Letting my thoughts drift

At the core, I am the same person I have always been. Whatever happens outside of me, physically, experientially, or whatever, is separate from the core energy I possess. What is so different now? I suppose it is that I can no longer pretend to be innocent. I am no longer another person's escape from the world. I am not new and exciting but a part of something established, known enough to be known by my faults.
I want to be caught in the rain again without having to care about what comes next, without exception or expectation.
Sometimes our perceptions change because we want things to fit into the present. Even if nothing changes, everything can change. Sometimes we need it to because we wouldn't be able to move forward if it didnt.

What do I need to do? Realize that it's okay to let yourself get wet. The innocence is probably still there, but I've had my guard up for way too long. I don't know what it feels like to just be open and honest, to let myself fall apart or be crazy when I need to, to feel like everyone will understand if I do. I wish I had someone to remind me.
I've come to realize that moving back to Pittsburgh would mean moving back to a place where I am surrounded by people trying to remind me of my incapabilities. I can not live in a place that sees me as helpless and hopeless. That is not the energy I need, and maybe I should have realized that sooner. But if I had, I wouldn't have known where I need to go next.

The song "Closing Time" just started playing in my head, and for some reason that reminded me of the big, black binder of CDs you brought from high school. And then of driving to Cleveland. Nostalgia is a very interesting phenomenon. Then again, so is my brain. Or anyone's.

I don't try to stop myself anymore, if there's anything I have learned
From the mindfulness literature, it's that trying to stop yourself from feeling something is unlikely to be effective. It is just extraordinarily difficult to maintain the belief that it is okay to feel everything that I do--that everything is the way it needs to be at this moment. Even the fear and the rage and the doubt.
This present moment. 530 in the morning. Typing this blog entry on my phone. It is summer. And I am thinking about how no one I meet will ever know what came before, not really.

You and I were the only ones that new my body as it was changing. There was one other, but he was too afraid to understand. And I think about how remarkable that experience must really have been. I hadn't really stopped to think about those things until recently. I was afraid of getting myself into a trap, worried about where my thoughts might take me. I'm not so worried about those things anymore, and I am learning that it is okay to remember.

I am not the story of my pain, nor of my past. Those things may be a part of that story, but I'm learning something new. I used to believe in the power of the story more than anything. Everyone has and is a story. And it would be great to learn all of them or at least try. But that isn't the most important thing. Your video clip reminded me of something. Human brings are energy. Kinetic and potential. Energy is a concept that only makes sense in the present.
I have stored up enough of this energy. I can feel it and I recognize my personal need to be in motion at this time in my life, and that need is most likely connected to the need to interact with different energies. The story is irrelevant. I don't need stories right now. I need energy. I need interaction and violent chemical explosions. If I am hydrogen, I need to find my oxygen. Insert nerdy joke about a threesome.

there is no other side on which to emerge. The hard part of life is not something you get through. Real life success stories don't stop at the happy ending. Good things can start happening, but that doesn't mean it won't be hard or that bad things will stop. Fairy tales are attractive because we want to believe that everything will be...euphoric when we get through whatever we are dealing with. The hardest thing I have had to learn is this concept that life will never be like that. I'll never be able to stand on the other side of my painful experiences and look on with objectivity. Because there is no other side. I wonder if this is true for everyone.

My thumbs hurt because this app only works when the phone is vertical. That seems like a major flaw to me.