Snowflakes

I've been staring at a blank screen for twenty minutes, unable to decide which direction these post needs to go. I thought about writing about the impending snowstorm and the accompanying panic enveloping the region, but I've also wanted to explore my changing identity because that seems to be causing me the most trouble. And maybe that isn't the best way to phrase it, but it's all I've got right now.

Today is one of those days where I don't feel terribly miserable, but I know I'm not exactly happy. One of the most difficult things about waking up for me is knowing that I do not have complete freedom. I can't just decide to do something and do it. It's also difficult to deal with the isolation. I miss doing things with other people. I miss having friends, really. But there's more to it than that. I feel like I am losing parts of myself that have been crucial to my existence up to this point. I no longer have access to the blueprint for my own life. I feel empty, even on the best days. My world is pretty much this house, 90 percent of the time. I talk to my dogs. I'm well enough at the moment to know that I need to do something, but I'm not sure what that is.

I don't know how to save myself from this, and when others try and fail to help, it seems like they only get angrier with me for things not going as planned. I keep wondering how many more years this could continue. Even when I felt lost before, at least I had certain things. I had community, mostly. That and hope, I suppose. It seems obvious why I feel the way I do, but that doesn't mean I'm in any position to change it.

The snowflakes have started to fall.

Words for Later, When I Have Time

depression gets off on choking me

cums down my throat 

as the words are making their way into the world

so when people tell me 

try to look on the bright side

I tell them

try getting face-fucked 

by your own thoughts

Activism and Energy Drinks

Tonight, I noticed just how far removed I am from the role I want to have in my community. What started as a lively Facebook discussion turned into a more introspective argument I've been having inside my own head for the last hour or so. I have had grand plans to start something here in Morgantown, and the ideas just keep accumulating. However, lack of funding and, more generally, stability have kept me from pursuing anything more than detailed conversations. But perhaps this isn't a bad thing. I spent years working for others without ever paying much thought to my own needs, too focused on creating a safe space for others to notice that I had not yet figured out how to provide one for myself. I may be a hermit these days, but I think I've needed this time to prepare myself for whatever comes next. I believe I have reached the stage where I know what pieces I need to live a more active, meaningful life, though I haven't quite figured out how to put them together.

There are so many people I want to let back into my life after having shut them out for so long, mostly in an attempt to avoid drama and pain. But there are some people that are absolutely worth that. But I'm finding it hard to reach out these days because it does seem like people have long since forgotten me, and I'm wondering if they too feel that it would be worth it, or if they have made up their minds to move on and leave me in the past. You see, I've also reached the stage where I realize that I have a limited amount of energy. I know I can't do everything, please everyone, or even come close a lot of the time. I am putting much more emphasis on the quality of my interactions and relationships than quantity. I am finding it more difficult to feel connected to people by simply scrolling through a few screens. I want to hear their voices. I want to be with them again. While I have these desires, I also have an incredible amount of fear. I'm out of practice when it comes to dealing with other humans. Anxiety and fear rule my life most of the time. This is definitely a huge problem, and I realize that this can't continue if I want to be productive and progress.

I am actually proud of myself for even posting a response to something I thought was rather misdirected. I wasn't afraid to speak my mind, and that does feel like the old me. Today is one of the days where I feel like life may be slowly coming back into balance for me. But the loneliness I am feeling somehow manages to overshadow the small amount of pleasure I've derived from the events of the last few hours.

I've been on a pretty normal schedule for a few days, and it allows me to feel like I am keeping up with what I need to do. Without the chaos, I realize how alone I am. We had a full day planned, but he started feeling sick and needed to rest. This, combined with my spending the night in alone yesterday, makes me realize that I do not have very many connections to others at this time in my life. And I miss them. I miss feeling close to other humans. I miss being able to hang out with people and swap stories. Usually, when I get tired of living in my own head, it's a sign that my mood is stabilizing. However, I'm still proceeding with caution because I know how quickly that can change.

Morning

I am sensing a shift in the way I function. It's probably been happening for a while now, but since it manifests in a peculiar way, it's taken me a while to admit that things might be better this way. I used to be very much a night person, always waiting until the world quieted down to begin working on the most important tasks of the day. And since it was much more acceptable to live that way in college, I thrived. But for a couple of years now, nights haven't been the same. The quiet is distracting at best and overwhelming at worst. I think I'm becoming a morning person. After weeks of terrible sleep, my body attempted to adjust by sleeping far too long yesterday, but that only meant that I was able to wake up shortly after six this morning, feeling pretty confident and optimistic. And that's been happening a lot. Even when I'm absolutely exhausted, forcing myself to get up at what most would consider a reasonable time allows me to be productive. But that's the trouble. I notice that I'm far more productive and that my spirits are generally higher when I can stick to being diurnal, but my energy levels don't match up with this pattern. I'll still find myself exhausted midway through the day, and attempting to go to bed before midnight usually results in my waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning, feeling like I'm bouncing off the walls. I suppose another complicating factor is that, while we both agree that we need to be better at adulating in general, we never seem to be in the same place at the same time. It's hard to stick to a routine when your partner's is the complete opposite because it can feel like you never get to spend time with one another.

Now for something completely unrelated...

I had a job interview yesterday that completely wiped me out. Two and a half hours and a total of nine people later, I'm still unsure how things went. I would like to think that an entire department would not have put so much effort into a candidate they weren't seriously considering. But having an actual full-time job with a respectable salary and being able to utilize my education and work experience would be a relief.

I'm distracted right now, so you're not getting much more out of me this morning.

New Job

I want to let those who are still listening know how much I appreciate it. I'm still here, in some ways. 

I had to reschedule a job interview I was supposed to have today. Our car wasn't starting, and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I won't be as terrified on Wednesday. 

But I start work in a few hours, and I've been preparing for this for months. But there are parts with which I'm not comfortable at all. It has nothing to do with the material and everything to do with the people and the expectations people have of me when it comes to human interaction. And I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this. I don't know how to make it different. I don't know how to fix a problem I've had my entire life. I've never had any help with it, and I can't get past it on my own, so I know I will fail on the same way I have always failed. 

I haven't been okay for days because I've been thinking about it constantly. And now I feel resented for making too much noise. It really is about how well I can pretend to be okay, I guess. For this job and for everything else. 

I'm trying to calm down enough to go through the steps in my head. It's not working. I'm just falling further and further into this trap. I want to get the images out of my head. It always comes back to the same thing. The only answer that's ever made sense.

I'm not going anywhere. I just don't think I'll actually be able to progress given how I'm feeling and reacting to everything. So yeah. I'm really not going anywhere. 

New Year, Same Dylan

I am more unhappy with myself than I have ever been, which is probably why this new year doesn't feel so great for me. To me, it just means more of the same. I realize that in order to make any kind of drastic improvement in my life, I'm going to need to be okay and functional for more than a few days at a time. And that doesn't seem very likely to happen. I mean, I don't know how to make it happen. I wanted to write about the details, but I don't have much energy to do that. Maybe part of it is that another year has gone by, and I am once again in far worse shape than in years previous. The pain has honestly become too much. Both my physical and emotional pain seem to have no end in sight, and I'm not sure how many more days of 16-hour long psychological events I can handle. I know I have pushed everyone away these past few years. It's honestly easier than subjecting people to being around someone who just isn't very pleasant, ever. Although, I'd have no one around here to subject to anything, so I guess that's irrelevant too.

I know it's becoming too much for him too. I feel like I'm waiting for the inevitable, like each time I'm not okay will be the last time he can handle it. He's told me before that he can't stand lying there at night wondering if it's the last night he'll get to spend with me. I told him to imagine it from the other side. That didn't exactly help.

How have I made it this far? If I'm this far gone mentally, shouldn't I have found a way out by now? Well, it's really not as impulsive as people think. The most dangerous kind of suicidal feeling is the one that you have when you are at your most rational. For me, these feelings are all-consuming when they come, and they've been coming far more often than they have in months. I'm finally reaching the breaking point again, and now I don't feel like I have any options. Before, medication was always that last resort. I'm hesitant to try anything like that again after what happened this summer. Partial hospitalization, IOP, individual therapy, DBT/CBT--none of that really seemed to matter either.

I've been doing a lot of reading, and it seems to confirm that, sometimes, it really doesn't get better. Some depression cannot be treated or cured. And if I have to look forward to a lifetime of struggling with this, only to have a couple of days per month where I can feel any positive emotion at all, then I really do want out. I used to think certain things would be enough. And I feel guilty that they are not.

I don't think I am the kind of person who can ever be happy. I'm just not able to let go of the person I wanted to become. It hasn't been easy letting go of the person I used to be, but even that is nothing compared to the constant battles I have with the reality of my own existence.

I just feel like there's no happiness left. I often have no idea even how to feel happy. I'm also so caught up in my own chaos all of the time that I have nothing left to give anyone around me. I'm blank and expressionless most of the time because the fight inside never ends. I want to be there for the important people in my life, but not only do I not have the energy, I don't understand even how to do that when I am this overwhelmed. I miss everything that's going on around me. I feel entirely isolated from the world. I'm fighting this minute to care enough to keep going.

I think the least disturbing thoughts I have had involve my running away and living on the street or finding a shelter that would take me in. Someplace where no one had any idea about me and I could pretend that I never had as much potential as I did. Someplace where I could forget that I ever had any other kind of life. I'm tired of everyone pretending that there is hope for me to have the future I dreamed about. I don't even have dreams anymore. Sometimes I get flashes of them and get excited about finally being able to move forward, but they're gone before I can make the first move. And then I am just stuck with the pain.

I hate watching what this does to the people around me. I hate being the cause of someone else's stress and unhappiness. He tells me that I am not, but I can see it in his face and hear it in his voice. I keep wondering when love won't be enough for him.

About a week ago, I really thought I had figured things out, at least in part. But that was another mirage. I already feel like too much time has passed. I realized that, at 27 years old, I'm just lying around waiting to die most of the time. And this is only going to get worse as time goes on. I said it months ago when I started having bad days more often. Then the bad days got worse and I kept saying it. And now here we are, again.

One thing I did learn is that suicide via overdose seems to be pretty unreliable. About a 1 in 40 chance. I'm not willing to risk waking up and having severe brain damage because knowing my luck, that's exactly what would happen, and then I'd have to live with that mess for the rest of whatever existence I had left. I was hoping writing this would make me feel better, but I am just beginning to feel guilty about sharing anything. I know that nothing anyone can say will really make a difference. It never does. I'm lost in my own head. Truly lost. And no one can save me except for me, and I know that I'm just not capable of doing that anymore. I'm not sure I ever will be capable of that again. I feel less capable than ever. More trapped by my inability to function than ever.

I remember when I had my issues but could still be there for those around me. I remember when I could do positive things for an entire community of people. Now I struggle finding enough motivation to shower or eat and can't bend over to tie my own shoes most of the time. I've got nothing left. My ability to use my mind has been taken away, my ability to use my body has been taken away, and my ability to care for others has been taken away simply because those first two have been taken away. I have nowhere from which to draw my energy. I'm just gone. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. And I wish I understood entirely how it got this bad this quickly again, but maybe it was never meant to go away. Maybe this is the new me. This is the only me a lot of people have ever known, and that alone is depressing.

I'm afraid to stop writing because the silence is always terrifying. I never know what kind of thoughts will surface, and I don't have the resources to fight them when they do. My gut feeling tells me that this whole ordeal, however long it takes, will not end well for me. My head's beginning to hurt from all of this. My stomach is in so much pain. The same thought keeps coming back to me.

I'm already gone.