I had to reschedule a job interview I was supposed to have today. Our car wasn't starting, and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I won't be as terrified on Wednesday.
But I start work in a few hours, and I've been preparing for this for months. But there are parts with which I'm not comfortable at all. It has nothing to do with the material and everything to do with the people and the expectations people have of me when it comes to human interaction. And I just don't think I'm going to be able to do this. I don't know how to make it different. I don't know how to fix a problem I've had my entire life. I've never had any help with it, and I can't get past it on my own, so I know I will fail on the same way I have always failed.
I haven't been okay for days because I've been thinking about it constantly. And now I feel resented for making too much noise. It really is about how well I can pretend to be okay, I guess. For this job and for everything else.
I'm trying to calm down enough to go through the steps in my head. It's not working. I'm just falling further and further into this trap. I want to get the images out of my head. It always comes back to the same thing. The only answer that's ever made sense.
I'm not going anywhere. I just don't think I'll actually be able to progress given how I'm feeling and reacting to everything. So yeah. I'm really not going anywhere.
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