Snowflakes

I've been staring at a blank screen for twenty minutes, unable to decide which direction these post needs to go. I thought about writing about the impending snowstorm and the accompanying panic enveloping the region, but I've also wanted to explore my changing identity because that seems to be causing me the most trouble. And maybe that isn't the best way to phrase it, but it's all I've got right now.

Today is one of those days where I don't feel terribly miserable, but I know I'm not exactly happy. One of the most difficult things about waking up for me is knowing that I do not have complete freedom. I can't just decide to do something and do it. It's also difficult to deal with the isolation. I miss doing things with other people. I miss having friends, really. But there's more to it than that. I feel like I am losing parts of myself that have been crucial to my existence up to this point. I no longer have access to the blueprint for my own life. I feel empty, even on the best days. My world is pretty much this house, 90 percent of the time. I talk to my dogs. I'm well enough at the moment to know that I need to do something, but I'm not sure what that is.

I don't know how to save myself from this, and when others try and fail to help, it seems like they only get angrier with me for things not going as planned. I keep wondering how many more years this could continue. Even when I felt lost before, at least I had certain things. I had community, mostly. That and hope, I suppose. It seems obvious why I feel the way I do, but that doesn't mean I'm in any position to change it.

The snowflakes have started to fall.