Activism and Energy Drinks

Tonight, I noticed just how far removed I am from the role I want to have in my community. What started as a lively Facebook discussion turned into a more introspective argument I've been having inside my own head for the last hour or so. I have had grand plans to start something here in Morgantown, and the ideas just keep accumulating. However, lack of funding and, more generally, stability have kept me from pursuing anything more than detailed conversations. But perhaps this isn't a bad thing. I spent years working for others without ever paying much thought to my own needs, too focused on creating a safe space for others to notice that I had not yet figured out how to provide one for myself. I may be a hermit these days, but I think I've needed this time to prepare myself for whatever comes next. I believe I have reached the stage where I know what pieces I need to live a more active, meaningful life, though I haven't quite figured out how to put them together.

There are so many people I want to let back into my life after having shut them out for so long, mostly in an attempt to avoid drama and pain. But there are some people that are absolutely worth that. But I'm finding it hard to reach out these days because it does seem like people have long since forgotten me, and I'm wondering if they too feel that it would be worth it, or if they have made up their minds to move on and leave me in the past. You see, I've also reached the stage where I realize that I have a limited amount of energy. I know I can't do everything, please everyone, or even come close a lot of the time. I am putting much more emphasis on the quality of my interactions and relationships than quantity. I am finding it more difficult to feel connected to people by simply scrolling through a few screens. I want to hear their voices. I want to be with them again. While I have these desires, I also have an incredible amount of fear. I'm out of practice when it comes to dealing with other humans. Anxiety and fear rule my life most of the time. This is definitely a huge problem, and I realize that this can't continue if I want to be productive and progress.

I am actually proud of myself for even posting a response to something I thought was rather misdirected. I wasn't afraid to speak my mind, and that does feel like the old me. Today is one of the days where I feel like life may be slowly coming back into balance for me. But the loneliness I am feeling somehow manages to overshadow the small amount of pleasure I've derived from the events of the last few hours.

I've been on a pretty normal schedule for a few days, and it allows me to feel like I am keeping up with what I need to do. Without the chaos, I realize how alone I am. We had a full day planned, but he started feeling sick and needed to rest. This, combined with my spending the night in alone yesterday, makes me realize that I do not have very many connections to others at this time in my life. And I miss them. I miss feeling close to other humans. I miss being able to hang out with people and swap stories. Usually, when I get tired of living in my own head, it's a sign that my mood is stabilizing. However, I'm still proceeding with caution because I know how quickly that can change.