting that this is the first place I visit with my new computer. Call it a symptom of growing up in a society more concerned with technology than almost anything else, but my computer is very important to my life, partly because it is the vehicle through which I can access most of the important memories in my life. I felt like my old computer was a fitting symbol for the past seven years, with a heavy emphasis on "past". So much baggage, unnecessary pain and suffering, and outdated ways of dealing with problems of the present. A new computer means a new start, a literal blank slate just waiting for new memories to be recorded. I haven't forgotten the past seven years, which are securely locked away on an enormous external hard drive sitting right next to me, but those years can't be my focus right now. While I would have preferred to wait until I had a bit more money saved, it was definitely becoming urgent: The poor old Dell couldn't even open a Word document without completing freaking out on me, let alone handle what I needed it to do with Photoshop and Audacity. Computer rage is a really interesting phenomenon, and I imagine road rage is similar. There's no reason to be as upset about something so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but somehow, people always get worked up to the point of wanting to throw their computers in the lake. It's actually quite satisfying to have that option.
Maybe we like to break things so much because we enjoy having that power over the material objects that have taken control of our lives. Maybe it's nice to feel that humanity, and maybe it brings us closer to separating ourselves from the supposed "necessities" of our present age. Then again, some people just like to smash shit.

Mostly unrelated: I came out to two more people at work today, and I seriously think I made a girl's brain explode. It never gets old, at least when the good kind of brain exploding happens. However, I am finding it more and more difficult to be the educational voice ALL THE TIME. Sometimes I just want to talk about normal things like being pissed off at the Phillies, not having enough money to get all the cool things I want, and where I want to go on a vacation that I probably won't be able to take for ten more years. I don't mind talking about it, but I find that I am choosing to delay the conversation these days simply because I don't want to spend the next three weeks of my relationship with someone explaining gender theory and all that. And that can get pretty awkward for cash register conversation.

I feel like crying tonight because it feels so wonderful to just let go of the things that have been hurting me. It feels amazing to know that I have the ability to let go and that letting go does not mean giving up. I want to cry because I can't believe that it is getting easier, and I wonder if it should be doing so. Does it make me a bad person to stop caring about the things that once hurt me or affected me so much? If not, what does that mean?

Interjection about work: I got pretty confused when two separate customers decided to "joke" with me about being upset by saying rude things or making negative comments. I definitely did not think either person was joking, and then I became pretty embarrassed by it. It didn't help that the one lady kept laughing at me afterwards, but what can you do?

Also, don't get pissy with me when I ask to see your ID when you've clearly written "Ask for ID" on the back of your card. But this one just makes me laugh.

I still find it very strange that almost everyone at work hangs out with one another, even though there are about 50 people that work there, including my ex from high school, a kid who dated my friend in high school, the supervisor who used to play roller hockey with me, and the occasional formerclassmatecustomer that doesn't recognize me. I was invited to a party next weekend, which I'm assuming means I've infiltrated the social structure of store 342. Christ. I'm fucking weird. lol

I may not be on the verge of freaking out, but there is one thing I would like to have happen. I would like for the heavy feeling in my chest to go away. I've noticed that it's been a constant in my life for years. It's always there. Maybe there are those brief moments when it goes away, but I live in a constant state of anxiety. I never thought anything of that until I learned that most other people don't have that issue, at least not to this degree.

Jon called me out of the blue a few nights ago. At 1230 in the morning. I haven't had that happen--where someone just wanted to talk and didn't want something from me--since we broke up a few months ago. And before that, he was probably the only person that did. I'm not sure who came before that, but I suppose that's irrelevant. Whatever. It was NICE. It was nice to be the person someone could call just to bullshit. It was nice feeling like someone not only needed me but wanted me. Trusted me. Something so simple and so small made me feel important. I need to stop being scared of telephone conversations because if I feel this way about it, maybe some of my friends would appreciate a call from me just as much. A no-strings-attached call. If only I still had all of those numbers.

I am getting so excited for Boston. I haven't had a friend adventure in ages. Hell, I'll probably cry then too, but I've been crying at weird shit lately. Roller coasters, random pictures, etc. I tear up now more than I ever have. Maybe I'm just okay with that now.

I like not having to be anything in particular. But I don't like not knowing what I want to be.

I'm still working on that playlist. I need to make it just as long as the drive to DC will be, which shouldn't be hard since there are some very specific songs attached to my overall memory of Pittsburgh. Is this necessary? For me, yes.

Now, since I'm not able to sleep, I'll listen to more music. I might even get some performance ideas out of this that don't involve publicly humiliating someone else.

Night.

One year ago

I was curious to see how I viewed my life approximately one year ago. If you are too, read the post entitled "something like home". It feels like it has been way longer than a year since I've felt like that. And I am amazed at how quickly so much can change. I can't even believe that that was about my life. Things are so different now that that life feels like a dream.

Letting my thoughts drift

At the core, I am the same person I have always been. Whatever happens outside of me, physically, experientially, or whatever, is separate from the core energy I possess. What is so different now? I suppose it is that I can no longer pretend to be innocent. I am no longer another person's escape from the world. I am not new and exciting but a part of something established, known enough to be known by my faults.
I want to be caught in the rain again without having to care about what comes next, without exception or expectation.
Sometimes our perceptions change because we want things to fit into the present. Even if nothing changes, everything can change. Sometimes we need it to because we wouldn't be able to move forward if it didnt.

What do I need to do? Realize that it's okay to let yourself get wet. The innocence is probably still there, but I've had my guard up for way too long. I don't know what it feels like to just be open and honest, to let myself fall apart or be crazy when I need to, to feel like everyone will understand if I do. I wish I had someone to remind me.
I've come to realize that moving back to Pittsburgh would mean moving back to a place where I am surrounded by people trying to remind me of my incapabilities. I can not live in a place that sees me as helpless and hopeless. That is not the energy I need, and maybe I should have realized that sooner. But if I had, I wouldn't have known where I need to go next.

The song "Closing Time" just started playing in my head, and for some reason that reminded me of the big, black binder of CDs you brought from high school. And then of driving to Cleveland. Nostalgia is a very interesting phenomenon. Then again, so is my brain. Or anyone's.

I don't try to stop myself anymore, if there's anything I have learned
From the mindfulness literature, it's that trying to stop yourself from feeling something is unlikely to be effective. It is just extraordinarily difficult to maintain the belief that it is okay to feel everything that I do--that everything is the way it needs to be at this moment. Even the fear and the rage and the doubt.
This present moment. 530 in the morning. Typing this blog entry on my phone. It is summer. And I am thinking about how no one I meet will ever know what came before, not really.

You and I were the only ones that new my body as it was changing. There was one other, but he was too afraid to understand. And I think about how remarkable that experience must really have been. I hadn't really stopped to think about those things until recently. I was afraid of getting myself into a trap, worried about where my thoughts might take me. I'm not so worried about those things anymore, and I am learning that it is okay to remember.

I am not the story of my pain, nor of my past. Those things may be a part of that story, but I'm learning something new. I used to believe in the power of the story more than anything. Everyone has and is a story. And it would be great to learn all of them or at least try. But that isn't the most important thing. Your video clip reminded me of something. Human brings are energy. Kinetic and potential. Energy is a concept that only makes sense in the present.
I have stored up enough of this energy. I can feel it and I recognize my personal need to be in motion at this time in my life, and that need is most likely connected to the need to interact with different energies. The story is irrelevant. I don't need stories right now. I need energy. I need interaction and violent chemical explosions. If I am hydrogen, I need to find my oxygen. Insert nerdy joke about a threesome.

there is no other side on which to emerge. The hard part of life is not something you get through. Real life success stories don't stop at the happy ending. Good things can start happening, but that doesn't mean it won't be hard or that bad things will stop. Fairy tales are attractive because we want to believe that everything will be...euphoric when we get through whatever we are dealing with. The hardest thing I have had to learn is this concept that life will never be like that. I'll never be able to stand on the other side of my painful experiences and look on with objectivity. Because there is no other side. I wonder if this is true for everyone.

My thumbs hurt because this app only works when the phone is vertical. That seems like a major flaw to me.

Necessary Nonsense

My brain is my illusion. My body is yours. I am an action potential whose potential lies in potential actions in parallel systems. Mirror neurons, me and you. My every cell jumping along with you before I can tell myself no. You are all in control of everything within me. And I you. This tug of war between forces we cannot see. Horizontal gravity.
And the white hot fork in the eye that changed my life forever. Changed me forever. I lost the connections that made this all make sense. I fill the blind spots of my consciousness with facts and figures, books and games, endless things because you can’t fill can’t possibly fill a space that doesn’t exist.

Visceral. Say it again. Visceral. A word that slithers along. Entrails.

Yes. Just like that. Cauterize me. Make it white hot and blinding. Erase everything. The facts and figures toys and books and games and names I understood. I won’t feel a thing. The gate is closed.

Names

Shot in the soul by a pointed word
the arrows of your curvatures
each little letter alphabetical icicles melt me freeze me in place freeze me in time in a time when that word was meant for me and I
see my blood and yours all tangled up in liquid knots
and solid, coagulated, dead, dried, useless, old, dead nots.
My tears
and body just as wet as the day we met
The humidity of humanity.
The urge to breathe.
To fight the suffocation and just keep pushing keep pumping keep bleeding on the inside.
The effects of gaseous reason cannot be seen. Cannot be smelled, felt, tasted. Only the dead benefit from reason.

And it is rage. It is sadness. And they are the same.

Up and down

One minute, I'm flipping through Apartment listings, getting excited about all the amazing possibilities And the chance to really start over...And the next, the fear takes over and leaves a crippling knot in my stomach and I can barely breathe. My head keeps yelling me that I can not do this. I'm terrified. And I miss people already. I'm tired of never seeing people again. I'm tired of losing people. And I fear that I am no longer able to open myself up enough to form friendships like I once was. I don't know if I am capable of starting from scratch. And in the back of my head, there's the voice that says I am going to be pathetic and dependent on others for the rest of my life. And that I am never going to be happy. Right now it seems that I can't be happy for more than a few minutes without being scared or anxious. But at my best, I guess I only went a day or two. The feeling seems more intense now. How do I know if I am any better now than I was a few months ago? And if I am not able to determine that, does that mean I am not?
I feel like I have cried enough over this, but I doubt it will stop. Why is this so difficult if I am indeed making the right decision?
I just want to relax enough to be able to fall asleep instead of waiting to pass out from exhaustion. I remember I had a few months of being able to do that. And a few weeks were absolutely perfect. I had never slept like that in my life. I felt normal for a little bit.
I'm about to walk two miles just to buy something to help me fall asleep, but that would involve going upstairs, which is dangerous right now. I think the worst of it is that I'm hungry. But I guess it makes sense for me to feel trapped then, if I am not just imagining it.
Is it worth being miserable 95 percent of the time in order to experience the other 5 percent as something else? Maybe it isn't even all happiness. That's a question I struggle with a lot right now. Is anything worth anything, to be more inclusive.
I was so happy about realizing what I need to do, for a little. And now that happiness is gone. I can't even figure out why it made sense to be happy because I am so worried right now. Scared, anxious, hopeless, etc. I'm a number of things, but not one of them is happy.
My body has to keep itself in crisis mode all the time, and I can feel the damage it is doing. And there is nothing I can do about it with the fucking safe auto of health insurance that I have. I can't get them to look at this fucking massive bump above my ankle bone that is severely limiting my ability to move the way I need to, and even if I wanted help to fix my fucked up head, I couldn't get it. Oh and I hope I have enough money to pay for my t next week and then find a way to get to philly for an appointment that I don't even have yet, since that is the closest trans doctor.
I really want to stop thinking about everything all the time. What is the damn point if I am always going to feel like this? Really?
I was hoping this would help me sleep, but I think I have made it worse. I need fucking help, and there's nothing I can do to get it, and once again, I am made aware of how little I can help myself. I can't take this.

July 8

Why can't I just do the things I need to do?