Up and down

One minute, I'm flipping through Apartment listings, getting excited about all the amazing possibilities And the chance to really start over...And the next, the fear takes over and leaves a crippling knot in my stomach and I can barely breathe. My head keeps yelling me that I can not do this. I'm terrified. And I miss people already. I'm tired of never seeing people again. I'm tired of losing people. And I fear that I am no longer able to open myself up enough to form friendships like I once was. I don't know if I am capable of starting from scratch. And in the back of my head, there's the voice that says I am going to be pathetic and dependent on others for the rest of my life. And that I am never going to be happy. Right now it seems that I can't be happy for more than a few minutes without being scared or anxious. But at my best, I guess I only went a day or two. The feeling seems more intense now. How do I know if I am any better now than I was a few months ago? And if I am not able to determine that, does that mean I am not?
I feel like I have cried enough over this, but I doubt it will stop. Why is this so difficult if I am indeed making the right decision?
I just want to relax enough to be able to fall asleep instead of waiting to pass out from exhaustion. I remember I had a few months of being able to do that. And a few weeks were absolutely perfect. I had never slept like that in my life. I felt normal for a little bit.
I'm about to walk two miles just to buy something to help me fall asleep, but that would involve going upstairs, which is dangerous right now. I think the worst of it is that I'm hungry. But I guess it makes sense for me to feel trapped then, if I am not just imagining it.
Is it worth being miserable 95 percent of the time in order to experience the other 5 percent as something else? Maybe it isn't even all happiness. That's a question I struggle with a lot right now. Is anything worth anything, to be more inclusive.
I was so happy about realizing what I need to do, for a little. And now that happiness is gone. I can't even figure out why it made sense to be happy because I am so worried right now. Scared, anxious, hopeless, etc. I'm a number of things, but not one of them is happy.
My body has to keep itself in crisis mode all the time, and I can feel the damage it is doing. And there is nothing I can do about it with the fucking safe auto of health insurance that I have. I can't get them to look at this fucking massive bump above my ankle bone that is severely limiting my ability to move the way I need to, and even if I wanted help to fix my fucked up head, I couldn't get it. Oh and I hope I have enough money to pay for my t next week and then find a way to get to philly for an appointment that I don't even have yet, since that is the closest trans doctor.
I really want to stop thinking about everything all the time. What is the damn point if I am always going to feel like this? Really?
I was hoping this would help me sleep, but I think I have made it worse. I need fucking help, and there's nothing I can do to get it, and once again, I am made aware of how little I can help myself. I can't take this.